Final decision

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bashik, Sep 18, 2014.

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  1. Bashik

    Bashik Member

    I was sitting here mindlessly droning over a math assignment (somehow still maintaining attendance in college) concluded I am going to do it. Even though i just started posting here, i cannot think of a better place to voice what is now on my mind, as of this new development. I have a sister. She is three years older than I am and has always looked out for me. When i was 17, she unknowingly convinced me not to kill myself just by being there when no one else was. Among all the pros and cons of death, there are only two i acknowledge as having any validity. One, being that when you die anyone who cared for you will almost assuredly be thrust into intense sadness and perhaps even contemplate his or her own existence. Two, being that no one knows for sure what is on the other side. The second point is negated by the fact that we ALL die at some point, and therefore the unknown quality of the afterlife affects all of us to the same capacity whether you commit suicide or die of natural causes. That leaves me with one. In addition to my sister, there is only one other person i care about enough in this world to consider halting this, and that is my mother. I would even go as far as to say, for a while now I have been living solely for the fact that i knew my suicide would affect them greatly. So, let me get to the heart of my issue.

    Death = No suffering for me (Assuming there are not flames waiting for me) but suffering for my sister and mother is definite.
    No Death = More Suffering (Very likely), but my mother and sister will know I am alive and around if they need me.

    My mother and sister are fully aware of my suffering, and they try, they do, and have cried on numerous occasion reflecting on it but as i write this right now they are downstairs laughing and joking eating dinner. I know they care but a human is only capable of so much empathy. I do not blame them for forgetting about me sometimes. As a male, someone who at least in my country's culture is supposed to be strong and present, i cannot shake the feeling that I am forsaking an immense amount of responsibility by doing this. But, what kind of man is a 20-year old mediocre student with severe social phobia and depression. Has anyone else contemplated similar things? This is likely the last place I am going to speak on this before i do it (and the first forum I have been to for this topic).

    I hope this isn't to hectic, I'm writing this with a mixed up mind.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Reading this, I immediately thought of my son, who locked himself away for 10 years.
    He left university in the first year and when he finally would go out it was only with me in attendance.
    18 months ago he finally agreed to help and was given therapy for his agoraphobia and social phobia.
    For the past year he has been in full time employ and is slowly building a life, still receiving, therapy but getting there.
    So please, don't give up.
    Find the help you need to get back on track.
    You have two people to lean on and help you, so please do discuss this with your mother and sister.
    There is help out there and you can move forward.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Just wondering what it is that is causing you the pain in life that you are feeling and are so sure will continue? It is, as typically is the case, a situation where you want the pain to stop and suicide is the only route you believe right now will make that happen but as pointed out above, situations can change, particularly with some guided input on how to change that....If you want the pain to stop lets talk about what problems are causing the pain and misery as opposed to only one possible solution to that? Perhaps there are ways to stop or reduce that and not simply transfer it over to others....
  4. Bashik

    Bashik Member

    I know what that is like, Terry, being locked away. It is inspiring to hear that your son was able to pursue therapy, and was successful. I have not tried specialized therapy myself. I’m aware that there are options, but my problem is I’m so tired (to put it mildly) of the daily struggle. I can barely lift a pencil, let alone get myself down to a therapist. Moreover, you should be proud of yourself as well, sticking by him the way you did. I cannot imagine got himself back out there all on his own. My mom cares, but i think she has reached her limit. Most of the time she, in fits of denial, pretends as though she’s forgotten i have social phobia and likens my unwillingness to go places to being rude. I think it is much more convenient that way for a relative/friend when confronted with the reality that someone they know or care about is dealing with mental issues. Deny it or ignore it. Unfortunately, i don't have that option since its going on inside of my head. My anxiety keeps me tired both physically and emotionally because despite its existence, i still do all the things normal people do, as oppose to some others i know with social phobia who are unemployed or stay at home collecting government benefits. Jobs, school, etc. Everything people consider easy or everyday is hell to me. It’s very trying, you know what i mean. I hate self-pity but damn I am a sorry case...
  5. Bashik

    Bashik Member

    You are very right. Suicide is not a solution (if you can even call it a solution) that i take lightly. If i had been able to motivate myself better towards at least trying cognitive behavioral therapy or exposure therapy maybe i would have found success. But at these point it seems so much more enticing to end it, than go on struggling. The thing that causes me the most pain in my anxiety, because it has done the most harm. The depression is a byproduct of not being able to experience normal human activities, without feeling like someone is gut-punching me.
  6. stapleremover

    stapleremover Chat Buddy

    I'm glad you're here and asking this question. I was recently hospitalized after two attempts (overdoses) and during my second visit to the psych ward, my 19 year old son came to visit me. We talked about a lot of things we'd never talked about, but the most interesting part of the conversation was when I told him that he would be my main motivation for trying to stay alive, he insisted that he wanted me to stay alive for myself...not for him. And I'm not even sure I understand what he meant, but I guess part of me has been curious enough about it to stay alive long enough to at least think about it. Maybe he knows something I don't know. I'm pretty stable at the moment but if you gave me a choice of being dead or alive right now, I'm not sure which I would choose. I'm hanging on. I don't really know why, but some tiny voice is telling me it's the right thing to do and I'm going to listen to it.
  7. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi Bashik, you have just pointed out your inner strength to all of us. I don't know for sure whether what you said about yourself is really self-pity. I'm only clear about this: your inner strength will help you to overcome all this. You probably need to find the right ways to improve on that inner strength and work on it till you can see things more clearly. A calm and well-rested mind will know what to do to bring forth healthy outcomes for both you and your family.

    Keep posting. We are listening.
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