Fighting with myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Nov 14, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm at the point where I am so frustrated with my thoughts which goes back and forth. What I mean is that one moment, I will be so grateful to be alive and then the next second I am so sad that I want to give up my life. I've been battling suicidal ideations over 25 years and I think it has gotten worse over the past few months. My ideations don't always lead to a definite plan, but I keep thinking about death and dying. I know I am seeking negative attention when I cry for help and end up in a hospital, whether I did anything or not. I confess I like the attention that I get when I attempt suicide because my life is at the mercy of the hands who try to save my life. I feel safe when I'm in a hospital and I like the support I get from the staff. It's unfortunate that I can't seem to find support and comfort here in the real world where everybody is busy dealing with their lives in a constructive way. I'm thinking of dealing with my life in a destructive way. That's the only lifestyle that I have been used to for all these years. It is a constant daily struggle asking myself if I want to kill myself now or wait for the most opportune time. Like I said, I have no plan today but I might have a plan later. I vent here in this forum a lot because I think people can understand where I'm coming from and we all discuss about the most difficult subject to talk about...suicide. I belong here and the people in this forum have kept me safe since the day I discovered this website. Without it, I would probably have attempted another one after another. I don't feel alone in my thoughts because as I read other people's postings, I find common ground and I feel relief that I'm not the only one that constantly struggle about suicidal ideations. I think if I ever do it again, there will be no more of me. I don't know if I can take that risk anymore. Well, I think I've written enough for right now. Until next time, see you all later! Bye.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand the need to feel cared for i do hun and that you feel safe in hospital where there is care and others to talk to. Is there no way the hosptial staff or your doctor can set up a program for you that will bring that care into the community. Here it is called the ACT team acute community therapy where you have a team of staff that will visit you in your home social workers nurses and activity personal The care in the community also teaches you to reach out in more postive ways for help not to end up back in hospital I am glad you can talk here without fear of judgement I do understand your fight i do and i hope you can keep yourself safe ok hugs
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Total Eclipse, I used to be on the ACT team at an MHMRA facility. I was constantly in and out of hospitals because of OD'ng and was very depressed and out of control. I was constantly being visited by my psych nurse, the psychiatrist, and others in the ACT team. It didn't work because I was still suicidal. Then I moved out of town and was no longer a member there. I missed that team but now I see a social worker who sees me at least once a week to monitor me. He makes home visits for high-risk patients and that's how I was assigned to him. He's really good and I appreciate his service. Other than this site, I can feel safe venting to him without the threat of going to the hospital every time I disclose very sensitive thoughts and emotions to him.
     
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