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Feelings (thoughts) after suicide crisis...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Black_Dawn, Jul 28, 2010.

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  1. Black_Dawn

    Black_Dawn Banned Member

    I've been way long with suicidal feelings and after some time, seems I'm overcoming it. But somehow it has left me with some kind of inner stigma. Right now I feel like I shouldn't be alive after all that's gone through my mind, I think I don't deserve it after betraying both myself and the ones that maybe still love me by having those thoughts.

    Guess it's a guilt trap, I know it is not rational and i just should go on until these thoughts eventually disappear. But I just needed to share this, cause sometimes the burden is so heavy, many times I find myself saying to me "after all you've gone through with your mind, you shouldnt be here..."

    I hope I'm not harming anyone with this post and sorry for my (sometimes) "spanglish" :p
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    You need to be in therapy and get those thoughts out of your head. Im praying for you and hope you so too.

    Write me,

  3. Black_Dawn

    Black_Dawn Banned Member

    I'm already in "therapy" (with a psychyatrist I see about once a month), but one can't talk too much about these issues there. It's pretty frustrating that as soon as you bring out the suicide thing he just says things like "by verbalizing such words you could be confined", how fun.

    I haven't tried with a psychologist yet (went one that was for free the other week, but didn't get beyond the first visit since I was really uncomfortable with him and I felt like a subject of study rather than like a human being), but as far as my experience goes, it seems that with a psychyatrist you can't talk freely about this thing and fully explain what's really going on in your mind...
  4. Black_Dawn

    Black_Dawn Banned Member

    And by the way, thanks for your reply ;) Maybe I should also pray from time to time...
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Its good verbalise things like that. It sounds like you might be very judgemental of yourself and all the battles you have been through. Are you judgemental of other people? What would you say to someone who has thought and been through the things you have?

    Have you heard of the phrase 'it is what it is'? Maybe you could try to apply that to what's going on in your mind in that it just accepts what you have gone through and doesn't judge it or you.

    Psychiatrists are often not there for therapy purposes so I definitely think looking for someone who could be more therapeutic would be ideal. I understand that you couldn't get on with that ologist and thats fair enough, but maybe it might be worth looking for someone else? Or maybe a support group or something?
  6. kuAVKoii

    kuAVKoii Member

    (Please consider that my English is a little bit lagged. Don’t worry, I’ve been improving it, by the way.)
    Be glad to have left those feelings away. At this time I’m working but I stopped to read your post and think about some things I was used to do when I had suicidal feelings. Actually, these feelings won’t give up hunting me for a long time, I’m sure. But I need to live with it and try to reconcile my life with my mind.
    I don’t think you should feel guilty or feel that you did something wrong having those feelings because you didn’t choose it. You didn’t decide to feel suicidal – not consciously. And also, ‘after all you’ve gone through with your mind’, you should be here, let me repeat, correct and emphasize, yes, you have be here. I just think you can use all the experiences you had for your own good. And you didn’t betray anybody.
    Remember that suicidal thoughts won’t go away with the wind. I believe that almost everything you do and almost every thought you have, or you will have, are connected to the idea of suicide. We, humans, enjoy the idea of suffering, that’s absolutely normal. But sometimes it’s better to face it. And don’t blame yourself for things you are not supposed to control. Once my father said to me: ‘Son, don’t let your happiness depend on what doesn’t depend on you’. I’m almost sure he read it somewhere but it really helped me that time and nowadays I still remember it. Believe yourself. And if you believe in some kind of omnipotent God, pray.
    When you feel that guilty again, go for a walk, listen to some music. Just be sure that those feelings won't let you do unconscious things wittingly.
  7. Black_Dawn

    Black_Dawn Banned Member

    Yeah Scum, I am pretty judgemental, really wise of you to notice that just by reading my post. Many times I had thought about that, but not so many the other way round you said: being judgemental with others.

    That also made me think that if I was as judgemental with others as sometimes I am with myself, it just would show all the nonsenseless of this way of thinking and seeing things. However, never I'm like that with others... :p

    Anyway, many thanks again for the replies, they still made me think about stuff that maybe I hadn't thought about before, too often I fall in the stupid trap of believing that anything I could think has been already thought.

    PD: Never before in a post (and anywhere) had I used so many times the words think/thought :O
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm glad it made you think. I suspected you wouldn't be as judgemental of others, and maybe learning not to be so hard on yourself might be worthwhile trying to do.

    Maybe when you catch yourself being judgemental could you think what you would say or how yo would react to someone else and maybe try to apply that to yourself?
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