I would like to clarify that I do not pity myself, I am angry at no one but myself. I am the problem. I did something horrible when I was younger, and it's only been as I've grown up that I've realised just how horrible it was, and i can't live with myself now knowing i'm that kind of person. and no i am not going to go into detail because i don't have the mental energy to go over it again. it's so complex. (and deep down part of me feels you would all ban me or better/worse - agree that it's for the best if i end my life.) and no i didn't cause anyone life threatening harm or physical hurt i.e. abuse. it wasn't malicious towards anyone. it was a character thing but affected many people. I did it because I panicked, I was emotional and scared. It was selfish and short-sighted and caused much more harm than if i had just let it pass. It was also gutless, despicable, vile, selfish etc. two sides of the coin. the worst part is i got away with it (more on that later) i read posts about people on here who have had really horrible experiences in life. I've had some rough times, everyone has, but this is not about that and i don't compare. some of you are real troopers and when i read your accounts i think you're all magnificent. So i would like to make that distinction. my suicidality is purely self driven. I get slightly better in the sense i stop being so selfish; obsessing over what 'i' did, unable to help other people because i'm so busy hating myself and hurting myself. this is all extremely selfish in that sense. but then something will remind me, my brain is making ALL KINDS OF LINKS to things now that will remind me of it. I'm trapped between truly moving on, living for others and being selfless, being loving and compassionate to everyone (not me), and this. I feel on one level that it's just too late to be selfless, that i must continue to punish myself because really I'm being too easy on myself. really i have the deep convinction I should just kill myself as an act of social justice and atonement. that's the fucking irony - when I'm not affected I want to live for others. yes it sounds cliched. i work in social services. i love working with people. I love animals - my goal in life is to open up a not killing shelter. I don't want to have children of my own really because I'd rather help look after the children/teenagers who need support through respite or something. part of me realises this would be more beneficial to society and community and well the world if i could use the remainder of my life dedicated to making a positive impact and i guess making up (though again we must be careful because then the act is from the wrong intention - to ease 'my' pain - rather from a genuine desire for altruism) for what i did, the other part thinks that to even have this opportunity is on false grounds, i don't deserve it and if i had been caught say i would never be allowed to continue in my profession. If i'd been caught at the time i would've killed myself anyway. so i've recently realised my whole life since then is not 'real.' part of me wants to own up to it formally. i've told my parents, some friends, my psychologist (who thinks i've overreacting). I feel like by not owning up to it, even though it was years ago, i am holding myself above everyone. in reality i should have to pay the consequences just like everyone else. I'm definately no better than anyone - why should i protect myself?? the only thing i'm worried about is that if i own up to it i won't be able to be a positive member of society as i'll possibly get a record. Just to clarify when the thing happened i had no idea there was a legal component. it's only recently i realised this and it's more than i can bear. so that's the thing. go on holding onto it, feeling guilty, and being a coward for not owning fully up to the consequences if there are any OR let go of it, live selflessly but still a coward OR own up to it, have my future ruined, and kill myself because my life won't be worth living for anyone's sake. suggestions/comments/queries?