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Feelings have come back, and now unbearable

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Darkenedavatar, Dec 16, 2010.

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  1. Darkenedavatar

    Darkenedavatar New Member

    So, my suicidal thoughts have returned...Going on about 2 years now. I first started getting these thoughts when I was 10, and wasn't put on medication until the 8th grade, then stopped taking them in my junior of school (When I was about 17) after I dropped out. These thoughts then came back after I broke up with my girlfriend for cheating on me, who I was with all through middle school, Highschool, and a year after I dropped out of school.

    Well, I am 20, and I still have these suicidal thoughts. I haven't talked to anyone, haven't taken any medication, or anything. I just keep it all bottled up. I don't remember one point in my life where I have actually enjoyed life. Sure, I have had fun, and have enjoyed certain moments, but never have I actually enjoyed life. Just once I would like to see what that feeling is like, just like I see so many others do.

    It just got completely unbearable the last week or so. I have been hanging out with a girl for a year now, and I really, really liked her. Last week, I finally spilled how I feel for her. Something I haven't done since my last actual relationship. (My girlfriend that I was with all through middle school and Highschool).

    Well, she pretty much rejected me, it ruined our friendship, and now she is all of a sudden hanging out with this new guy. In front of me, tonight, while we were all hanging out, she pretty much just admitted that she is now dating, and going to move in with this guy. Which made me get that broken heart feeling I haven't felt in so long.

    Now I don't know what to do. I want to end it all so bad, but at the same time, I am afraid to. I have nothing going for me in life. A drop out, can't keep a job, and still live with my mum. The only thing I am counting on for a second chance at life is me going to job corp within the next month or so.

    I hate feeling like this, but I have grown up feeling like this. I don't know what it means to enjoy life, live a little, or anything like that.

    There's my rant, let's see what happens.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I have to go to work so I can't put the reply that I want to put here. I'll be back later this evening (UK time) but in the meantime
    Why haven't you seen a doctor?
  3. Darkenedavatar

    Darkenedavatar New Member

    I haven't seen a doctor because I can't afford one. I can barely afford my daily pack of cigarettes if my slum lord of a landlord doesn't have work for me each day. I am only thankful he is letting me work to cut the price of rent down.
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi hun, sorry its taken me so long to get back to you, its been a busy day.
    Okay, so you're feeling suicidal and you have a history of mental health issues?
    So you started getting suicidal thoughts when you were 10 - do you know why? Did anything happen to you when you were 10 or was there a major life change (ie parents divorcing or something?)
    Do you remember whether anyone in your family suffered from depression?
    You were put on medication in 8th Grade - I'm sorry but I don't know what age that is? Can you remember what the medication was and did you get a diagnosis at the time?
    You stopped taking them when you were 17 after dropping out of school. At 18, you start to get the suicidal feelings again. Any idea of the time span between stopping the meds and the start of the thoughts?
    So you stopped taking the meds, dropped out of school and finished with your girlfriend because she cheated on you.
    That's a lot of stress and a lot of things which could have triggered you. Each one on its own could have triggered you but all three together ensured that it was definitely going to happen. (in my opinion)
    All in all you went through quite a major life upheaval at this time.

    It would be nice to actually enjoy life. I think very few people do though. Its not really possible to sustain that for any length of time. Most people just hope for the odd bit of fun and 'good times' and for the rest of the time they expect the rough with the smooth.
    However, that's not your immediate priority.
    You've already identified your immediate priorities yourself. You're not taking medication and you're not telling people how you feel. You're keeping it bottled up. Except, you've now told us which is a good start to recovery.
    Since there's a financial issue going on, the first step that you're going to have to take is to keep talking. Come on this forum and talk, rant away if you have to but talk and talk and talk. Start getting the feelings out.
    Once you've recognised what your feelings are, we'll be able to look at coping strategies and behaviour patterns.
    You do need meds though (or at least I think you do but I am not a doctor) Is there no where that you can go for help? Who paid for the doctor/meds when you were at school?
    How much would it cost to see a doctor?

    This is clearly the major trigger for you. You feel rejected and you've also lost a friend. Its reminded you of your previous relationship and brought all those feelings back.
    You now learn to cope with situations like that because your response to the situation is far too extreme. Its an extreme response because you're in poor mental health and for no other reason. This is the illness talking and you need to start recognising that if you're going to get well.

    I don't know what job corp is, can you explain?
    The rest of it is the illness. This is the extreme response caused by the illness.
    You are 20 years old, still at the very beginning of your life. You do have everything going for you, you just can't see that at the moment because you're not well.
    You may have dropped out of school but so what? Lots of people make it in life without ever going to college. Its not the end of the world to drop out of the place so stop beating yourself up about it.
    You can't keep a job? I don't know many 20 year olds who could. I certainly couldn't when I was 20. I flitted from job to job to job for years. Once I got bored (which didn't take long) I moved on somewhere else. I learnt a lot during those years and so will you. When you get to know yourself better and understand your mental health better, you'll soon settle down into something. So stop beating yourself up about that too.
    You still live with your mum? I can't see that's a problem either. My 20 year old daughter still lives with me. She's even moved her boyfriend in. There's no way that they can afford a place of their own, they don't earn enough money. Most 20 year olds don't earn enough money for a place of their own. So stop beating yourself up about that as well.

    You're in a deep depression and you're clinging to everything that is negative as a result. You now have to learn how not to do that. It won't be easy to 'unlearn' that but you can do it.
    You've taken a really good first step in coming on this forum and writing down your feelings. Ranting is an excellent coping strategy. Now we just have to share some more strategies with you.
    PM me if you need to talk or continue in this thread. If you can provide some answers to my questions I may be able to suggest more stuff for you.
  5. Darkenedavatar

    Darkenedavatar New Member

    At the age of 10 is when my sister and I were sent to live with my dad. Because my mum got in trouble with the law, and had to do some time. I guess that could have been the trigger of it. Especially with the way my step mother treated us while we were there.

    I know everyone on my dad's side suffers from Bi-polar disorder. My dad used to have to take lithium, but he stopped. My dad's dad also had some serious bi-polar issues. So yes, there is a lot of bi-polar in my family.

    I was put on medication in 8th grade which was 14 or 15 I believe. And I don't remember the type of medication I was on. I know I had some for my Bi-polar disorder. Then had some for my ADHD. And I also had one other, but I can't remember why I had to take it. While I was taking them, I seemed to be a bit better. I didn't have those suicidal thoughts as much as I usually do. Which was nice. I took them all the way up until I was 17, and dropped out. Then stopped taking them at 18. Which was about 5 months later. Dropped out in April, and stopped taking them in september, the month of my birthday.

    I am not sure if there is a place for me to go to get help for meds. When I was in school, it was before I was 18. And my mum is a CNA (Certified nurses assitant) and I was able to get on her insurance. But I can't now that I am over 18. I try not to go to the doctor as much as possible. I wouldn't know how much it would cost to go see a doctor, but I know it isn't cheap. I got a 400 dollar hospital bill I am paying on just for a simple tetnus shot when I stepped on a nail while working.

    But I need to get to Job corp. Job Corp is a government funded program. I go to it for as long as I need. I get my GED/Highschool diploma, while being able to have on the job training for whatever job I choose. And get certified for it. I live and eat on the center. ANd they pay me a small allowance once a week. It'll give me a second chance on life, and maybe give me a feeling of accomplishment. Which is what I need.

    Thank you for talking with me, I appreciate it by the way.
  6. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Man I really feel for you. The last time I enjoyed life was from 11 years old. It was downhill from there. I know what it feels like to like someone and have them turn you down. I really don't take broken hearts very well at all. It really crushes me bigtime. And a very painful recovery. I hate it when I fall in love cause the feelings are so strong and powerful. Then when it doesn't turn out it's oh so painful. I feel like I've had way too much misery and for once I too want to feel normal. Just to enjoy life for a change.

    The good thing about your situation is you're still very young. I'm already 25.
    You can easily turn things around man. Good luck to you. I'll be here....
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