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Feelings.. or lack of

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I don't feel ANYTHING. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad. I can't make sense of what's happening; it's almost like a dream. I can't believe that I'm 'me' and that the things around me even exist. I don't know what to do. What could get rid of this? I'm not particularly stressed, although I have been self harming every day. I guess that my self harming has increased because nothing else seems to work, or even matter.

I turned 19 in October, and between the ages of 16 and 18 I took an overdose nearly every month. I ended up with severe hypotension and I was comatose on one occassion. Anyway, I still have feelings like I want to take an overdose. I can't though because my Mother has the medication locked away. But I still think about overdosing. The part that people find exceptionally difficult to understand is that I'm not worried about dying. To be honest I'm more concerned about surviving and ending up in a psychiatric unit/hospital, or even worse, sectioned.

I have 'aims' which are deeply negative. I dream about harming myself so badly that I end up in the ICU (Intensive care unit). I get jealous when I see people on tv who are ill and on life support. I wish that I could develop a serious illness like kidney failure or something equally as life threatening. I know it sounds wrong, selfish even. I can't control these feelings though. I have sympathy for people who are dying but who actually want to live. It seems like that people are fighting to live when I'm fighting to die. Maybe that's the ignorance of society rubbing off on me. ''It's wrong to want to die''. How? Suicidal people are, in my opinion anyway, ill in some way. Just because you can't SEE the problem doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

I hear the voice of a man, Jon. I'm terribly apprehensive about going out and engaging in 'normal' day to day activities. The reason? Partly because I feel too depressed and can't motivate myself. But also because I'm TERRIFIED that somebody is going to stab me in the back. I'm extremely anxious about how people view me. I even worry what people on here think.

Anyway, sorry about the long post, I guess that I needed to ''let it all out''.


Do you have proffesional help? If you don't have I think it'll help you to feel better...
I've had the same feeling. For a time I felt just like you NOTHING. I was not happy, not sad. It felt very weird... But sometimes I think that feeling is better then feeling sad all day long. (I'm a SI'er too.) But the feeling of ''nothing'' turned away,, and I feel the same like before that.

That overdosing... You have to get help about that, really! And its right, i think suicidal people are ill in some way. But they can come out of that way of thinking!

You don't have to be afraid about how people here thiink about you:smile: You must be a nice girl! really! Believe in yourself!

good luck:hug:
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