I'm at the point where I am so frustrated with my thoughts which goes back and forth. What I mean is that one moment, I will be so grateful to be alive and then the next second I am so sad that I want to give up my life. I've been battling suicidal ideations over 25 years and I think it has gotten worse over the past few months. My ideations don't always lead to a definite plan, but I keep thinking about death and dying. I know I am seeking negative attention when I cry for help and end up in a hospital, whether I did anything or not. I confess I like the attention that I get when I attempt suicide because my life is at the mercy of the hands who try to save my life. I feel safe when I'm in a hospital and I like the support I get from the staff. It's unfortunate that I can't seem to find support and comfort here in the real world where everybody is busy dealing with their lives in a constructive way. I'm thinking of dealing with my life in a destructive way. That's the only lifestyle that I have been used to for all these years. It is a constant daily struggle asking myself if I want to kill myself now or wait for the most opportune time. Like I said, I have no plan today but I might have a plan later. I vent here in this forum a lot because I think people can understand where I'm coming from and we all discuss about the most difficult subject to talk about...suicide. I belong here and the people in this forum have kept me safe since the day I discovered this website. Without it, I would probably have attempted another one after another. I don't feel alone in my thoughts because as I read other people's postings, I find common ground and I feel relief that I'm not the only one that constantly struggle about suicidal ideations. I think if I ever do it again, there will be no more of me. I don't know if I can take that risk anymore. Well, I think I've written enough for right now. Until next time, see you all later! Bye.