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Fighting with my friend.........think I should just move on

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ferret, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I'm having some issues with a friend right now. This is a long story but I'll try to make it as short as possible.

    We've known each other for about 10 years now. We met in 2004, and at the time I was attending university in Germany. I would see her every now and then at the bus stop, but I was incredibly shy and didn't talk to her once until the night before I left to fly back to Canada. We did keep in touch through email, and after a while we took a special likeness to each other. I was in college at the time and couldn't commit to anything, such as traveling to her country to see her, and neither did we really talk about how we were going to keep things together. I did however attempted to save as much as I good to make plans to see her after I graduated, or maybe fly her to Canada to stay with me for a while. At the time she wasn't very confident at speaking English, though she knew it well, she never really told me or tried to speak it with me. About a year after we met she told me that she had met someone, and that they were staying at a hotel with his parents. I thought to myself, where the hell did that come from, and after that things started going a little downhill. I thought she still had feelings for me so I began texting her on her phone. Eventually her boyfriend found out and they got in a fight, which she then told me to stop texting. I was pretty crushed, so I stopped writing her. The next few years kept going downhill for me. I slid into severe depression, not because of this incident, but I suppose this was a part of it, being rejected by others. I lost contact with her for a few years, but I did add her to facebook though I kept my distance from her. She got married to this same guy during my depression period, and they had a kid a couple of years later. I felt completely oblivious to this, as I knew things were over with her anyway, but in the back of my mind I still loved her, though I didn't think about it.

    Fast forward to 2013. I just completed a 9 country 13 city backpacking trip across Europe. During my journeys I visited her at her home in Croatia. We had discussed this a few weeks earlier, and had made plans to meet and possibly do stuff together. At first she was really excited and surprised that I was coming to visit her after all those years, and talked about all the time we should spend together. But then reality set in and she knew she couldn't commit to much of anything, only meeting for a few hours. I was fine with that, as I knew what the situation was. I stayed in the town sightseeing all day, waiting for to meet her as she said she wasn't available until late in the evening.

    We met at a restaurant in the center of the town. At first we couldn't find each other. She tried texting me but she didn't know how to with my number, as it was international and there's a special way to do it. I looked for her and eventually found her at the corner of a restaurant. She didn't seem overly happy to see me. She hugged me and kissed me on both cheeks (as customary in Europe) and we sat down at a table on the upstairs terrace of a restaurant. She now speaks near perfect English, compensating the words that she doesn't know with a bit of German which I mostly understand. My backpacking friend was there with me so we just talked about random things. She didn't really ask me much about my life or what I was doing all those years. I found that a little strange, but we weren't on the same level of affection as we shared in that year. She stayed out with me really late, almost until 3AM, which at that time I had to leave too to get enough sleep to board a bus a few hours later. I took some pictures of us together and said goodbye for who knows how long. The next day I endured a long bus trip to Venice Italy. I texted her and thanked her for taking the time to see me while I was there, but my emotions were run high at that point so I started asking her questions about us, about why we weren't together, and how come she didn't tell me she was seeing someone. At that point she thought we were able to close that chapter in our lives, but in thinking about everything I became a little down as I realized she didn't love me anymore and that our friendship was strained. She was the love of my life and I couldn't imaging being with anyone else in life but her. I started blaming myself for not making the effort to visit her and try to keep the relationship going. I spilled out all my emotions to her, texting her a lot to a point where she was responding to all my replies, even when she was at work, with her child, and her husband. Initially she asked me to call her on Skype sometimes, and that she would really like it if I did, to a point where she told me to not call her at all, because it wouldn't be fair to her husband who she is with every evening. I took that as a big rejection, and told her that I was very hurt and that I didn't think she would be the woman who would ever do that to me. She found this insulting, and a fight ensued, which presently she is ignoring me. Every time I try to write, to even say hi or how she's doing, she lashes back with insults to me.

    There you have it. Every day I'm thinking about her, but I feel like I should really end things between us. Even if we were still talking, it would never be the same as it once was. I always thought she was so wonderful and that she understood me on every level, but now the frequent insults is making me think differently about her. I'm not sure what to do. I'm 29 and I feel so alone in the world. I've never been in a long term relationship, and the thoughts of ever being in one seem pretty grim to me. Then I think about her, and the family she has, and that I don't mean anything to her anymore. What hurts most of all, is the fact that she gave up on me when I had big plans made. I feel like removing all traces of her from my life. I kept all the email she has ever written to me, but in looking at those now they only add to the hurt.

    Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion and making a bigger deal about it than it actually is, I dunno. What I do know is that after all those years I'm still alone and all my dreams are shattered because of constant rejection.
  2. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Someone who would treat you that way after all this time isn't worth wasting your effort on, if I'm being perfectly honest. Life is like that, over time relationships change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Trust me, from plenty of experience, dwelling on it isn't healthy or helpful to you. You've made as much effort as you could be expected to, to keep at least a friendship between you. After all that they treated you badly, as though you are only an afterthought in their life, so you don't owe them anything.

    I'm certainly far from the best person to give this sort of advice, but my personal opinion is don't be too quick to get rid of everything permanently. Separate it out, move the e-mails in to their own folder away from everything else. Don't look through them or dwell on them, don't give them any thought if you can at all help it, and wait. I did the same from my first real relationship, and now years on I regret it. Time gives perspective, and while it might feel good right now to purge it all, you might regret it too. My 'current' break-up I've consciously decided to do things differently, and while it's absolutely destroying me inside right now, if I do survive it, I think in the long term I will feel better about that decision. And the reason that it's the same is because in your heart, it is a break-up, even though it came so many years after things were good between you, it's the idea of permanently accepting that those feelings wont be reciprocated, and trying to come to terms with that which I think makes it one. And I'd also suggest not to initiate any more conversations... at this point it will only make things worse for both of you. If you are going to decide not to talk to her any more, do it on your own terms, instead of letting it be because of another conversation that goes wrong. If in time she wants to talk to you and apologise, then at that point you have to decide if you can handle keeping a friendship with her, or if it will hurt you to do so with someone you felt more for. If you can't, there is no shame in that. Unreciprocated feelings are so hard to deal with...

    I'm in the same boat as you right now, feeling alone in the world, struggling to find something to hold on to. The only thing worse than being lonely I think is reaching out to someone and being rejected. It takes time to get over feeling that way, and even longer to deal with that fear of further rejection. But if you don't reach out, then there's never a chance of not being rejected either... I wish I had a solution, I guess more than anything I just wanted to say that I understand it, and that you're not alone in having to deal with these struggles in life.
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I can appreciate how hard it is to build and maintain friendships or more, particularly over a period of time. Not experienced in the international scene, but I do have a query as to why you'd actually arrange to meet up with someone who did that to you all that time ago. The chances are you were setting yourself up for falling in love with them again, while they may be still married (You haven't given any indication that they aren't).

    From personal experience - when people hurt me, I tend to keep them at arms length or further - rather than allowing myself that risk (basically, say hi, how are you, and leave it at that). Over time, all the people I once called friends, I have very minimal contact with any of them - and that's only if I pass by them in the street/town - because people lose connection.

    Friendships are very similar to relationships - in that it takes both people to put the effort in. Sounds like the girl in question (due to her then boyfriend, now husband, perhaps), didn't want to truly be associated with you in either sense - she'd have put a lot more effort in over the 9 years rather than waiting for you to approach.

    You have to take some accountability for wanting to ask her questions about "you as a possible couple" though - you knew it was over a long time back, yet you still chose to do it - what were you truly expecting to happen, where she's married and has a kid?

    Overall - as Rathis pointed out, dwelling on things isn't healthy or helpful for you - and the more you try and maintain contact with her - the longer it will take to get over.
  4. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I wasn't asking her about the possibility of being a couple, I knew that had long past. What I was very uncertain about is what happened between us, that's what I wanted to get some closure about. You're right. I had no idea that by visiting her would bring all those old feelings back and make me feel so bad about myself. Maybe I should just delete her from my facebook page, which is where she is the most. Every day I think about her. It's gotten to a point where the stress has made me physically sick, and I'm paying for it today with a cold and headaches. I feel like I should tell her I'm leaving before I do go through with cutting contact, but maybe I should just leave her alone and let life take its course.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    You have to do what's right for you then. If you feel it's too stressful then drop contact as it's not helping you help yourself - you don't have to necessarily justify it unless you feel like you should.
  6. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    It ended today. I definitely went to far with it. Anyway she blocked me from Facebook so now I'm feeling very suicidal right now. There's something wrong with me, and no one wants to be around me. I don't blame them. I'm a failure.
  7. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I've been drinking heavily now and been cutting at every minute I can do it. No one to talk to. This forums are pretty much pointless when you need immediate help.
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    When you need immediate help - it's better to seek professional in some capacity. Remember, this is peer to peer - so no-one is know to be a mental health professional for your needs.