Fighting myself in my mind. :(

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~CazzaAngel~, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I just want to scream right now. I am so confused about everything now... I don't know what will happen to be honest, and I'm probably insane and make no sense.

    Inside my mind, everything is locked up and locked away. I've been fighting with myself about things, something in me tells me I need to put my wall completely up again and shut everyone out, stop talking to people, in person or on the phone, stop going online, I'd say stop going out of my apartment but almost always the only times I leave is to check my mail, pay bills, get groceries and cigarettes. I am slowly pushing people away, again, but this time it's bad, not only do I want to hide again and cut everyone out because this will be better for everyone but while I'm fighting back and forth in my head on what to do, I can't say what's going on in my head or how I feel.. I feel like just screaming "help me?!!", but I can't, and no-one can help..

    I get so mad at myself and I feel so hopeless and helpless, like no-one or nothing can help me now or ever. I get mad at myself but also I get mad at the fact that all the things that happened to me in my childhood and adult life as well. The fact that people broke me, I never had a decent life, childhood, and I had things stolen from my self, I'll never have a normal life, I'll never have a decent relationship because things were taken from me, and that's not fair to Liam either, none of this is fair to him, I need to set him free before I ruin his life.

    I am so angry, I even blame myself for the childhood abuse, thinking that I should have fought, I should have tried harder to make all he did to me throughout my childhood stop. I was scared of him, and no-one cared enough to help me, not even my mother, she could have cared less. I got so angry at myself the other night that I kept punching a brick wall and probably broke a bone or two in my hand.

    I should be gone. I'm fading away...

    :dry: :cry:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2008
  2. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    what happened to you wasnt your fault caz. :hug: they were abusers that hurt you and made you how you are now. wasnt your fault. it was theirs. they hurt you, it wasnt your fault. im always here for you and you know that hun. please be safe and dnt close yourself off from the world, i did for years and look where its gotten me.
    liam loves you and you know that. hes there for you as best as youll let him. i know there are things that we all have hidden and buried inside that we cant share, but please dont lock yourself up and hide like youre trying to do.

    :hug:
     
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    :hug: caz

    what jay said! This shit was not your fault. You did nothing to cause it at all. I'm sorry you are so down right now. I hope that things get better soon and you do NOT need to fade away

    Kellz
     
  4. life~death

    life~death Well-Known Member

    please babe, no cutting people off and no setting me free, you wont ruin my life, you're making it better, please believe me :hug: you know I'm always if you need to talk babe but i know theres stuff you cant talk to me about :sad:
    please remember that I'm always here for you :hug: and that ill always love you, no matter what :cheekkiss