I was sitting here mindlessly droning over a math assignment (somehow still maintaining attendance in college) concluded I am going to do it. Even though i just started posting here, i cannot think of a better place to voice what is now on my mind, as of this new development. I have a sister. She is three years older than I am and has always looked out for me. When i was 17, she unknowingly convinced me not to kill myself just by being there when no one else was. Among all the pros and cons of death, there are only two i acknowledge as having any validity. One, being that when you die anyone who cared for you will almost assuredly be thrust into intense sadness and perhaps even contemplate his or her own existence. Two, being that no one knows for sure what is on the other side. The second point is negated by the fact that we ALL die at some point, and therefore the unknown quality of the afterlife affects all of us to the same capacity whether you commit suicide or die of natural causes. That leaves me with one. In addition to my sister, there is only one other person i care about enough in this world to consider halting this, and that is my mother. I would even go as far as to say, for a while now I have been living solely for the fact that i knew my suicide would affect them greatly. So, let me get to the heart of my issue. Death = No suffering for me (Assuming there are not flames waiting for me) but suffering for my sister and mother is definite. No Death = More Suffering (Very likely), but my mother and sister will know I am alive and around if they need me. My mother and sister are fully aware of my suffering, and they try, they do, and have cried on numerous occasion reflecting on it but as i write this right now they are downstairs laughing and joking eating dinner. I know they care but a human is only capable of so much empathy. I do not blame them for forgetting about me sometimes. As a male, someone who at least in my country's culture is supposed to be strong and present, i cannot shake the feeling that I am forsaking an immense amount of responsibility by doing this. But, what kind of man is a 20-year old mediocre student with severe social phobia and depression. Has anyone else contemplated similar things? This is likely the last place I am going to speak on this before i do it (and the first forum I have been to for this topic). I hope this isn't to hectic, I'm writing this with a mixed up mind.