Fighting against myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Dec 20, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I am having strong and disturbing thoughts to attempt suicide and wish I could succeed. However, with my long track history, I never could die, no matter what I do. I guess I didn't do it right or was too chicken to try something that would certainly kill myself. Right now I'm questioning if I really want to die right now, or just do something that will impair me for awhile and recover after my body struggles to live. I'm obsessed about acting it out and see what will happen to me. I just have too much at risk and I don't know if I should sabotage all that I have gained since my last attempt and throw it all away. However, I'm starting to not care about my future anymore so I can just do what I'm thinking about doing. I wish I didn't have to think about the repercussions if I survive it, which has stopped me from acting out lately. I wish I don't have anything in my life worth living so I can go ahead and just do it. I'm frustrated because I'm fighting with myself on whether to act or not. I sound redundant, but that's my brain thinking in circles. Maybe I'll just go to bed and hopefully wake up in a better frame of mind. I am just so tempted.
     
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm still feeling suicidal again. I just feel so lonely. Nobody wants to be my friend because maybe I scare them with my past or I push them away. All I think is that I don't have much of a life anymore. I don't have a boyfriend anymore, I'm disabled so I can't work, I graduated from college but can't do anything with a Business degree, I don't have a car, I've never been married, divorced, or have any children. I don't even think I have fell in love with anyone and when I do, it's one-sided. I feel there's nothing to hang on to, why should I keep fooling myself that life is worth living? I just go to group therapy all week. I feel guilty when I do get depressed and suicidal because I know there are many other people who might be in worse situations than I have. That makes me want to hurt myself more because I need to suffer more so I can join the crowd. When I get happy, I try to hide it because I think people don't want to see me happy. I just wish I could hurt myself without any hesitation or fear. I keep getting obsessed with the thought. It's been over one and a half years that I have not done anything to myself and I think it's time for another attempt. I don't want to tell anyone what I've been thinking and wanting. I just don't want to get help anymore. I think I really mean to harm myself so why should I get intervention? I tell you guys here because I know nobody would report me to the authorities. I'm tired of trying to fool myself to find meaning and purpose in my life. Nobody really cares anyway. My life and future is in my own hands and I'm about to ruin my life again. I hate myself so much. It's sad that I can only truthfully vent here. Being chronically mentally ill has taken a toll on me and I'm tired of dealing with my illness. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of myself. My life is so pathetic. Why should I try anymore? I'm just having false hopes, living for no reason. I know you all are also sick and tired of hearing about me. You're probably think what is my problem. I'm just crazy.
     
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    No. You're not crazy. And I'm not sick of hearing you speak your mind. That's what this place is for. Way to go on the college degree! I've got one that I never put to good use either, so I know how that goes. Be good to yourself today and try to do something that makes you feel good. We've all got to do that every once in a while, and remind ourselves to take a break from all of the negative thoughts. It's okay!
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, MisterBGone, I am going to celebrate early Christmas with my parents today. We're going to Chinatown and eat at a teahouse. Plus, we're exchanging gifts. I will have a good time. It will cheer me up a bit.
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I've been having lots of ideations lately. I've been dwelling and entertaining my mind with me being in a hospital ICU, clinging on to dear life on life support. I had this experience last time I attempted suicide and now I'm wishing I could do that again. Not to necessarily die, but struggling to live and on the brink of death is what excites me. I like living riskily and attracting a lot of attention from my family, friends, and the doctors and medical staff. I feel so guilty that I'm attention-seeking, because I feel I don't get enough attention in my regular, boring life. Only when I'm on my death bed does people start showing they care. Being very sick and having my life in the hands of the doctors to save me feels like my life is important enough to be saved. I dwell on my past experiences with attempted suicides, and now I'm really wishing to attempt another one. Just for the thrill of it. I wrote that I AM crazy, especially reading after this post. I even let my psychiatrist know that I'm having suicidal ideations again and she asked if I want to go to the psychiatric hospital and I said "no". I really meant "yes", but part of me wants to keep on living, through good days and bad days. I just can't give up and going back and forth to the hospital every time I feel suicidal is not going to get me anywhere. I have to remind myself that there ARE good things to cling on to and that my life DOES matter to others, if not me. But I don't really care about myself, just existing because that's what's expected of me and I try to trick my mind that life is really worth living. I am very mentally ill to have gone through what I've done and I just don't fit in to society. I contradict myself a lot, probably because I'm fighting with myself. I don't get much response from others in this forum so I feel that I have to answer my own problems. My life is very lonely but I push people away too. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm getting tired now, bye.
     
  6. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Please hang on friend. Call your psychiatrist and say "Yes!" You have been struggling a lot. Christmas is a tough time for all of us, esp when we are alone. Do you see your pdoc on a regular basis? My therapist got to know me and know I have to vent about suicide and that I really didn't want to do it either. Please find a friend or family member for tomorrow; serve in a soup kitchen, do anything you have to be with people - don't be alone. My worst Christmas was when I was alone all day. Call someone. Please.
     
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hey! I hope you had a great time with your family. Chinatown? I'm jealous. :) Try to find a better way to entertain yourself over the holiday. And keep talking here!
     
  8. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I fearfully admitted to my therapist and psychiatrist that I'm struggling with serious suicidal ideations. They are going to help me with a therapeutic approach called Cognitive Dialectical Therapy. It helps people who suffer from self harm or suicidal ideations and trauma. There are other issues the therapy addresses, but for me, those three are my demons that have to come out of the closet. As for isolation and depression this Christmas, I'm already tearful thinking how alone I will be even though my parents visited me last Monday as an early Christmas get-together. I cherished the time, but now I'm facing serious issues of self harm and social isolation from friends, which I don't have much of, or I avoid friendships. I'll be depressed this holiday, but oh well.
     
  9. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    My mother just called me to check on me and I got angry with her and cut the conversation short. I really wanted to tell her to not include me in her will because I am probably going to die before she does. It's not worth her effort to try to arrange something for me when she dies and I don't want to burden her anyway. She's just going to accept the fact that her daughter is very sick and will not live long. If I told her my real thoughts and feelings right now, she'd panic and probably call the law on me so they can do a welfare check on me. I don't like cops and I don't want to be bothered, period. I am spiraling downward and eventually I will end up doing something harmful to myself. It's just a matter of time. There's not much hope for me and no reason to live. I really wish I could figure out a plan but I haven't yet. Life sucks...
     
  10. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I've heard good things about that particular therapy. So, good luck! I don't know that you'll have much success in convincing your Mother to do that with her will--at least, I know I'd never be able to convince mine of such a thing. In any case you've got us to talk to so don't stop posting! And when it comes to friends, when you really think about it, if you're lucky you have one or two of those (real friends) in your lifetime...
     
  11. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Here I am on Christmas day, all alone. I've been thinking... that no matter what people say, suicidal feelings are like an open wound that can be covered by a bandage and although the surface wound will heal, the scar is still there. Struggling with suicide is like an addiction. We have cravings daily that we have to avoid and just try to live attempt-free one day at a time. Sometimes we will relapse, but we can recover again. The ups and downs we have to go through...
     
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