figure this out

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wbg1234, Jul 9, 2013.

  1. wbg1234

    wbg1234 Member

    K, so if someone can point me in the direction I should go advice would be good, heres my gig.

    Im 21, doing pretty well for myself, and I seem to be totally effd in the head. I'll get so mad I choke and punch myself, I've been so mad I've given myself black eyes. The most recent episode resulted in two black eyes, one of which was swelled totally shut. I deal with alot of suicidal thoughts. I have only attempted once and my ex stopped it by punching me in the mouth and <mod edit> till I cooled off. I get very worked up and stressed about everything, I have broken knuckles from punching things at work. I get in fights, I'll get drunk when I cant cope. But I had a wonderful child hood, good parents and I have a very loving girlfriend, which makes me angry because I have no reason to want to kill myself but im so stressed and I have so much pain that I cant find a reason for so I get mad for being such a wimp which makes me want to off myself even more. It kinda spirals, I mean one minute I can be fine making dinner, then something will stick to the pan so I'll very calmly walk to the bathroom and proceed to pummel myself in the gut because ill be so mad. Today was the worst day ive had in a while which is why im posting this. I have been on and off like this for may be 10 years since grade 6ish.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2013
  2. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    Welcome to SF. Im sorry to hear your going through all of this and for so long too.
    Have you spoken to anyone about this? such as your doctor of a counselor? I understand if you dont want to go to see anyone like that, but it really sounds like you need something to help with your anger.
    Do you workout? exercise is good for stress. i enjoy a good long walk, think everything out on my own and ware myself out.
    Another suggestion is to talk it out with people on here if you feel you dont want/need the doctors.
    Do you have any idea where this anger came from?
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Wbg...welcome...have you spoken to a doctor about your anger issues? Some of these sound like self harm as well? Regardless of whether or not you should feel this way, you do...maybe exploring why would be of benefit...hope you find the support you are seeking here...welcome again
  4. wbg1234

    wbg1234 Member

    No I havent ever really spoken to anyone, my girlfriend knows and having been clinically depressed and a cutter when she was younger she's very understanding. And as far as exercise goes I used to be religious about working out but things were actually worse when I was in the gym. I really dont know where these feelings come from, its day to day really. I can be down and depressed and not want to live one day and the next ill be fine and the next I'll be so angry at everything I cant even function. I don't have any good reasons, I have a really good group of friends, a good home life, I still stay in contact with my parents, everything is fine except for me.
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Why, beating the crap out of oneself to the extent you have is dangerous to your longtime health.. You could have lost vision forever recently!!!

    Like Sadeyes suggested here perhaps getting some professional mental health help might really help you.. We are not professionals here.. Just peers in a lot of the same problems!!
  6. wbg1234

    wbg1234 Member

    What kind of help? I wouldn't even know where too start, everytime I get really bad ill allways tell myself im going to try to get help but the next day ill be fine, so then I feel silly and embarrassed and pretty ashamed.
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Wbg,do you currently have a GP doctor who you have some real trust in??? If answer is yes then would say to them what you have posted here in this thread.. They might be able to help you get the help you need now..

    Having real suicidal thoughts often and fits of real extreme anger say that you really do need some professional help.. Best wishes with this..
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi welcome to sf. this is a good place to come and talk about things. So its good you are here. Sometimes very real things seem to not have a logical cause or reason. But I think they always have a cause and a logical reason. Even if its not easily discernable. Eg you had good parents etc.

    Sometimes figuring out the reason is secondary to working on the stuff that happens. Because when we work on things with the right professionals, we can release whats causing it without even having to figure out the original roots of the issue. But I do think working on it with a professional is essential to conquering it. I really want to encourage you to do that. Because that body of yours deserves better than you hitting it. Even though I understand that you dont mean to do it except in the moment. Again, sometimes we do not have to understand the origins of the behaviors to work on changing them.... with the help of a professional.