Feeling worse than ever.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mortal Moon, Jan 12, 2010.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I was going to write a longer post, but fuck it. I don't even care anymore.

    The short version:

    School started today. It sucks and makes me want to die.

    My grandmother died today. I'm completely devastated.

    I see less and less hope and happiness in the world by the day and the minute. And the thought of death's loving embrace becomes more comforting.

    I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm getting closer to the edge, and I don't even know if I want to back away from it.
  2. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    I'm experiencing post-traumatic stress with the added weight of school starting as well.

    As much as we hate to hear it, the best thing to do is just hang in there and stay productive, man. Life can be shit, but you never know what it has in store for you if you can just brave it out.

    Think about your family.

    A relative just died - do you think nows the time to be selfish and compound their feelings of grief?

    Find somebody to talk to.

    Don't let depression win, bro.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Jonathan, you keep turning to this site and the people you know that want to help support you through this.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your grandma. I dont know how else to say this than this.... take what you are feeling about that loss and imagine that same scenerio with your parents or siblings or friends. I know not fair. But yet your grandma passing gives you a real opportunity to put into perspective the pain that loss causes those are left behind. I hope that your grief gives you an opportunity to see just how much people are loved before and after their death but also lets you see how much unrest a passing causes others. Honor her by using your grief to help you get past the place you find yourself at right now.

    I know there is a lot going on right now. So please keep posting. Get it out. Dont let it take a good hold and pull you down. Keep moving forward hun. One step at a time. :arms:
  4. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Life has nothing for me. I'm only here because I still crave some sort of closure, and because the right opportunity hasn't presented itself. I'll be clearing both of these hurdles quite soon. Not "tomorrow" soon, but soon.

    I've tried "talking to someone." I've been doing nothing but talking to people for months. No one can help me. And I wouldn't want them to if they could.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm so sorry about your grandmother. :hug:
  6. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    :hug: jonathan
  7. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Well, it's the next day- and my sister's cat had to be put down a few hours ago. And the days just keep getting grayer and windier and rainier.

    The world is just mocking me at this point. No doubt about it. I'm not going to put up with it much longer. Life had better start making a damn good case for itself, or else I'm done.
  8. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope things get better for you, as I think you have great potential. You may not want to hear it, but I think it's true. Stay here and talk to us, even if it seems hard, we want to help. Death won't bring the relief you seek, nor any sort of comfort or peace. Thinking about it will, but death itself brings nothing but death. Don't you want to hold onto your feelings and thoughts?

    EDIT: You're still a young man, and have a lot of life ahead of you, if you choose to accept it. If you want life to make a good case for itself, you have to stick around and wait for it. If you throw in the towel, you will never know or experience the great things your life will contain. Things like the perfect job, a beautiful woman, even the next great movie or book. Life offers nearly everything you could ever want, but death offers nothing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2010
  9. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    That's silly. Of course it will. What is relief, after all, if not the cessation of misery?

    I'm not sure I want to hang onto anything any more. The thought of death is the only thing that allows me to feel any pleasure. If I lose my will to die, I also lose my will to live.

    I want no part of this world anymore. I don't want my identity, my personality, my past, or my future. I don't want any more responsibilities or "life lessons". I just want to lie down on my bed and let it all go. To give up without having wasted my time trying.
  10. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    But it's the feeling and thought of death that you love, not death itself. Death is nothing. Death is simple destruction. No thoughts, no feelings, just emptiness. You may feel at peace minutes before death, but once you die you won't feel anything. Right now you are fixated on death, but you are imagining a nice and peaceful passing, not a scary ride. Also, you can't intelligently picture yourself being dead, because when you're dead you are nothing but a memory.

    Dying may bring a relief, but death won't. Unfortunately, dying may bring fear, panic and worry also. That's your survival instinct kicking in. Think carefully about what you are getting into.

    EDIT: You have to be alive to feel a cessation of misery, because as we all know, you feel nothing when you are dead.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2010
  11. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    That's what I'm aiming for. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to exist. Existence is an aberration, a cruel error that I'm determined to make right.

    When I'm dead, my suffering dies with me. If there's a definition of "relief" that this doesn't fall under, then I'm not aware of it.

    In any case, my options are limited. Live miserably, or try to die with some measure of happiness and serenity. I think I'll take my chances.
  12. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    You won't be miserable forever (if you choose to live) but you may be remembered as miserable forever, if you choose to die. Do you care what people will think of you (and your family, which is innocent) or could you not care less about the memory you will leave behind?

    Do you want to be remembered as the kid who didn't have the stones to handle life, or the guy who went through a rough patch and came out successful? Remember, if you quit, the majority won't think of your thoughts on death and your desires, they will only think of you as weak, and a quitter. And think of your family as well. They are the ones who will have to deal with your death and the social stigma attached to it. You won't have to, but they will. Do they deserve that kind of treatment?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2010
  13. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I care how I'm remembered, or whether I'm remembered at all. In any case, no one whose opinion I value will remember me as "not having the stones to handle life".

    Also, those aren't the only two options. I could also end up as the guy whose life just got shittier and shittier until it finally went ahead and killed him anyway, but who stupidly kept on going for no good reason. That scenario isn't out of the question.

    I'd much rather die young, and on my own terms.
  14. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    So the way I see it there is 3 scenarios. 1) Your life gets better 2) Your life gets worse 3) You kill yourself, your families life gets worse. I don't know the chance of it getting better or worse, but I know that life generally takes a turn for the better the longer you stick it out. If you quit, your situation is set, and it ends. I think you want it to end. But also, I think it's because you haven't experienced most of the good things, so your opinion is skewed. You can't imagine the life you may have in the future, full of joy and happiness, so you don't think of it. But it is a very real possibility. You are a very smart person, and smart people go far and get the perks of life. You are lucky to have what you have, and it sounds like you are throwing it all away.

    Hell, you're still in school, you haven't even seen what life can offer, besides school, family, friends and entertainment (I'm generalizing here, you have experienced more, but still not much). Why not grow up a little, and then see how you feel after you have experienced the good things as well as the bad. As far as I know, I haven't seen any bad shit or suffering happen to you through your posts. I've only seen you fixated on death. That doesn't mean bad shit hasn't happened of course. Is it crazy to think that you aren't thinking clearly? No. Is it outlandish to imagine your life getting better? No. If you want to quit, then it's your prerogative, but don't think that it will make things better, because it won't. Your life will end, and your family and friends will suffer. You have to think of other people here, as you are invested in their lives. It's not just your life that you can do whatever the hell you want with it. People's feelings have to be considered. Think about how you feel now that your grandma has died. Do you wish that suffering upon others, once you take your life?
  15. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I don't want any of it. I don't want success, I don't want happiness, I don't want to see what life has to offer. It's all too much. It's too big.

    I just want to die. That's my only goal. Nothing else matters.

    I'm not obligated to make other people happy. I can't even do that in life, anyway. I'm nothing but a burden. And if my departure is too much for someone to handle, maybe they shouldn't have let me into their lives in the first place. Maybe they'll come to the same conclusions I have.

    I don't fucking know. I can't get the right words out about any of this. I'm so confused and afraid, and trying to deconstruct it all and look at pros and cons from some kind of detached perspective doesn't help a bit. I no longer think; I only feel. That's all I have in me anymore.

    I reject life. I reject its promises, cruelty, injustice, rules, responsibilities, empty pleasures and unbearable pain. I don't care what it has to offer me; it's just not worth it. I'm tired and I want to go home.
  16. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Fair enough. If you want to die, it is your choice and you are free to make it. I am in the same boat in a way, I stay indoors everyday because I don't want to go out and experience what life has to offer. I just want to stay in my safe little shell and be exempt. But that doesn't mean I will kill myself. I can still enjoy life behind the scenes. You are different, you have the desire of death and it's dragging you down towards it. Maybe it'll get you, maybe you'll change your mind. Who knows. But you will be missed if you decide to go down that road, and people will suffer. If you are willing to trade in your suffering for 10 or 20 sufferings then you are free to do so.

    I'm not giving up on trying to help you, but I'm not going to force help down your throat if you don't want it. I just hope you will choose to live, because you have a lot to offer on these forums (and in life), and you will be missed if you leave. I don't know your family, but I know your death will be tragic to them, because you are more than the average joe (even if you weren't it would still be tragic of course). Have you talked to your family about your ideation? Do you want them to know how you feel or will you leave it as a surprise?

    And finally, can you take away your feelings from the situation and decide with a level head if you really want to die, knowing that it won't be a fairytale ending?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2010
  17. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    My family knows I'm suicidal. They don't bring it up much, for fear of triggering. But the atmosphere changes when I'm around. The room seems to get colder.

    I can't do anything. I'm so cold, so empty. I'm suffocating. I'm drowning. I feel like I'm already dead, a stagnant soul in a body that's cruelly healthy. I speak in metaphors, but there's no real-world analogue to what I feel. It's a deep darkness and a stifling stillness, a longing that cries out to the world and receives no answer.

    I have nothing left. I can't even cry. I can't make myself feel. I'm not human.
  18. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Man you have a way with words. It sounds like you are blinded by your feelings. Through your posts, I can tell that you feel a lot even if you can't realize it. You are human. From what I can tell, you are down to earth as well. You are a gifted writer, and you would go far if you made the right choice. You just have to get over this big hurdle, if you want to, and you will be giving a lot to people. Please, don't waste this gift you have. Why not bask in your feelings, and run with them, and create something beautiful. You won't have to try hard. Do some writing, and convey your emotions (if you want to). We would love to read it.
  19. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I see in all of your posts how strongly you believe in death as being the final answer to all that life has or hasnt given you. But for as strongly as you believe that please consider what I'm going to offer. Maybe we could continue this in a pm. I would appreciate you sharing any proof you have to your beliefs.

    How do you KNOW with so much certainity that death will offer exactly what you think it will. Death, like life, has no guarantees. No one knows 100% what death is. Religious knowledge about death is based on beliefs. Just as your thoughts about death are based on what you believe. Both are based on ideas of what death will or has to offer. But there is no definite proof. What if there is some form of after life? What if you are reincarnated? What if we really are just the external existance for our inner souls and they continue on after us?

    I, like you, truly want, need to believe that death is a final closure. The ultimate end or termination of everything. The final PEACE that so many are searching for. But what if? What if we struggle along in death as we did in life? What if death is the same in a sense as life? You are drawn to death, and desire what you believe it has to offer. Then maybe in death we will be drawn to the desire to live?

    I think all one can do is to live the life they have to the best they can. Take the opportunities and the hardships that are thrown at you and do the best you can to survive with those issues in your life. Just as we dont know 100% for sure what each new day will bring, neither do we know exacly what death has to offer us either. So I think the most logical thing to do is to live for the moment. Life just like death will and does happen for each of us. And they both offer no guarantees as to a final outcome. So the best you can do is deal with them as they happen.

    I'm sorry I feel like I'm lecturing rather than helping. But I truly do hurt to see you in such pain. You appear to be so determined in death being what you need that you are letting life slip by. Please try to see both sides of the coin? I wish I could express myself better, maybe not in such a callous way. I am not trying to tell you to hang on to a life you can not stand to be in. But just suggesting that you might look at it differently. It isnt a punishment just as death may not be the reward you hope it to be.
    Sorry, no matter how I word this it just isnt coming out right so I'll stop here. Just please consider what I have said?
  20. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm so tired. Everything is engulfing me. I can't go on like this much longer.

    I'm scared, you guys. I really am. Everything is so dark. I'm becoming completely detached from the world, and it's terrifying.

    I used to love so many things. Music, science, games, food, dreams. I can't feel that love anymore. I can't feel love for anything, least of all myself. My heart is numb. I'm drawn to death like a moth to a flame; it's instinctual, completely automatic. I can't imagine not wanting to die. It's pulling me in, and I can't stop it. I can't even bring myself to want to stop it.
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