Filled with fear

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Mar 21, 2015.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Can it seriously get better? I feel like I have no will left to fight. I live with crippling pain everyday. I am a shadow walking among people with ever diminishing interest in me.
    Why can't I just stop obsessing? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I function? Why should anyone care what happens to me?

    I am nothing special, I've been made to felt that ever since I was a small child. I've made an impossible task for myself to be extraordinary in anything I do to compensate for the pain that lingers deep inside me but how could I possibly do that when I'm so broken?... I am nothing at all.

    My self esteem and self worth are so fragile that anyone can walk over me. Worse still I often project the image of a strong and intelligent person to the outside which challenges or offends many people. I do not know any other way, I am miserable but can't show it.

    I live in a destructive relationship which makes me question my own sanity. Am I really this bitter or is it a reflection from her? I don't think I was this bitter before. I fight with all my will against this but the end-result is the same always. It just implodes on me, leaving behind a smoldering wreck.

    I have taken as many steps as I can to better my existence. Therapy, drugs (though I have stopped SSRI's after several bad experiences), groups (NA), exercise. I just can't open up to anyone/anything anymore. I really need some real friends but no-one can take me like this.

    I recently also found a lump on my cheek and they found a couple more behind me ear and on my neck at the doctors. Maybe nature will decide my fate for me?

    Funnily enough I'm scared as hell to die but still a part of me longs for it. Does that make any sense?

    Sorry for the rambling, it is a particularly vicious evening.
  2. Everymedhasfailed

    Everymedhasfailed Active Member

    Hey EA,

    Do not get ahead of yourself... Everyone is wierd and different and that is what makes them special in their own way... The fact that you obsess and self evaluate is just proof that you hold yourself in higher regard than you do other people... You have standards (which may or may not be too high) which is something you should be proud of! If you doubt this... then the next time you do obsess, ask what you are obsessing over? Because you didn't do something to the best of your percieved ability? Because you think you should be better as a person? (these are musings not leading rhetoricals). I get the lack of feeling extraordinary, if you feel you could be better, but everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes... WHen yyou say you live in a destructive relationship are you comfortable elaborating here knowing that people will understand and not judge (or pm me)...?
    I know how frustrating it is to have the help offered to you and it fail... I had the same troubles with both ssri's and snri's but tricyclics have really helped me (nortryptaline being my current med (but I do still have bad days when my moods are triggered))...
    As for the lumps, I would not worry, go see your family doctor or GP and they will be able to tell you what is going on! It is most likely a reaction to a minor infection as opposed to something pathologic (serious)...

    The fear of dying but longing for it makes complete sense to me, as does the confusion surrounding it, just know there are people here who both understand and are willing to offer you support without judging. Because as I say, everyone is wierd, but that is what makes everyone special! (Dont worry your post was not a ramble... it made sense to me at least!)
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply!
    I forgot to mention that I also have a problem with substance abuse (alcohol) and after being sober for 2 months I cracked today and went out and got some beer. I feel horrible about it by the way. I live in a co-dependent relationship which goes both ways. She is angry, bitter, controlling and extremely jealous and I'm a pushover who runs around trying to comfort her. I am not without faults though as last summer I cheated on her. It was a stupid thing to do but I was a mess and logic and reasoning was far out the window.

    A bit of background: Earlier last summer I had made the decision I want to end things because it's so destructive but she threatened with suicide and I gave in and continued. After a while of not getting any better I proclaimed to her it's over and went out drinking and ended up at another girl. I told her about it the next day and she went completely crazy (had to call the emergency line 3 times that night) I don't know what to do. I did love her (I think I still do) but I can't handle all the violence and bitterness. I tried my best to fix what I had done but it never felt that she even tried to meet me in the middle. It's not like she didn't do anything wrong (like threatening to kill me and everyone I know).

    I have found myself thinking about my ex a lot lately. I was with her almost 10 years but now I can't keep much contact because of the jealousy. She was my first love and I haven't really recovered from that (almost 4 years ago now).

    Nothing just makes any sense anymore. I should be fighting for my life but I have no passion left to do anything. My days are now just whittling away crippled by dark thoughts and feelings.
  4. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I gotta say, it really sounds like the best thing you could do would be to get out of that relationship. Easier said than done, yes, I know but it seems you know it yourself already. Using threats of suicide as emotional blackmail really is not an okay thing to do to someone. Threatening to kill them goes way beyond the pale. Yes, we all get angry and say stupid things we don't mean sometimes, but it's still not okay. Cheating definitely wasn't a cool thing to do but unfortunately that's what happens when two people are tearing each other apart like you guys are. Right now it sounds like you want to leave but are afraid to do so, because of what she might do. I really hate to say this, but for your own safety and hers, you might have to say good bye and be prepared to call the authorities when you do so. She might benefit from some time in the hospital.

    it is no wonder you feel "crippled by dark thoughts and feelings". You're living a nightmare. The kind of disharmony you describe can suck the living life out of a person. I know - I spent 27 miserable years with a verbally abusive, controlling man and finally had to bolt before someone got hurt. Strangely enough, my ex did go into therapy after I left and really straightened himself out. Turns out I did him a great favor by leaving - he's now very happily married and living a pretty wonderful life. And we get along now better than we ever did back then.

    I really wish you the best.
  5. Repeat36

    Repeat36 Member

    Do you remember pain from before you were born? Do you remember the torment from before you came into this world? Sometimes pain is tolerable until it is touched, a tender bruise jostled. So it is with the pain of this life; it is brought about by this mortal coil. "It is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death", wrote Epictetus. Stop fearing. Stop dreading. The pain will go away and you will be freed
  6. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your thoughts. You are right about me being afraid, not just what will happen if I leave her but also being alone scares me. I also do have feelings for her which complicates things further. I'm just so closed up by fear and depression I can't seem to do anything or make any decisions. I tried to suggest that we move to our own places but continue dating, hoping it would take the edge of the animosity at home (and if it didn't I would be in an easier place to end it). Didn't go so well, I got overpowered and now we have the contracts for another year in this place lying on the table.

    I hate myself for being so paralyzed, slowly digging my own grave. Yet I still can't change my behaviour. These feelings are getting so strong that I've started to suspect that others also despise me. They probably don't but the fear and anxiety have me by the leash.
  7. Everymedhasfailed

    Everymedhasfailed Active Member

    I am so glad that you are reaching out! And as ChestnutMay says, it does not sound like a healthy relationship...
    These words are logical and make alot of sense. The reason to be with someone is that you both love and care for each other, and threats like that used as blackmail are not something that I, personally, would characterise as being these things. With that said you need to give yourself a break, everyone screws up from time to time, especially in times of distress... And you need to apply the same logic to her threats also. The fear of losing you and your relationship must have been a devastating thought to her!

    With regards to the alcohol use, again give yourself a break. As long as you do not reform a habit, and let it take a hold of you, it may help you to unwind every once in a while... But as I say do not form a habit or let it take a hold!

    It is perfectly natural to compare where you are now, and the relationship you have now, to a better time in your past. But I do not think (and feel free to disagree as many will!)that restarting the relationship with your ex will be good for you. You would not be progressing in your life. The way forward would be to give yourself a couple of months to heal after the end of your current relationship (whenever you feel it has come to its natural end point) and go out and find someone who is similar in ways to your ex. The character and personality of her is something you will find again, but being a new relationship it will be exciting, wonderful and also a progression as opposed to a step back in your own life.

    I hope what I have said makes sense, and know that if you need to talk, I am now on here most days... It is an incredible forum filled with supportive people who understand without judging!.

    Take it easy brother!
  8. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to give myself a break with it but the guilt creeps up on me. More than the guilt though is the intense anxiety it causes me. I'm going to go to rehab for an interval next week and NA (also seeing my therapist at the end of the week).
    Just have to continue the struggle to become completely clean and hope that this teaches me something. I can't really have 'a few beers once in a while', I don't usually drink several days but the amount I pour into myself in one evening can be downright dangerous.
    I agree with you, I should have been more specific in my post. I don't actually want to start up that relationship again. The adversities now have just made me look back with nostalgia to those times. She is still very dear to me and we separated as good friends even though it was so hard for me. I do wish though that I could maintain that friendship, it feels bad to block out almost 10 extremely important years from my life. Before I started seeing my girlfriend now we used to speak quite often on the phone and share stories and such. I could talk about anything with her (even about girls I was interested in), I quite liked how things were setup. We even straightened out things that were left hanging when we separated.

    Right now I'm not too sure if it's a good idea to be in a relationship at all, I should get myself fixed first. I'm also afraid I would take lingering bitterness with me if I ended now and just jumped into a new relationship. Lastly I'm pretty sure I'm not the most attractive prospect right now either :D

    Thank you for the inspiring words :)
  9. Everymedhasfailed

    Everymedhasfailed Active Member

    It seems as though you have a great friend in her, and if you can, try to re-establish the friendship so that you both have a positive network of support... You shouldn't feel guilty for having good friends!

    I totally get you about getting yourself right before you are ready for a relationship... I have been single for 6 years now because I realised you cannot make 2 without two whole 1's...

    If you ever need to chat, I will help as best I can. You are doing well and just keep reassuring yourself of that fact. Happiness is the journey, not the destination.
  10. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I know what you mean about being scared to be alone. I was scared to be alone, too, but found it was better than fighting all day long. It is hard, though - I'm definitely lonely.

    Having those contracts on the table for another year must be bringing things to a head. Your idea of living apart seems reasonable to me, especially since you still have feelings for her. Is she getting any help at all with her issues?

    Know well the self hatred of being paralyzed. I definitely empathize. It's so easy to read all the advice, which is all very good, but then you have to actually force yourself to make the first step and....nothing. Like having no juice in the batteries.

    I'm glad you're writing here. The responses you're getting are great.
  11. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thank you :)
    I should have been more adamant about us living apart I have been so powerless. I have duties to perform but everything is piling up. I will probably have to give up school after 4 years getting nowhere. I'm going to be living with close to no money (not even enough to pay the rent) as she's starting work next month which will take away my financial aid from social welfare. I'm not too thrilled about the idea of having to live under her wing, then she will completely own me I fear. I have some opportunities to maybe make some new contacts now that I go to NA but my anxiety and bleak outlook is making it really hard. The masses in my cheek/throat/ear is also causing a great deal of distress.

    Somehow I should muster up the hope to believe in tomorrow and the strength to perform. Today is especially bad as I caved in and drank and the hangover is pure hell. Luckily I got some small relief from the beta blockers I was prescribed, helps a bit with the worst physical symptoms.

    I'm really happy about the responses I've gotten here, it makes it all a bit more bearable. Thank you :)
  12. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    There is a LOT going on in your life right now. You're facing major life changes and have some tough decisions to make. Being overwhelmed leads to paralysis, at least with me. It seems to be one of those dysfunctional coping mechanisms the human psyche loves to dish out. I see it all over this site, plus I myself can barely function. I really empathize with how you feel immobilized and hope you can figure out ways to break through, even a bit. You really do have a lot of company with this.

    The prospect of giving up school after 4 years must be terribly discouraging. Education is vitally important and worth hanging on to, if you can.

    Not sure it is a very good idea for you to be financially dependent on your girlfriend based on some of the things you've written. This will put you in a very vulnerable position with respect to someone who doesn't sound very stable. Also, if you lose your financial support, how easy is it to get it reinstated if you do decide to leave?

    There is nothing like having other medical issues on top of depression. Those masses sound very troubling. I hope you're getting treatment for them - at least getting them removed so you're not in so much discomfort.

    Glad to hear you're in NA. If you've found a good meeting, it can be a real lifesaver.
  13. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    It's now the day after my hangover day and still feel miserable. I had a heated discussion with the missus and we agreed to move our own places. I'm not too sure though it will be this easy, waiting for her to get home soon and start things up. She has a tendency to do that (she was visibly angry). I can feel the dark thoughts and fears worsen by this, if only things could be dealt with it in a civil way. I feel so frozen now I can barely function.

    I did get some good news today though, my boss from last year called and wanted me for work this summer. As soon as I can, that felt good to be wanted :). Now I'm just fearing I won't be in shape to work. It is easy for me though as I have 5 years experience in it and I'm good at it, much easier than dealing with deadlines and projects at school.

    I'm getting my lumps checked at the end of this month so I can only wait and try to not think about them too much. Tomorrow I go back to rehab for a few days so at least I won't have to deal with my angry spouse. I just worry she will be pissed off enough to break stuff at home. That won't probably happen but she has done some pretty crappy things in the past when she's mad.

    Thank you all so much for the support!
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