I can't even begin to comprehend what you are saying...
There's an inner conflict taking place - medicate or meditate, drink yourself into a stupor; what does it matter?
If you haven't killed your conscience by now you are still in a better place than I'll ever be: stretched out on a sweet, innocent patch of green covered by a clowded sky.
You are in a place where you are still asking "why?", where answers make sense to your rational mind and where the image of your future at least takes the form of a scream.
If it weren't for guilt and shame, I wouldn't even classify myself as human anymore.
In sum: I envy you and your feelings.
