Fern's Little Story

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Fern17, Jan 16, 2009.

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  1. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Well hello everyone,

    I live near Ottawa, Canada. We're currently in a deep freeze and I'm working to keep my fingers and toes warm. It was -39 C this morning. It's now warmed up to a balmy -26.

    I found this site last night when I was actually starting to think all kinds of suicidal thoughts and my regular support group forum was ticking me off. So I came on here and read a bunch of things.

    Today I am feeling a touch better, though I know I'm walking on shaky ground. Depression and suicidal thoughts are not new to me. I've been in 2 major breakdowns where I fought suicidal desires for months at a time. I am now in a depression since October and I am managing to stay--for the most part--away from wanting to commit suicide. But last night I was just not in a good way.

    In any case, I am not sure what exactly I'm looking for--but it's always good to connect with people who "get it". I've got a network of friends who really DO get it--people I met through an in-person support group. And we've become quite close. But over the past couple months, I've been isolating and, well, pushing people away.

    I do not have any external reason to be depressed. I know that I am suffering from a chemical imbalance. I was diagnosed with bipolar II about 3 yrs ago. The meds I took really did the trick. But they're not working anymore. :sad: So I'm now going through a whole new medication regime and being weaned off of one particular med and onto another. But I'm still on 2 others, though the dosages have recently gone up.

    Ultimately, it's a struggle. This time around, I've managed to stay fairly optimistic, despite not being able to work and struggling with a real flatness and an "I really don't care" attitude for the most part. And I have learned to be kinder to myself; to give myself credit where credit is due.

    And yet, sometimes (like last night), I just want to go...

    Thanks for listening.

  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello Fern & welcome to Sf, I'm sorry you are struggling although pleased to see the tremendous effort you are putting in to keep yourself safe.
    I hope you will find the help and support you are seeking here, most of us have found Sf in similar circumstances and can really relate to how you are feeling.

    Take care Hazel
  3. daredhead

    daredhead Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I hope your new meds start to work. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. I live really close to Chicago, and it's about -13 F outside right now, and that's an improvement.
  4. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Fern and welcome to the forum. Hope you find what you are looking for. It may sound wierd but I really envy you your freezing weather. That's because I have a thing about ice climbing and at the moment it's not happening here in the UK.:smile:
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Fern, welcome to sf :)
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Fern. Gald you found us. :shake:
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums.
  8. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    Hey, welcome to the forums :D
  9. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Hello again everyone. Thank you for all of your kind messages. It is currently Friday night and I have been keeping myself busy watching TV, having a pillow fight with my son and knitting--not all at the same time, though.

    Today has been better than yesterday. These are the things I need to try so hard to remember when I'm having such awful days.

    It's been a bit trying having my son home 24/7 for the past 3 days. I live waaaaaaaay off the beaten path, so it's not simple to get a friend over for him to play with on the spur of the moment. He's been pretty good--my son is really a great kid--but it's still hard on my nerves because of my frame of mind lately.

    I also just want to say that it's nice to have a place where I can actually share the reality if I'm feeling suicidal. I have been apart of an online forum for people with mood disorders for about 3 years (on and off) and if, at anytime, someone mentions feeling suicidal, an administrator contacts the person with info re: a crisis line, etc. and then locks the thread. I always find it a bit strange that on a site for people with mood disorders, we are not "allowed" to share any suicidal feelings.

    I made a conscious decision during my very first (absolutely frightening) mental breakdown 3 years ago, to NOT be ashamed of my mental health issues. I choose to talk freely about it with my friends and community (without shoving it in anyone's face--I have class) :tongue: and I have also done public talks about my experience with mental illness, along with recovery.

    But here I am...in another hard time. I've learned not to assume it'll never happen again (depression), but I also live my life in full belief that I CAN live a depression-free life. I do believe it, fully. I'm just not there yet. :blink:

    In any case, thank you everyone. I appreciate that there is a place I can come to, to share my feelings and frustrations without being shut down.

    Thank you!!!!
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hey fern. I'm a fellow Canadian too and it's just too cold up here. I'm from the GTA region, so at least things are a little warmer than in Ottawa. Welcome to SF. :welcome:
  11. Puppy

    Puppy Well-Known Member

    Hi Fern, welcome to the forums :) You sound like a really strong person, and I'm sure you'll find loads of support here :hug:
  12. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    Thx for the interesting read. You do seems like a cool and intelligent person. I agree with your view about depression. I think it can sometimes be hard to see any light and its like walking around with a big dark cloud over once head. And when someone say, no no its sunny like hell we give them a peculiar look. It takes what ever time is needed and for some its harder then others. For me knowing for my self that deep down my mind is clouded and that often times there are more outs then I can give credits to is always comforting. Some are left to be discovered and some I need guidance to be able to see.

    Here we are, free to talk about real feelings instead of pretending and we are also free to remind ourself that we might not hold the truth in those dark hours of anxiety. (its actually a fear of mine, what if I get a bad anxiety attack and end it? Sure I would not know it by then, but I know this now, thats why I want to hold on.)

    Anyway I talk to much hehe, I wish you welcome and hope you can get some support here and that you find your way out of the depression soon! :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2009
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