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Fight of my Life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by QuiltedPenguin, Apr 17, 2012.

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  1. "I don't know why I'm here." It's a phrase that I've uttered more times than I can remember. For the past seven years, I have secretly wrestled with my depression--too ashamed of myself to reach out for help. The world seemingly revolves around me as I battle the shadows in the very recesses of my own mind, all screaming in pain. I grew up in a family that preached love for everything, especially for life itself. How can I explain to them that I never loved life? That my only wish is to submit to the eternal blackness of death.

    I've realized that the only time I am ever truly happy is in my dreams, lost in the wild imagination of a scared and lonely child--my escape. Every day is a reiteration of the day before, forever trapping me in an infinite loop of despair. I lie here, plagued by the same musings that have become as much a part of me as the skin on my bones. I head to work, and find myself unable to focus on anything but my own inadequacies. Lost in contemplation, I can't shake the feeling that this might be my last day. I've been fighting my own mind for so long. I don't want to fight anymore.

    I have failed at the most basic of human instincts--the will to live. Society tells me that suicide is wrong, yet I keep telling myself that it's the only solution. They tell me that I need a support group, or a therapist. That I need to talk to someone about my feelings, rather than trusting my own rationale. In the end, I am the master of my fate. Only I can choose what to do with my life.

    I choose to die.
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Hello seven years a long time to be fighting depression on your own and will only get worse than better.Dont be ashamed to reach for help.Sometimes you need the care and attention to help with your own self esteem.Youve done good reaching out here and you just need to take that little step further and talk to your doc.Depression and suicidal thoughts can make your thinking very irrational.Talking and getting proper help does do wonders.
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Unfortunately society is having a rough time with accepting that depression in people is no different than high blood pressure in others, or diabetes, or bad vision, or any other so-called illness or disorder. This acceptance keeps people from openly sharing and discussing their depression and that keeps help from seeping in. It's something that we all, as a society, need to work harder on changing the perception of. There is nothing to be ashamed of, though I realize that the feeling of that is real.

    There is so much about life that is worth reaching for. You say that you are happy in your dreams - why not try to make some dreams come true? Many dreams, of course, cannot ever be realized if they are pure fantasy, but surely you have some interests or goals that you would consider to be triumphs if you were able to achieve? One of my son's was complaining to me recently that he wants to find another job - he hates his job. I tried to explain to him that there is a reason we refer to jobs as "going to work," and that is because they are often not fun... or else we'd say we are "going to fun." Many of us, myself in the past included, work or worked in professions or occupations that we did not enjoy. We'd make it through a day and then go home to try and find some pleasure in our hobbies, our families, our interests, even our favorite movies or TV shows.

    If you are indeed the master of your own fate, should not you focus on mastering a solution to bring about a change that is more positive? Don't take that the wrong way, I am simply saying that where there is a will there is a way and if there is one solution that is what many would preceive as negative, then too there must be a solution that could be more positive. It might be harder to achieve, but to dream a dream and live it is truly the most wonderful part of living. We all have only one shot at life and though we all often stumble and fail, try after try within it, we can't give up until the game is over of it's own course.

    My reply to you does not challenge your thoughts. I wish that I could better understand them. I do understand that what you are saying and thinking is very real and that makes it far more difficult to heed what I am saying, I am sure. Even still, if you can try... then there is a chance to experience something more. Perhaps at least put the feelings that are shame aside and give seeking out some help a chance. You're taking a first step by posting here. It's far more difficult to do this in person, but by doing so what really do you have to lose? What possible loss can you have from sharing and seeing if perhaps by trying there is a solution that can turn things around? As a concerned person who does not even know you, I hope at least you'll give that a shot.
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