Feels strange to be here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RossInZona, Jan 2, 2012.

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  1. RossInZona

    RossInZona Active Member


    I'm not really one to post about my problems on the internet, and people who know me might not even realize that I have suicidal thoughts. I can hide it pretty well and put on a good front.

    I joined this forum over two years ago but haven't really been back since. I guess I've actually had suicidal thoughts ever since my early teenage years, at least. I actually attempted suicide once when I was 16, by swallowing a bunch of pills which I threw up the next day.

    It just so happened that I just had my 48th birthday last week, and I got a "happy birthday" message from this forum in my e-mail.

    I'm not even sure how I managed to survive this long. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I won't go into my whole life story, but I have sought professional help in the past. I don't really have much faith in the "professionals" anymore.

    I've been taking an accounting of my life over these past few days, trying to analyze it and determine where things went wrong. I realize that I made some mistakes in life. I have many regrets, and I know that my personal situation is my own fault. I'm not looking for any pity, and even if I was, I wouldn't expect to find any.

    I don't expect it to get any better. I have nothing really to live for at present, and all I can see in the future is old age. There's really nothing much to look forward to. The best I can hope for now is to eke out some meager existence for a few more years, all the while my body slowly deteriorating.

    I've never married. I have no children and few friends to speak of. Very few people would even miss me if I was gone. Both of my parents are dead, so I've fulfilled my obligation to outlive my parents. I don't see that I have any moral obligation to continue. No one depends on me for support. Society would be better off without me, as I don't feel able to make any useful contribution. The most I would be is a burden to society.

    Sometimes, I wish the attempt I made when I was 16 had succeeded. If someone told me back then that I have "my whole life ahead of me" and could look at the way my life is now, it probably would have given me an even stronger motivation to off myself.

    I'm agnostic, but I've also browsed through some religious-oriented sites and tried to get a religious perspective on suicide. I've analyzed all my earthly obligations and concluded that earthly society would be better off. I don't feel any obligation to my country or my community to go on living. The few friends and peripheral family members I have left will get by without me; I'm small issue to their lives anyway, so I'm sure they'll be fine.

    But I'm also slightly worried that there might actually be a God who sends souls to Hell for killing themselves. If there is no God and death is just total emptiness in which I would have no awareness or consciousness whatsoever - just like being put under general anesthesia (which is one description I've heard), then I suppose that would be okay. It's what I would be facing anyway eventually. What difference would it make if I go there now or 20 years from now? What good is an extra 20 years in an aging, wheezing, tired out old body? The last 20 years have been pretty much a total waste for me. What miracles can I expect in the future?

    If there is a God, He must be some kind of sadist, forcing people into a life they never asked for, and if they don't like it or do one thing wrong, they're sentenced to Hell for all eternity. Great. That stacks the deck against us mere mortals quite nicely. If God really loves me, as the Christians claim, then He would have done something by now. I've struggled all my life. I wasn't even always an agnostic; there were times when I deeply believed. I lived the way I thought God wanted me to live, but it was all a lie. Since I've determined that statements that "God loves you" and "God has a plan for you" are bald-faced lies, then could it also be that admonitions about Hell could also be lies?


    1. If there is no God and death is the final end, then would it make any difference if I die now, as opposed to 20-30 years from now? It'll all be the same in the end, no matter what I do in the time I have left.

    2. If there is a God, then my chances of sinning are greater the longer I live. I'll end up in Hell anyway, since God certainly isn't going to give me any help. He has already forsaken me. What little I've gained in life has been a struggle, getting it all on my own, despite all the curve balls and other nonsense God has thrown in my direction.

    So, either way, I would probably end up in the same place. I can either wait a while and struggle through life some more, finding pointless activities to mark time until the end finally comes. Or I can save society a lot of trouble, time and money by accelerating the process and ending things sooner.

    Don't worry. I'm not going to commit suicide today and probably not tomorrow either. But unless some dramatic, life-changing miracle happens for me very soon, I doubt I'll be here much longer. If there is a God, then I'll expect a miracle, if He's really all that concerned about saving my life. But if there is no God, then I guess it doesn't matter anyway.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi yes i hear what you are saying i do I do hope you stay here and just chat and let the thoughts go a bit hun You are important no matter what you think ok You will be missed
    I know somedays seem that there is no hope hun but there is it will eventually show it self hugs
  3. RossInZona

    RossInZona Active Member

    Thanks for your kind words, total eclipse. I'm still here. I don't feel particularly important at this moment, though. Very few people on this Earth would actually miss me; I can count them all on one hand.

    I've been holding on for a long time. My life has been hanging by a thread since the 1970s. I've been hoping and waiting for something to eventually show itself for a long time now.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Those handful of people are the important people to hold onto then okay I have just a few too i hold on to them to keep me here. I just want you to know i understand you need peace i get that you need for something someone to reach in and pull you out of that darkness I do hope you are able to reach out to a new doctor with new eyes perhaps to see or ears to hear better i do hope you keep opening the doors hun new therapist new meds each day a new one is developed It is the newer meds that have help my family Please know you can pm me anytime hun i hear what you are saying i do and you are tired i get that but hold on okay it just takes one person that will make a difference after many years somene is finally helping my twin and she is healing now noone thought there was hope for her now she is on her way back hun please know that there is always hope hugs
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