Can it seriously get better? I feel like I have no will left to fight. I live with crippling pain everyday. I am a shadow walking among people with ever diminishing interest in me. Why can't I just stop obsessing? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I function? Why should anyone care what happens to me? I am nothing special, I've been made to felt that ever since I was a small child. I've made an impossible task for myself to be extraordinary in anything I do to compensate for the pain that lingers deep inside me but how could I possibly do that when I'm so broken?... I am nothing at all. My self esteem and self worth are so fragile that anyone can walk over me. Worse still I often project the image of a strong and intelligent person to the outside which challenges or offends many people. I do not know any other way, I am miserable but can't show it. I live in a destructive relationship which makes me question my own sanity. Am I really this bitter or is it a reflection from her? I don't think I was this bitter before. I fight with all my will against this but the end-result is the same always. It just implodes on me, leaving behind a smoldering wreck. I have taken as many steps as I can to better my existence. Therapy, drugs (though I have stopped SSRI's after several bad experiences), groups (NA), exercise. I just can't open up to anyone/anything anymore. I really need some real friends but no-one can take me like this. I recently also found a lump on my cheek and they found a couple more behind me ear and on my neck at the doctors. Maybe nature will decide my fate for me? Funnily enough I'm scared as hell to die but still a part of me longs for it. Does that make any sense? Sorry for the rambling, it is a particularly vicious evening.