aint many reasons to smile these days, at least not a real one anyway. sometimes things just go my way but they always fall. if i could have one thing in my life it would be to have everyone else happy. ive already left myself to die, theres no point in trying to be happy anymore. always watching something you've wanted for years, wanting it, loving it. just when it starts to get close you realise its not what you thought it was and just like that the one reason thats kept you hanging around for so long has changed into a reason to run away as fast as you can. its when things like that happen being happy just doesnt seem real anymore. excepting this makes me feel like im myself. me, unhappy, not expecting anything, not owed anything, just me in this life till the empty ending.
Everything changes constantly, its the nature of life. But its not because something is transient that it is not real or has no value. We meet people, learn to love them, they grow and change, we grow and change, sometimes we drift apart, sometimes they leave or we leave in one way or the other. Then rather then grieving, which is healthy and allow us to move on, we prefer avoiding the pain by telling ourselves it was not real or it has no value. That's like saying the blossoming of the apple trees in the Spring is not beautiful because it lasts only a few days. You deprive yourself of the joy and replace the healthy sadness of loss by an empty despair. We often forget than in every endings there are the seeds of new beginnings, others people to love, new adventures, new places to discover...And when its our time to exit the building, we leave behind the sum of our choices for other to deal with: have we strove to make a better world for those left behind, have we nurtured new seedlings? When the apple fallen on the ground rot, at its core are those little apple trees in the making, that will start life anew. The more fully and the more generously we live our own life, the more we can feed new beginnings.
