I can't figure out what I'm still doing on this Earth. Why haven't I just gone through with it? I can't look at myself from any point of view and find someone worth saving. As a naturalist, I know I'm defective, morally bankrupt and a burden on those around me. Through the eyes of society I'm a weight, something that pulls down on people who work hard for a living. That's why I've never been to a mental hospital; neither my parents, the government nor anyone else should have to pay to keep me alive. And even if they did, for what? What would they be saving anyway? I don't look at my life and see a good person buried under their disease or mistakes, I've always been this way. This 'disease' is all that I am, without it I wouldn't even be myself anymore, that's how pervasive it is in every waking moment of my life. No one, no sane, rational human being that knows anything about me could declare me a good person. I persistently mock, antagonize, attack and destroy people's lives because it makes me hate myself even more and my selfish desire to hate myself and be hated takes priority over the happiness of those I care about. I was a failure all throughout high school because I couldn't cope with what was happening to me. I disappointed my parents and made them feel ashamed. They think I'm a lazy, good for nothing waste of human potential. I blew the money they spent on college by failing out of nearly every class and eventually just dropping out without a word. I'm no longer capable of keeping a job. I never leave my house. All my friends are gone, most of them jumped ship my freshman year of high school and the rest just didn't care about me enough to stay in touch. I'm an afterthought to the world, a shadow of a person and an unpleasant one at that. I'm dangerous to myself and others, I'm not going to get help and no, I don't know why. I don't feel capable of getting help on my own and if anyone tried to help me, despite the fact that I know deep down they're sincere, I would be insulted and insult them. I want to die, I don't want to get better. I can't reconcile my rational mind with my irrational thoughts and actions, my life has been spent fighting self-destructive instincts and feelings that I just can't understand. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of making others thanklessly fight for me and I'm tired of hurting other people for no discernible reason. I don't expect to see any new advice or comments follow this that I haven't seen before and I don't know what I'm going to do in the end. There is always the likely chance I won't be able to die because I still want to live so I can make myself and those around me suffer more, but I sincerely hope not. I don't want to be this person anymore. After writing this I expect there are probably a number of contradictions in what I'm saying, but that's exactly my point, I am fighting between what I think, what other things I think, what I do, and how I feel when I do it and as much as I try to rationalize it, the effort is futile and maddening. Enough of this rant though, I haven't slept in a week, and I'm done. Let's see if I can finally rid myself and the world of not-me who is me.