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final attempt at asking for help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by llightworker, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. llightworker

    llightworker Member

    i don't know where to start, really. which is strange because i have so much going through my mind

    past few weeks i thought i was doing ok, until i O. for the first time in months
    i thought it was changing, but i find myself here and i have come to a final decision
    i have tried it all, books, therapy, meds, talking, CBT, Counselling, hospital, meditation, natural therapies, everything, yet here i am again

    funny thing is, some think those who are suicidal are attention seeking. i know none of you here are, as many of us are in similar situations, etc. but its true, we do want help. if we didnt want help, we wouldnt be here right. this is like a final attempt at helping ourselves, when we realize that other people alone cant help us
    im blabbering again, sorry, to put this short , i have tried to get help, and i've been extending, telling myself "i am not going to do anything today" "i will get help first"

    this does scare me, its as if someone or something has taken over me and told me i am going to die, that there is no other choice,

    when i used to feel like this, i would hear that other voice that would say "no, you dont want to do that"

    but now, that voice has abandoned me, and reality has struck, that voice was me, the whole time, this is the reeality, my 'voices' are my choices , and they are right, my life sucked, it still sucks and i am good for nothing. it seems now there is only one solution
    i feel like aliens have just thrown me out of a ufo and left me here,, and i want to go home

    ive reached out to friends, ive told my family, i tried
    i have tried everything and fail
    so much, it's too much to list

    i know i should probably call for help, thats what they all say right
    but i know for a fact if i did that i would be put back into hospital tonight

    i dont want that. i dont want to go anywhere
    i dont want to talk to another doctor and be put on more meds, i dont want anything

    i know i sound selfish, ive been told im selfish already, but i do love my family. its all that goes through my head every night, i see my family and i know they would be upset, but they are upset even more so, seeing me like this

    i know, i need help. i feel like i have been possessed and i want this to go away. i wish i never heard this, felt this or lived this

    i can see what is coming, either way, whether i got help or not
    i am going back into hospital, that is whats going to happen
    and im scared....

    that place haunts me still... i just want to be free...
    if i went to the doctor in the morning, thats if i even managed to leave the house, he would section me

    my partner can see what's becoming of me, my ptsd.he sees me having flashbacks, its disturbing i know, he has to do so much for me, i know he will call them out on me
    he doesnt know what i did last week or how i am feeling right now, but its obvious,

    i feel like i have two choices, i dont think i need to mention any more than that
    but the clock is ticking,

    i cant do this any more

    please, i need some suggestions, anything, i need to control this urge.. its coming closer
    anything at all,

    apart from hotlines, doctor, 911, etc etc, anything


  2. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry your hurting and feel like there is no hope. Do whatever you have to do to get through this, but you can get through it! Cry, scream, throw things, write, let out your frustrations. I know you said you don't want to call a hotline, but that's what they're there for. I know you've. Tried therapy but have you been in a support group? Sometimes being in therapy with people who have actually been through some of the same emotions you have is better than talking to some person. Who hasn't experienced those things personally. Hang in there and don't stop hoping for change :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Put on your favorite music listen to it loudly put on a favorite comedy movie get your mind to change okay get it out of that mind set it is in. You can do that okay and yes phone crisis line you don't want to harm your partner or family so please keep yourself safe
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    And breathe...I find sometimes, I scare myself because I am going so fast I just spin and then become numb...and take in the caring...there is much here and from what you wrote, the are people IRL who are there for you...and post...let us know how you are
  5. tx915

    tx915 Active Member

    it's rough with the ptsd...

    have you tried moving around all the furniture in the house or your room to make it look different? Takes time if nothing else. Volunteering is a pretty good idea. Gets us out of ourselves if you can find a non triggering place to volunteer at.

    I listed all of my triggers one day and I avoid most of them. That took a few of the flashbacks away. Some of the flashbacks I exposed away. Like I had real problems with rope so I gradually exposed myself to the feel of it. Now I can touch rope type things in stores and not freak out.

    Some people in my ptsd support group swear by EDMR but I couldn't handle it. Speaking of which support groups. Not saying it would be any change but again it takes up some time.

    Wasting time here and there is important in the struggle to keep living. Also getting out of ourselves. The more I focus on me and how much my life has been bad and how much worse it will be the worse I feel and the worse my perception is. whats the saying nothing changes if nothing changes?

    Of course I can type that and yet sit here feeling horrible and also thinking about dying. Easier typed than done right.

    <3 You're a worthwhile person deserving of respect!
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