Fighting It Every Day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by magical, Feb 2, 2010.

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  1. magical

    magical Member

    I am 52 and diagnosed with bi-polar. In the last 2 years, I have had 3 psychotic breaks (one suicide attempt) and been hospitalized twice and in jail once.

    My wife of 20 years is divorcing me. We have 19 y/o son together. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I've lost my home and my family and haven't worked in a long time.

    I go to therapy once a week and take an anti-psychotic. Every day for the last 2 weeks, I have been obsessed with taking my life.

    I battle the suicidal thoughts and try to put it off one more hour then one more day. I feel like it's wearing me down and it's only a matter of time.

    It seems the only possible solution to bring me any peace from all this pain of losing so many people and everything I loved and cared for.

    Essentially, I feel I have a lifetime of pain and regret and nothing left to live for.....Bob
     
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    come to chat tonight and talk to us.
     
  3. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    Hello,
    The thoughts of suicide also are with me everyday. I try to take one day at a time. I won't pretend to understand all you are going through because we all deal with different issues. My husband, stepson and his wife all died two years apart from each other. My world fell apart-I have a deep depression to deal with. I try to repeat this message a nurse at a p-hospital told me. I have to use it everyday. "
    Suicide is not an option-It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!"
    I am glad you reached out. I am also somewhat new at this site. I just started on a new antidepressant. I am hoping it helps.
    Did you know children of parents who commit suicide have a higher rate of suicide.
    I know you are hurting. My husband died one day before our 16th anniversary. I have been reaching out to some wonderful people on S.F. I hope you can feel like you are not alone.
    Write me anytime. Cathy
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm not going to pretend the thoughts will go away.. I have them everyday but have learned to live with them..Going to therapy for four years has taught me how to cope with them.. I know you are in pain and right now it is hard to think clearly.. I have found that when I get up in the morning I address them first thing.. I tell myself no you won't have me today..I put those thoughts behind me for the day..You can learn to do the same..Try seeing a therapist they work more at addressing the issues.. All the doctors do is prescribe meds and try and stableize you..I wish you luck!!!
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...it is so wretched to be in the position you are, but know there are many ppl here who have been so down, so at the very bottom, and are here to support you...please talk about how you are and find ppl who care...big hugs, J
     
  6. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    I'm 54, not many O/F's here. I fight it everyday too-expect that's why the forum is here. Music helps maybe-I got my jollies today by trashing an ex-friend on Face Book! He doesn't have a CLUE, but he's semi-famous for being a drunk in total denial & a liar. I don't recommend this, but it's been a temporary fix for me.:smug:
     
  7. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    My father committed suicide when I was 2 and a half. I have recently gotten divorced, lost my home, my 3 girls, my job, I have noting left. The military won't accept me. My life is crumbling all around me. I spend most my days at the library on the internet watch people go bye. I want to die, but can't leave my kids. It fucked me up growing up with a single parent that also attempted suicide. The pain of my mistakes while married are almost to much to bear. My friends left me, I have no one.
     
  8. magical

    magical Member

    I see I am not alone in dire circumstances with extreme grief. My condolences to those of you who are suffering too.
    I too am tormented by the mistakes that led to the end of my marriage to a very special person. She tried to help me and I failed her.
    I know there are things I should be doing to make myself feel better, but the motivation just isn't there. It's like I just flat out don't care right now and can't find the will to take better care of myself.
    I took the depression test and scored 90 for extreme depression. Right now being suicidal is like the new 'normal'. I just feel like I've had enough.
    I try and find one thing to look forward to...to keep me alive. Right now it's that I want to see the Super Bowl at a friend's house, as stupid as that sounds.
    So, I guess I'll be alive until at least Sunday...
     
  9. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    I'm right with yuo magical.

    I have failed my x, my 3 girls, myself, my mom, brother, but I don't care anymore. I guess people would say that my attitude sucks but I have no ambition to try. I donate plasma now for money, don't want to work another job that i'll lose anyway. I have had well over 50 jobs in my life, can't bear to fill out another application. I hope the Saints win. Can't stand living in a world driven by fear and consumption. Please stay with me brother.
     
  10. Michael Ayin

    Michael Ayin Well-Known Member

    "Can't stand living in a world driven by fear and consumption . . ."

    I was thinking about that the last few weeks myself. I won't go on and on about our societal condition, but that's what part of it narrows to at the core. No kidding, it's like a hellbent race to work us to death while others prosper at the working class's expense. Quite frankly, it angers me because I have also struggled in my 20s for shitty jobs and even a first degree meant nothing in the amalgam.

    I'm in my 30s, and I did actually hold a job for nine years. It was difficult at first, but I learned to actually love it, and at the worst possible time everyone got laid off. Within the period I almost lost a close loved one twice, and while I did get job offers it was nothing I could live on without either taking a bus or starving. I went back to Michigan where I used to live, and my depression has gotten worse and hasn't abated. If it turns out to be a blessing in disguise, I will be shocked.

    Like so many here, I'm tired of constant struggle. A life challenge is one thing, but living with incessant turmoil---both within and without---is enough to make you wonder if it ever gets any better. I stopped asking that question.

    In all honesty, I think I could live my suicidal thoughts if I didn't have to worry constantly about whether or not I was going to survive in the next few years. I've remarked several times (to a friend) that if I had a cold million dollars after taxes, I'd get a small shack in a beautiful area and just hole up for a while to try to sort out things emotionally even with my pain. But that will never happen.

    As screwy as this sounds, it's kind of a matter of pride that I would not live out until a ripe old age---I'm tired of living on the whims of ever-changing cultural conditions, and not finding a career that I would hate myself for failing. I don't want to be exploited any more in this life, yet it seems to be the case no matter what I do. I'm still in my 30s, and yet have lost several friends and family during this period and managed to forge through. And yet, at this point, I am at my lowest in seven years. If I had some source of stability in life despite the chaos, I might see if I could make it. Now I don't know if I want to.
     
  11. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    I feel the same Michael. Just gimme something I can live off of, and I could sort out my demons. Actually I find myself not caring. I say to myself ("Fuck Everybody"). We are not meant to wake-up day in day out and go to work. Hunter gatherers I think have it made. I fantasize about moving to Australia and living with the Aborigines living off the land and truly caring about your fellow man. I do not want to be somebody's economic slave anymore. Maybe I should try to find a commune. What really pisses me off is everyone I use to know (family) doesn't see it like the way I do. They use to tell me to "get on with it". So if I decide to take my life, they will talk crap about me till they find something else to devour. Like I said before (Fuck Everybody).
     
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