Feelings of Misery

[InnerStrength]

I feel foolish posting this because I'm not sure I know the source of my torment. Social isolation doesn't help, but it's pretty much a pathetic habit, not enforced (accept by myself). It's not that I can't socialize (the skill) I mean, when I'm at work, I can make people laugh, hold a dynamic conversation. Or if it's someone I know well, I can be pleasant enough. It's just I can't generate a whole lot of interest in socializing.

And then there's women. They've shown interest in me, but I shy away because I find it very hard to hold a conversation with a woman, let alone flirt. I'm going to be 22 this april, and I have never been on a date! Go figure! Part of it is the lack of motivation, a part of me wants to, but another part wants to languish in apathy. I'm so tired and depressed most of the time that I can't find the strength to find the motivation that propels others to seek pleasurable activites (aside from watching TV/sleeping, etc).

Of course, in times of misery when I think there's no way out, I turn to religion. Christianity. I think a lot of people are going to be very surprised when the "End of days" comes. Even the devout will find some of their ideas and perceptions simply blown away. The mortal judges will become the judged. I don't believe anyone is safe from scrutiny. We have all sinned, in thought or action. I just don't know what to believe, who to follow, which God is real. It's all so confusing and depressing. I wish God would give me the answers, or at least provide a recognizable path, or help me recognize it! Just Something!

I feel so tired and beat up in life, even though I haven't gone through even a 3rd of what others in this forum have. But nonetheless, I feel like giving up because I believe I am worthless. Intellectually, and otherwise. This could be due to my severe depression (bad decision making ), or it could be something else. Whatever the case, it makes me feel...separated from others.

I've always pondered reality and have tried to remain subjective in things but it's torture in a way. It feels so unnatural, yet that's the way my thoughts have been running lately. In effect, I come across as unsympathetic and careless. But I fervently wish for the opposite! I don't want to be bitter, but the lack of guidance is enough to drive any man to be bitter and depressed.

I also wonder why I was made this way or if there is a point to my existance at all. Life just seems so labryinthine(sp?) how in God's name am I supposed to know where to go, or what to do. Everytime I turn around, it just feels like another bad decision, a permanent reflection of myself. I think I hav wasted so much of my life, and this mental suffering is somehow payback, something to keep the balance. I wish I knew how to atone and make my life better. This post's purpose was mainly to vent, so don't feel pressured to respond.

 

[noplacetogo]

hi innerstrength,
this may be a really silly question, but, do you watch a lot of TV?

 

[smackh2o]

It's good you have your faith, it can be your stone in all this confusion and misery, but you really need to set it in stone first. I know a lot of people may disagree but the God you may as well believe in is the kind God who made everything and is benevolent. If your going to believe in something, don't believe because you fear not to, believe because you think it's right.

Your not foolish for posting, not posting would have been a lot more foolish.
You said you can hold a convosation ok. Are you an good at starting the convo and do you find your heart is beating faster after the convo has taken place? As if adrenaline is helping you through the convo, like you may have got in school when the teacher asked you to speak in front of the class.
Or is it more of an apathy where you can hold it but you don't care much about the outcome?
The first stage in helping yourself is to understand yourself. You seem very confused about what is going on and that anger and bitterness might be a product of what is causing your sadness. Can you go back to a time when you did'nt feel this way? And if so try and find an event or series of events that might have changed you.
The not been on a date thing isnt so bad, not everyone starts so early anyhow, but there is always a girl out there, and one day, you will meet her. But first you need to heal yourself, so that you can start going out again and get that spark back in your life. If you don't do that your just going to dissappear and that's a fate I doubt you'de want.

Keep posting back and tell us more about you if you want. No one should be alone.

 

[InnerStrength]

Yes, h2o I am confused. But I think religion makes me even more confused, maybe that's just me lol.

"but there is always a girl out there, and one day, you will meet her."

See, from what other people tell me, I shouldn't have a problem getting a girl, looks wise. It's just I can't initiate a conversation. That's something I'm going to have to overcome first. I do have social anxiety (not as bad as it was), and talking to the opposite sex is a little awkward for me. I do manage it on some occasions, but the flirting is absent. Someone to be intimate with, and share who I am, would probably go a great way towards healing me.

But I'm afraid of getting into a relationship because...well...I'm somewhat boring, mostly by choice. I don't have any friends (aside from "work friends") because I have barely enough energy to go to work, let alone socialize outside of it. I mean, people do invite me occasionally to events, but I shrug them off.

My interests are narrow, I think because I haven't been exposed socially to the extent that most other people have. It's entrapment, really. I want to change, but finding the energy and motivation are going to be the biggest challenges for me. Oh, and I appreciate the response.

 

[smackh2o]

Your right about that, the motivation thing is a real pain. It's like a paradox, it takes a lot of energy to get your motivation back but you need motivation to have energy. That's why you've got to look at it like stepping stones.
Each bit of energy you can get on a good day, invest it in your motivation. It'll be like getting that energy and gonig for random peaceful walk (if that's your thing). If you can get into something that just takes the stress away and just makes you a bit more relaxed you should hopefully be happy for a while. Then maybe you could start to get a bit more enrgy next time and go for a longer walk.
I'm not going to lie and say this is going to be easy because it will take time unless you get some sort of emotional electric shock. Depression is a disease and it sups the strength right out of you. If you think you can have a better life, even if you cant see it, if you just think its possible, then it would be mad not to have a go. Suicide is a way out, but is never a good way out for people who have a chance. Suicide should only be used if you truly want to die and have thought aboutit logically and emotionally for some time. Give yourself a chance.