I don't get it. It really feels like I am grieving something or at least the same feelinhs you have when you do. Today I was for a change in a good mood. I was driving a long and I actually felt happy, then all of a sudden I realised I was happy and felt bad for being happy. Just like when you lose someone close and you laugh for the 1st time or feel happy and you feel bad for feeling that as you shouldn't do. So this is what happened today. I was feeling quite happy which is the first time in so long but as soon as I thought about it I sunk straight back in to my depression. Why!!!!!!!!!!!!! Went to see an alcohol advisory service today. I went thinking that yes, I need to cut down as is not doing me any good but then she turned round to me and said that the way I had answered questions it meant that I was dependent. I was quite shocked. I dont think I am. Yeh,I drink a hell of a lot and drink when I feel angry, upset or stressed. So she also asked when the last time I went 7 days without a drink was, well to be honest I don't think I have since I was about 16. Does that mean I have been dependent since I was 16. But then ask most 23 yr olds and seriously how many of them can say they have had more than a week without a single drop passing their lips. Most people drink at the weekend. Ok, so I dont just limit to my drinking at the weekend but to actually say that is a problem that have not been more than 7 days. Does it just mean I am in denial? Or the fact that I can ask that question does that mean that it is todays culture that means it is normal. I know I have a problem. I can't limit myself for a start. A switch just flicks sometimes and I just drink to the stage where I pass out as I want to as I want to not be in that world at the time. The past 2x that i have been out I have done exactly that. The 1st time I just suddenly felt really down and wanted to get out, the 2nd time I had told my friend about a couple of the overdoses and so was really upset so went and brought loads to drink from the bar and drank so much that passed out. One of the things that was asked today was has it affected my relationship with friends, well yeh as I am worried what I drink and the only time I tend to see them is when they go out drinking so I avoid that as dont wanna end up in hospital through drinking. So in a way it is not the drink that has affected it it is me wanting to avoid drink. And of course when a couple drink together sometimes it can cause arguments between them. So other than me taking overdoses or passing out through drink nothing other than those is out of the normal. I know I drink to much and I need to cut down. I think i need shock treatment. I have agreed to go to my doc to get a liver function test. If it comes out bad that will shock me in to stopping. I know I am suicidal but that is not a way that i consider a good way to go. I am still planning ways in which it can look like an accident. Not sure how though, I am worried about hurting family and friends that if they knew what happened there would be some hate there. I hate my self enough without anyone else hating me. So planning ways in which can seem natural and wont cause any one else to feel guilty.. so no walking in to road without looking, n crashing my car. One way I have considered is going in to a bad area and get shot or something. After all this city is always in the UK news for its gun crime. It doesn't have its nickname for no reason. I don't get how the media and TV portray overdoses. They make it look as though you pass out not long after taking the pills. In reality that is not the case. I have been told it is a long drawn out process. Maybe, i haven't found the right drug. I saw a thing on the TV the other day where someone took something that made his blood sugar go so low he went in to coma then died. Seemed as though that wouldn't have been painful or drawn out and if you could get rid of evidence would be easy to pull off. It's only a matter of being able to find someone who uses that thing regulary. Maybe I am just affected by the media and TV 2 much!