Fighting the Urges

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by hopeless, Nov 1, 2008.

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  1. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    I have not cut in about 2 months. I so want to cut. My arms and legs are screaming out "cut me". I am trying to keep my mind off of it but it is difficult. I don't know what else to do.
     
  2. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    i guess no one cares i guess i'll just get out the razor blade.
     
  3. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    It's not that no one cares, it's more that no one knows what you are feeling and don't know what to say to you.

    I myself have cut twice tonight and I know it will probably be more before I finally turn in.

    You've resisted for a longer period and if you feel that that is an accomplishment (which it is), then make sure to focus on that and make it longer.

    I don't know what has made you cut or what may make you cut in the future, but be proud in yourself for stopping and try to keep that going.

    In a world that can be total shit, the fact that you can control yourself and your urges can give you amazing strength to deal with all else.
     
  4. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    i didn't do it. i just went to bed. i'm up again now but so is my mother-in-law so i should be safe.

    thanks for your encouragement.
     
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I'm glad that you were able to look after yourself and not hurt yourself. Did anything happen to trigger these thoughts? We're here if you want to talk some more.. i care x
     
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    It's not that no one cares hun. You posted your message in the middle of the night and many people were sleeping. Please try hard to resist the urges to cut. Maybe substitute cutting with something else? :hug:
     
  7. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    Sometimes i cut just because i'm so mad at myself i could kill myself so i have to do something destructive. other times i cut because i want to see my blood. most of the time i cut because i'm just really depressed and it seems like the only thing that can snap me out of it and bring me back to reality.

    when i feel like this i do good to get out of bed or take care of my daughter (luckily i have a lot of help with her). so the list of alternatives really don't work for me all that much. when it's not really bad like it is now i can distract myself but that only works so long. it's like delaying the inevitable. sometimes i can even go 2 weeks distracting myself and fighting the urges but it always ends up the same. i either attempt suicide once again or i cut, burn, etc. just anything to get some relief.

    people don't understand. they call me selfish and how lucky i am to have such a wonderful daughter and that should be enough to keep me but it's not. i don't think anything is enough to keep me from it when i've been fighting it for a long time.

    i did find one alternative to cutting, although it is still self-injury, i have used lancets, you know the kind your grandma uses to test her blood sugar. it leaves hardly any marks and they go away quickly. it gives me the sensation of pain to snap me out of it and i get to see the blood without making scars. unfortunately i don't have any of those so i'm thinking of using a push pin. it will probably bruise more than the lancet but it is better than using my razor blade.
     
  8. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    Please don't use it that way. Not cool.
     
  9. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry if i upset you. we think strangely when we are not well. i just meant that if no one would talk to me then i might as well do what i didn't want to do and that is cut
     
  10. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    It just seems to me like we're hurting ourselves by doing this enough as it is. We hurt the ones who care about it nearly as much by doing this, too. If we begin to justify our self-abuse by making it into a consequence suffered by those around us, we may wake up one day and realize the support is gone.

    I'm sorry you're having a difficult time fighting the urge. I go through the same thing every single day. Just know that even if you have no one in your life you can turn to right now, the people on SF do care and want to be there for you.
     
  11. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    you see i don't have anyone to turn to that is the problem. those that did help me are just tired of hearing me talk about this anymore. they don't care anymore so why should i.

    the one person that does care i can't get a hold of because she had major back surgery and is under sedation through her pain pills.

    i'm just left to fight it on my own. i know that if i don't do something quickly i will overdose. and before you say it, no! i won't go to the hospital. it does me no good. besides all they want to do is stop you from killing yourself and after over 20 years of this i don't want to have to live with it anymore even if it means i have to kill myself because nothing else wants to work
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2008
  12. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    well i scared someone else away too. so what if i'm planning for my funeral and i'm working on getting an advanced directive. even if i don't succeed then at least i'll have them if they are needed in the future.

    i'm just tired of going through the same old things over and over.

    change meds, change doctors, change therapists

    i just wish i could stop traveling and stay in one place

    maybe then i can get stable and stay alive

    of course i've been in one place for about 4 months now and it still isn't helping
     
  13. HexenBexen

    HexenBexen Well-Known Member

    I hope you can find some peace, even if it's only for a while. Cuts, burns, etc will heal but suicide will rob you of the good stuff while freeing you from the bad. At least that's how I try to look at things. Life sucks, it's hard and painful as hell but am I willing to say goodbye to the little pleasures?

    I'm not trying to make this about me, just hoping to lend some perspective.
     
  14. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    thanks for your concern. i'm doing a little better today. no cuts and no suicide plan in place as of right now.

    i hope that one day i can find a way to deal with everything. it sure would help reduce my stress. first i have to learn new coping skills and put them to use before i get really bad. that's the hard part. it's easy to say i'm okay and fool yourself. then when it starts getting worse and worse i can't cope and i turn to cutting and suicide.
     
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