I made it through the holidays! All by myself but thats the life I made for myself. Now its the ho-drum time of the year. Bitter cold and little to no sunlight. I spend my time in this little apartment with very little contact from the outside world. Going to the grocery store stresses me out big time so I get up early and do the shopping before the crowds appear. I don't know exactly what I feel anymore. I just had an appointment with my pshyc and another with a MD. I told both I am feeling nothing and that scares me. All I got out of it was an offer for a rectal exam! Not kidding! I was honest with the MD and told him of my suicidal past since he is a new doctor to me. Then I had to spend 15 minutes convincing him he didn't need to have me admitted in the pshyc ward. It was like if he sent me away he would get a medal or something. I need to go back Monday for a follow up but I requested another doc. My therapist didn't show up again for another session. So now I am on an 8 week stretch with out therapy. I have requested another but she is the only one who comes to this isolated town, so changing is not an option. I feel like I'm in a fishbowl, looking out at the world. That is the only feeling I can feel the past few days. Other wise I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I just don't feel. I told a therapist about this about ten years ago. After about six months of weekly sessions she was astounded that I was actually with out feelings. When I was comitted last year I was passed off as not participating in sessions because alot of times I said I was feeling nothing. When I do feel its mostly suicidal thoughts but I do get those manic highs in there once in a while...and I love it! I have severe depression and PTSD. I am on a gamet of meds. From what I have been reading I fit into Borderline personality disorder also. I mention this to my shrink and he shrugs it off. Changing pshyciatrists means a six month wait. Anybody else ever experience not feeling anything? I feel like I have no soul so much of the time.