Filled with Uncertainty

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Donna, Aug 28, 2009.

  1. Donna

    Donna Member

    You know there are so many forums it was difficult for me to pick one to post in. My first posts were by default in the “Welcome” forum, and I was unprepared for the subtle but significant support that I received, and to everyone who even bothered to read my post thank you. And for those of you who took the time to reply to me, you will never know how much those few kind words meant to me.
    I have always had doubts about my sexuality, I would have to classify myself as bi-sexuality with a very strong leaning in the lesbian end of the spectrum, I had been dating a woman for over a year, we basically broke up today, this is the third time this has happened but I don’t see us getting back together again. She is a basically good person, and I’m not going to say anything bad about her. We have a fundamental problem with communication, and it’s only on one issue but one we can’t seem to get past, and to be honest while I do love her I have never seen her as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I do believe I could live and grow old completely happy living with another woman, this of course assumes it’s the right woman. I live at home and at age 20 follow my parents set of rules, well more of guidelines, and I don’t have a problem with this. Gina (my ex) used to fight with her parents all the time and just doesn’t get why I, especially at my age, would even conceder generally going along with my parents set of rules.
    Gina fails to see how understanding my parents really are, especially about my sexuality, I have dated both men and women, but the only relationships that lasted for more than a month were with women. But my first sexual experience was with an older man. My dad seriously dislikes me dating women, but when he heard about Gina and I breaking up yet again, he took me into his arms, giving me a hug that showed he understood my pain. And I know going forward he will not try to steer me to even consider dating a man. My mom is more supportive but I know she would prefer me to live a more traditional lifestyle, but it is clear her overwhelming concern is seeing me happy.
    And they are not especially strict, but they do like to keep tabs on me, where I’m going and what I’m doing. I understand my parent’s concern, I have emotional issues, attempted suicide twice (more about that later) and done other things that clearly show a tendency for unstable behavior.
    What Gina can’t understand is that I’m gratefully for my parents “interference” (her word not mine) in my life. Without some sort of structure I am nearly certain I would quickly spiral into emotional instability. Gina feels (and maybe she is correct) real progress forward can’t be made without taking some risks.
    My view of things is that I do take risks, though they are very small, gradual ones.
    So no use putting it off any longer, at age 14 my parents were gone for the evening, I stole my mom’s car and rammed it into a large tree at a nearby park. Seems some jerk invented “air bags” to make things like what I was trying to do more difficult. I ended up with a broken nose, a cut on my forehead, and a dislocated shoulder.
    At 17 I took an overdose of pills, I took what I thought would be enough to kill at least three people, but I’m still here. I have mixed feelings about my failure, but I do regret the method I used. If I had it to do over again, I would have take a razor blade and slashed my wrists. I hate meeting people and having them assume that I’m basically normal, bold, clearly visible scars on my wrists would quickly let people know that they were dealing with someone with some serious issues.
    This would make some people shy away from me, and those are people I don’t want to have in my life. For others they would see someone who has issues, but wouldn’t let that fact push them away.
    Don’t worry I’m not about to make another attempt on my life just to make some sort of visible statement to the world. But maybe my reluctance to leave the safety of my home and face the real world. I go to college part time, I work part time, I try to push myself just to the edge of my comfort level, it the hope that by gently pushing on the borders my comfort zone will grow, I know my approach will take time, likely years. I do know that the end of my relationship with Gina makes me much more vulnerable to giving into feelings I have been trying to suppress, or end up in a truly dysfunctional or abusive relationship.
    So it hasn’t been the best day, rapidly shifting emotions, depression, fear, loneliness, abandonment, anger and far too many tears.
    Please feel free to make comments, recommendations, advice, I could use it all.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i am sorry you are having sucha rough time I understand your sexual identity confusion as my daughter is 20 and is going through same issues. She has dated several guys has be sexual abused by them so now says she only wants to date females. I really don't care as her mother what she chooses as well just want her happy I am glad you see your parents as supportive and not to over powering but soon you will have to try to live a life for yourself when your ready. I dont' care if my daughter ever leaves my house but do want her to be independant of me. Just want you to know i think your relationship with your parents is great and how much you appreciate them. Take care thanks for sharing your thoughts with us
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I sent you a PM. I hope you come back here

  4. Donna

    Donna Member

    I sent you a PM as well, but my outbox shows that I haven't sent anything. Also I haven't received anything from, you except for two short hellos. I hope it is just a lag it in the system.
  5. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing... It doesnt seem like ur uncertain about anything in ur life, it seems to me that u know exactly what u want and how far ur willing to push yourself to get it....just an observation
  6. Donna

    Donna Member

    Well Zombie due to your kind words I will put down my chainsaw for now.

    There are a lot of things I’m uncertain about right at the top of the list is do I want to live or not?

    Why do we as a society look at bringing a new life into the world as something good and wonderful. Well nobody asked me if I wanted to be forced into existence.

    And if I chose to end my existence (one I never wanted in the first place) why is that considered selfish?

    I’m a bit uncertain about my sexuality, I had been dating a woman, but have been with men in the past, at the moment I dating is the last thing I want to worry about, but I know that it is something I will be forced to deal with at some point.

    I’m uncertain if I should go to college, I have always hated school but I also understand the importance of an education, so I’m sort of splitting the difference by going to school part time.

    And I’m not uncertain how far I’m willing to push myself I already know the answer to that, and I’m willing to ram a car into a tree at over 60 mph, take a 2 months’ worth of Xanax.

    And as far as what I want, well there I’m clueless, I try to hold on to the hope that there is more to life than mere existence, if not well then I do know what I want.
  7. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    yeah i have to grow some balls and thicken up my skin... i just feel too much and the slightest judgment brings me to my nees.. idk but some time the most unoriginal things are what u said about regret... today is a weird and fucked up day for me...hope urs is better
    Cheers Steve
  8. Donna

    Donna Member

    It’s been a rough few days, I have been doing my best to move on, and overall having been doing a fairly decent job at it. I have been going to my classes, going to work, though my mom and aunt have been splitting up the chore of driving me around as needed. Seems people tend to worry a bit about having me in control of a large hunk of metal and glass when I’m considerably more depressed than usual.
    I don’t really like driving so I didn’t try to argue with them about their overreaction, it’s not like people kill themselves just because someone breaks up with them. OH wait, sometimes that is exactly what people do when they get dumped, but it wasn’t something I was going to do.

    And as far as being to sensitive about what you think others think about you, (say that three times real fast) we all worry too much about that. There are tons of people running around saying they don’t care what other people think about them, well they are all full of shit (can you say shit here?).

    We shouldn’t have to worry about what others think, but we do, just one more thing we have to deal with in life that isn’t fair. If you would allow me to once again say something obvious and totally unoriginal, we (you, me all of us) should worry more about what we think about ourselves that what others think about us.

    I know as well as anyone who will ever see this how easy those words are to say (or type in this case) and how hard they are to do.

    I can say this, I’m in a fairly bad place (emotionally speaking that is) today, but it’s better place than where I was yesterday. And with some luck tomorrow it won’t be any worse than today is, hey it might even be a bit better (hey anything is possible).