Final Post

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Dec 23, 2008.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Another year is over
    and still I'm no clearer.
    The fog still remains
    I'm still held down by chains.

    We say goodbye to another year
    but still were here living with fear
    still caught up in the lies
    and still so many why's

    So many people have gone
    I guess they just moved on
    All the changes that have happened
    have left me here feeling unwanted

    The depression is still here
    flashbacks & images still appear
    the voices are getting louder
    echoin the words, I'm a failure

    We reported Jim to the police
    thinking we might find some peace
    all it done was open more memories
    reminding me that it's my fault, I had to please

    I never wanted justice for what he done
    my life was already over, if it ever really begun.
    He couldn't even allow us to heal
    to me everything still seems unreal

    I just needed someone to listen
    as I sat there in ruins
    My confusion, the pain
    feeling like I'm going insane.

    Unwanted, unloved
    wondering what it felt like to be loved
    my heart split, frozen and broken
    wishing it was time to enter heaven.

    People go, but the memeories stay
    never do they fade, or just go away
    Thoughts so dark, so destructive
    I needed a reason to continue to live.

    I told of my plans, people laughed
    sometimes nash you are so daft.
    Never taken me seriously
    just leaving me to feel angry.

    They were all keeping something from me
    talking about me, making me go crazy
    I never felt anyone believed me
    the knife they held, cut into me so deeply

    I tried to make things right
    but everything was a fight
    my energy, enthusiam all gone
    I guess its time to begone.

    Then to be told
    to just get over it..
    the words so cold
    as I received by final hit

    2009 will be my final year
    I've said it before, but maybe I wasn't clear.
    I know its never easy to say goodbye,
    this time of the year probably the worse

    I wouldn't ruin my families or friends lifes
    I will wait until the time is right.
    Christmas will be over,
    new year will be gone.

    My soul has already gone,
    my body will be too...
    soon my soul & body will be one
    as I close my eyes, and am gone.

    Until that time, I will continue to smile
    laugh, joke, pretend I'm ok.
    Paint the face, wear the mask.
    nobody needs to know, I was far from ok!
  2. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

  3. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    :cuddle2: that is a very moving post... I hope you are ok, pm me if you want a chat
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm ok for the moment, i won't kill myself today, not 2 years to the day that my great uncle/grandad died. I WILL kill myself and I'm TAKEN one other person with me, but I'm not scared, I'm actually for the first time calm.
  5. mourningseraph

    mourningseraph Well-Known Member

    You are a very talented writer! :hug:
  6. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

  8. k2hsharpe

    k2hsharpe Antiquities Friend

    "So many people have gone
    I guess they just moved on
    All the changes that have happened
    have left me here feeling unwanted"

    Lost Child, I don't get back to this forum much but you are often in my thoughts. I suspect you are in many peoples thoughts, and they are good thoughts.

    The depression is still here
    flashbacks & images still appear
    the voices are getting louder
    echoin the words, I'm a failure"

    you've managed to stay alive under hurts and stresses I can't even begin to imagine, and I doubt I would have survived, I'm just not strong enough. You are no failure, far from it, you should feel really proud of what you've accomplished in life.

    I'll be thinking of you over this Xmas, hoping you spend time with good people and laughter

  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am moved by what you had to say lost_child. It also deeply saddens me to hear you have no hope that someday things may not be what it is today. You have had a lifetime of struggles and did what you needed to do to stop your perpetrator from harming anymore innocent people. The damage was done and I know it can never be repaired, but he does not have to win by robbing you of what you could have in the future. He does not have to be allowed to hurt you forever. You control that part of your destiny. You have lived through and survived the most difficult part. It is the past. It is not the present nor the future. Please don't remain the victim. Take control and be the victor. You do have the strength even though it does not feel that way. :grouphug:
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Lost_Child. Your poem was beautiful and very touching too. It nearly made me cry. I have been a member of SF for quite a long time now and I'm glad that you have hung on for so long. Please don't give up hun. You are an inspiriation for childhood abuse victims everywhere. You got the pedophile arrested and charged. Now you have to let yourself heal. I'm here if you need a friend. :hug:
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