I am having strong and disturbing thoughts to attempt suicide and wish I could succeed. However, with my long track history, I never could die, no matter what I do. I guess I didn't do it right or was too chicken to try something that would certainly kill myself. Right now I'm questioning if I really want to die right now, or just do something that will impair me for awhile and recover after my body struggles to live. I'm obsessed about acting it out and see what will happen to me. I just have too much at risk and I don't know if I should sabotage all that I have gained since my last attempt and throw it all away. However, I'm starting to not care about my future anymore so I can just do what I'm thinking about doing. I wish I didn't have to think about the repercussions if I survive it, which has stopped me from acting out lately. I wish I don't have anything in my life worth living so I can go ahead and just do it. I'm frustrated because I'm fighting with myself on whether to act or not. I sound redundant, but that's my brain thinking in circles. Maybe I'll just go to bed and hopefully wake up in a better frame of mind. I am just so tempted.