I need to rant. If anybody cares, you can read my rant. Thanks-- it may or may not be coherent all the way through. I'm hoping just to express some feelings of complete and total loss. Rational or not, true or not, that's how I feel. Life has nothing to offer me anymore, and I have nothing to offer it. Its not as though I don't want to live, live well, and experience fulfillment. Life just has proven that every attempt at it will be stolen. I used to think I would serve God. I went to Bible college, and they kicked me out after 4 years. They kicked me out for being gay, which was a tortured experience figuring it out in that horrible place. I used to think I'd find love, but all my loves turned to shit-- one of them psychotic and abusive. Not giving up, I went to seminary, believing God is still there for me. But here I lost my faith in God. Now I failed a class there. Will I finish my papers in the other ones? I could buy real-estate with my student debt. How will I ever pay this off? What do I even have to offer anymore? If I quit school, I have to pay this off and I can't bring myself to work-- I have nothing to offer, nor do I want to offer it. And I have no degree. Nobody pays enough for me to live anywhere except with my mom. I don't want to be a preacher, and I don't want to be alone. I don't want God but I don't want to give up on God. God fucked me. God is a selfish mother-fucker who betrayed me with a plan that I thought good. No, God, it was not good. It sucked. You fucked me, God. You are in the process of fucking me and perhaps never intend NOT to fuck me. It is cold where I am. -10 degrees in the literal sense... I can't swim or kayak or bicycle. I can't take a walk. I can only mourn the fact that I am so defeated that I can't offer the world anything anymore. I used to have passion and life and talent to offer. Now all that has atrophied into a hellish, muddy, defeated nothing that tears my soul into pieces when I think about bringing myself to any point of action. All activity of any kind is meaningless. Everything is meanless. I will not sit at a desk and work, because I cannot sit at a desk and work. I will not spend a life rolling a rock up a hill forever. I am on a treadmill going nowhere and on a path to nothing. I have no prospect for happiness, though what is happiness and do I even deserve it? John Stewart Mill thought happiness wasn't attainable, at least in any permanent sense... Happiness comes and goes, but is not an attainable or sustainable goal.... but to find happiness is more likely in one's willingness to give it up and be content in your situation. But nothing makes me happy, and I don't see any possibility of being happy ever. What in the world makes me think that I should be happy to begin with? How can I be content in a life without love, without faith, without hope, without meaning, without independence, without anything or anybody giving me something to hope for. rock on the hill...treadmill to nowhere...effort with no returns... The conclusion: All the love I've given has been returned null. All the effort I've put into life has been thwarted. All my faith has betrayed me. All my desires betray me. My want for happiness continuously betrays me. I have no money and my student debt is greater than anything I can imagine. I have no degree to show for it. I have no skills or talents to show for it. I have no faith to show for it. I want so much to travel, but that means $$$ I don't have. I want to make a difference in the world, but I've been so fucked by people that I hate them. I want to serve God, but I hate him. I want so much to fall in love, but such things aren't an easy find. All is not well with my soul.