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Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by warrabinda, Feb 5, 2011.

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  1. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    I would like to clarify that I do not pity myself, I am angry at no one but myself. I am the problem. I did something horrible when I was younger, and it's only been as I've grown up that I've realised just how horrible it was, and i can't live with myself now knowing i'm that kind of person.

    and no i am not going to go into detail because i don't have the mental energy to go over it again. it's so complex. (and deep down part of me feels you would all ban me or better/worse - agree that it's for the best if i end my life.) and no i didn't cause anyone life threatening harm or physical hurt i.e. abuse. it wasn't malicious towards anyone. it was a character thing but affected many people. I did it because I panicked, I was emotional and scared. It was selfish and short-sighted and caused much more harm than if i had just let it pass. It was also gutless, despicable, vile, selfish etc. two sides of the coin. the worst part is i got away with it (more on that later)

    i read posts about people on here who have had really horrible experiences in life. I've had some rough times, everyone has, but this is not about that and i don't compare. some of you are real troopers and when i read your accounts i think you're all magnificent. So i would like to make that distinction. my suicidality is purely self driven.

    I get slightly better in the sense i stop being so selfish; obsessing over what 'i' did, unable to help other people because i'm so busy hating myself and hurting myself. this is all extremely selfish in that sense. but then something will remind me, my brain is making ALL KINDS OF LINKS to things now that will remind me of it.

    I'm trapped between truly moving on, living for others and being selfless, being loving and compassionate to everyone (not me), and this. I feel on one level that it's just too late to be selfless, that i must continue to punish myself because really I'm being too easy on myself. really i have the deep convinction I should just kill myself as an act of social justice and atonement.

    that's the fucking irony - when I'm not affected I want to live for others. yes it sounds cliched. i work in social services. i love working with people. I love animals - my goal in life is to open up a not killing shelter. I don't want to have children of my own really because I'd rather help look after the children/teenagers who need support through respite or something. part of me realises this would be more beneficial to society and community and well the world if i could use the remainder of my life dedicated to making a positive impact and i guess making up (though again we must be careful because then the act is from the wrong intention - to ease 'my' pain - rather from a genuine desire for altruism) for what i did, the other part thinks that to even have this opportunity is on false grounds, i don't deserve it and if i had been caught say i would never be allowed to continue in my profession. If i'd been caught at the time i would've killed myself anyway. so i've recently realised my whole life since then is not 'real.'

    part of me wants to own up to it formally. i've told my parents, some friends, my psychologist (who thinks i've overreacting). I feel like by not owning up to it, even though it was years ago, i am holding myself above everyone. in reality i should have to pay the consequences just like everyone else. I'm definately no better than anyone - why should i protect myself?? the only thing i'm worried about is that if i own up to it i won't be able to be a positive member of society as i'll possibly get a record.

    Just to clarify when the thing happened i had no idea there was a legal component. it's only recently i realised this and it's more than i can bear.
    so that's the thing. go on holding onto it, feeling guilty, and being a coward for not owning fully up to the consequences if there are any OR let go of it, live selflessly but still a coward OR own up to it, have my future ruined, and kill myself because my life won't be worth living for anyone's sake.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    All i can say is the past is the past leave it there there is nothing positive going to come out of bring all this back it is over. You move forward and you continue to help society You are different person now so live as you would NOW okay you have owned up to what happened you told so listen to your psychologist and let it go

    Do something positve now and quit living in the torment of yesterday that is my opinion you are able to create postive things for less fortunate now then do it and stop the self attacks they do noone any good.
  3. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i know i am a different person, or rather i was always me there was just a horrible period of my life when i tried to be someone else. i have always been incredibly sensitive, caring and compassionate but let's be honest the world isn't made to make life easy for highly sensitive people.

    I guess the thing is, really I feel like I should be punished.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    and many do feel that way i feel like i should not be here period for things i did not do it is the past and will stay there okay live in the present moment there will be no good come of it punishing yourself It will only make you feel better noone else okay so let it go and keep helping others as you are doing hugs.
  5. It sounds to me as though you're doing a fine job of it, or, rather, that you've suffered already as a result of your conscience.

    What would you say if a friend of you came to you with the same story? That is, someone sweet and kind whom you cared about deeply, but who was suffering tremendous remorse about something they'd done long ago--so much so that she wanted to kill herself? I'm sure you've thought about it this way before, but if not, perhaps that bit of objectivity would help. :)

    Also, there's a reason that most places have a statute of limitations on various crimes. Perhaps you could check into that to see whether at some point the law would consider you innocent.

    Last but not least, how old were you at the time? If you were under 18, too, the legalities are often different.
  6. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    I was 17 and in a very bad place. it doesn't justify what i did i know. the most remorse i feel is about hurting other people, lying in particular. and these people aren't in my life anymore so i can't go and confess and apologise. I guess because my relationships with people now are so healthy, i can't imagine being so manipulative, even though there was no malicious intent i would never dream of doing it. the shock never wears off. especially now as an adult.
    I don't think there's a statute of limitation on it. I'm not sure it's australian law... I'm trying to see if i can go to the police and discuss it. maybe it's the mature thing to do? but then it seems unfair because i've tried damn hard to change my life, my self for the better and i'd probably lose it all.
    i'm doing a terrific job of punishing myself, haha! which is a shame all that energy could be going to something far greater.
    thank you though for your kind words. if a friend came up to me, because i love my friends, i'd remind them that i can't judge their past actions (none of the people i'm friends with now knew me back then) because i'm with them in the here and now. because the action wasn't directed at me, assuming, i'd support them obviously. if it was, i always try to understand why the person felt the need to hurt me and forgive them. i find people are usually scared of saying sorry because they don't know if the person will just get angrier. i guess in my position it's difficult to look at what i would do objectively - the law could be a factor.
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