Fell off the wagon...

[booeyburgers]

Well last week i had a hard time trying to getting "undepressed" (if that is a word) and i went to the doc and felt great afterward. She gave me seroquel and was told to come in the following monday. Well i have been taking the prescribed 300mg dose and its doing nothing. i still have my suicidal thoughts and extreme thoughts of homicide.

I really, REALLY want to kill someone. i know that might sound wierd but its the truth. I envy the kid in Omaha, Ne that killed eight people in the mall and wish that it was me instead of him. Everytime i hear on the news that someone was murdered or committed suicide i wish i was that person. I CAN'T get it out of my head. I've tried to keep relaxed but those thoughts keep coming up........

i have no plans for a suicide attempt but i feel its eminent. I don't wanna tell my "pill pusher" aka my doctor because all they will do is put me in the looney bin for a couple of days. I feel that the only way to cure this urge is to actually commit a violent crime... <Mod Edit: Encouraging illegal activity>

I just did the Burns Depression checklist and my score was severe depression. I also slept 17 hours last night and into today. went to bed at 11pm and woke up around 5pm the following day. The sleep was awesome but its not natural...



~~edit~~
I'm also beginning to shut everybody i know out of my life. The reasons i have for doing this are trivial but whatever.

 

[Bograt]

I've been there before. When you get so upset at feeling so bad that you want to lash out and do something violent, just because.

(disclaimer: somewhat funny in a "dark humor" way, and possible trigger thoughts)

I was in high school, a sophmore I think, completely socially inept (I was home schooled from 4th to 9th grade) and pretty much the target of everyones harassment because I did know know how to respond, etc... probably much the same as many folks here. Well, after running away to find a good spot to kill myself (I did leave a note....but it was not found, bitter irony in THAT failure, eh) and coming back after a long night spent keeping my campfire going to keep coyotes from adding me to the menu... Odd how I ran away to die, but when death actually came and started circling my little camp I pussed out.....anyway, my parents and I decided to put me into inpatient care "for a while" (mainly them I can't blame them they could not watch me 24/7).

Well, by this point not only did I want to die, I was so pissed off at life and everything that I wanted to take a few folks with me, in the most graphic and violent way possible. Well, when we got to the psyc ward and checked me in they only had room in the "depressed/drugged out teen" section so again I was an outcast because I did not use drugs, and because of THAT no one trusted me, they thought I was a police plant or something. This did not help to much, but I managed to get through it more or less by myself. After a few days I started the group therepy sessions. We went around and disscused why we were there and when we got to me: "I'm here because I hate myself and I want to die, but I hate the world to and I want to take a few people with me." You can imagine how well THAT went over. I was feeling a little better, so I threw so humor into it: "You see? Its good I'm here. You want to die, I want to kill people. Slip me a knife and I can solve ALL our problems!"

Needless to say, no one took me up on my offer. I got put on meds and a weekly shrink visit, which did exactly dick. But the look on their faces to see that they actually could end up getting shuffled off this mortal coil right there was... interesting. There was a few that might have taken me up on that offer, but most of them got a cold dose of reality. (I think some were "attention seekers" that got a wee bit more than they bargained for). Anyhoo, I don't have much to help you right now, but maybe this little tale will get a chuckle out of you.

 

[SoulRiser]

"You see? Its good I'm here. You want to die, I want to kill people. Slip me a knife and I can solve ALL our problems!"

That made me lol :P

I used to think about killing people a lot, but I took my anger out on critters in violent games and on the local plantlife with a big stick instead. And to think people say violent games cause violence... If anything it can help prevent it :P

Is it anyone in particular that you want to kill or just any random person? If it's someone specific, it'll be easier to solve the problem, but if you hate humanity in general and don't care who you kill... it can get complicated. There are lots of mean and uncaring people in the world, but I think it's worth letting them all live just for the fact that there are some totally awesome nice ones out there too.