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Feelings.... Who? Me?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sparky55313, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    I made it through the holidays! All by myself but thats the life I made for myself. Now its the ho-drum time of the year. Bitter cold and little to no sunlight. I spend my time in this little apartment with very little contact from the outside world. Going to the grocery store stresses me out big time so I get up early and do the shopping before the crowds appear.
    I don't know exactly what I feel anymore. I just had an appointment with my pshyc and another with a MD. I told both I am feeling nothing and that scares me. All I got out of it was an offer for a rectal exam! Not kidding!
    I was honest with the MD and told him of my suicidal past since he is a new doctor to me. Then I had to spend 15 minutes convincing him he didn't need to have me admitted in the pshyc ward. It was like if he sent me away he would get a medal or something. I need to go back Monday for a follow up but I requested another doc.
    My therapist didn't show up again for another session. So now I am on an 8 week stretch with out therapy. I have requested another but she is the only one who comes to this isolated town, so changing is not an option.
    I feel like I'm in a fishbowl, looking out at the world. That is the only feeling I can feel the past few days. Other wise I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I just don't feel.
    I told a therapist about this about ten years ago. After about six months of weekly sessions she was astounded that I was actually with out feelings.
    When I was comitted last year I was passed off as not participating in sessions because alot of times I said I was feeling nothing.
    When I do feel its mostly suicidal thoughts but I do get those manic highs in there once in a while...and I love it!
    I have severe depression and PTSD. I am on a gamet of meds.
    From what I have been reading I fit into Borderline personality disorder also. I mention this to my shrink and he shrugs it off. Changing pshyciatrists means a six month wait.
    Anybody else ever experience not feeling anything? I feel like I have no soul so much of the time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes i felt this way and my psychologist explained i was in a different level of depression a deeper level and if i did not get out of there it would be hard for me to surface again. There are different levels of depression and you are in deep I hate it when therapist just don't give a dam to show up knowing how long it has been and knowing you need help. Ihope you do get a new psych doctor maybe help you get out of that level of depression your in. take care
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Have you ever been able to feel anything? You said you were on a lot of meds, and it just made me wonder if it's either a side effect of one of the meds, or some of them having a negative reaction to each other.
  4. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    I was very mechanical in my early years of adulthood. I was in a vert stale 18 tear marriage. I just acted the parts of being the perfect family man...never having any feelings.
    It was when I re married and was so in love that I had any feelings at all. But that marriage didn't last long.
    So now I am back where I started and it sucks! Don't even have the desire to date anymore.
    I spend all my time either here in SF or playing guitar, which no longer has my interest.
    I know I need help and have been considering checking myself in but I know if I do that, I can leave when I want to. That would defeat the purpose.
    Right now I am at odds with myself!
    Thank you so much for the concern. Its been a monumental help.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Oooh, I've always wanted to learn to play the guitar! (Sorry, I know that was random and WAY off track).

    Do you think it would help if you had yourself committed? That way you couldn't check yourself out at any time.

    My PM box is always open if you ever need anything or just feel like talking.
  6. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    I do toy with the thought of giving in and having myself comitted again. The last trip was not so comfortable but I know there are other places that are even worse.
    I know the routine of the first 48 hours and don't really think I want to do that again.
    I'm not insane, I just seek help. But checking ones self in is an admission of a certain guilt. My guilt I have no control of.
    I want to live as much as I want to die.
    Guilt? Comes from how we are taught that we so much dishoner those they say love us.
    But I am certain those who made these rules we live by had never had a mental health issue...they just assume.
    I was taken back by a thread that was closed earlier. I had much to comment about that but that will be another time.
    I will be ok for now. Now I just need sleep.
    Thanks for listening......I will be ok.