Feelings of a Male high school senior with Extreme self-hatred issues

[“Mark”]

Hello. Mark, isn’t my real name, just.... something. Anyway, I’m in a rather unique situation even for people with depression in that:
-I move every few years with my family. I have never had friends, but not for that reason...
-I apparently am easily manipulated. Every single person who I ever considered a friend, from as far back as kindergarten, had apparently only done so for their own benefit (climbing social ladder, no one else to talk to at the time, “hobby”, etc.)
-The person who originally saved my life in the first place seems to hate me now and wants nothing to do with me
-I have been hospitalized three times for a grand total of 106 days in both the UK and US.
-I cut from time to time
-A girl at my school committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. We were what I would call “friendly acquaintances”. I can’t help but feel that it is somehow my fault. Speaking of which...
-I have attempted suicide so many times that I have literally lost count. My educated guess would probably be around 35-40 times. It’s stupidly ridiculous. I feel like I’m on “The Truman Show” some days...
...and that’s about it. Note that although this is on the sympathetic forum, I don’t mind advice. I didn’t put it on the advice forum because I don’t want long instructional stuff. This is also my first post here, so please pardon me if I put this in the wrong place

 

[Petal]

Welcome to the forum, glad you decided to join here for support. Does your school have a nurse or therapist you could talk to? Sorry you are feeling so bad , that's really sad to hear about the girl in your school. Get help now while you are still young, the earlier mental illness is treated, the better chance you have of getting it treated. Hope you have a nice day and again, welcome to SF.

 

[Dottie]

I'm sorry to hear about the girl at school, too. That's heartbreaking and horrible. If this is messing you up, maybe you could try talking to someone about it, even if it's just one of your mutual acquaintances. Processing grief doesn't have to be done in isolation.

I relate to your feelings so much. Sometimes I feel like I'm on The Truman Show and everyone is bullying me and laughing at me from every direction and there's just nothing I can do but try to square my shoulders and put it all behind me.

You're the one who saved your life. You're the one who fought to survive. Don't ever underestimate your own strength.
Even still, you are absolutely worth help, and you deserve compassion, and you deserve to feel happy and loved.

This forum is here, if nothing else. So don't go. Stay a while, talk to us.

 

[“Mark”]

Thank you for that.

 

[“Mark”]

Welcome to the forum, glad you decided to join here for support. Does your school have a nurse or therapist you could talk to? Sorry you are feeling so bad , that's really sad to hear about the girl in your school. Get help now while you are still young, the earlier mental illness is treated, the better chance you have of getting it treated. Hope you have a nice day and again, welcome to SF.

No, my school doesn’t have that sort of stuff, but I have been in “treatment” for many years.

 

[Dottie]

Would you mind if I sent you a PM?