final solution

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ropes_end, Nov 19, 2014.

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  1. ropes_end

    ropes_end New Member

    well, lets see where i can start.

    um, met this woman when i was about 30, and she 15 years older.
    she's a life sucking sponge and im the water boy.
    we started living together in 1994, and by 1997 i got an autoimmune disease that lasted till 2010.
    (Muscular Dystrophy).
    In those years, i was too sick to leave, i lost my income, went on SSDI, credit was destroyed as i could not get my SSDI in time to save my credit.
    Have been on SSDI since 2000.
    Had to continue living in this situation, as i was too sick to leave.
    basically the relationship is like 2 roommates and i stay in a bedroom most of my time.

    in 2000, im mother had a heart attack that lead to a coma that lasted for year because the 911 dispatcher didnt dispatch the EMTS from the station that is .75 miles from her home.
    Upon calling 911 a second time, the EMTs were dispatched, but this was 18 mins total time, before they arrived, even tho they are less then 2mins from her home.
    THey freaked out, defibbed her 11 times, and managed to restart her heart, even tho she was brain dead past the 9th minute while waiting for them to arrive after the second call.
    Im the youngest child so, even tho i was crippled by my disease, i was still staying at the hospital every single day for 9 mons.
    In 2006 i was so depressed i went on a dating site and met someone who lives in Israel, and we became friends, and fell in love online after talking for 5 years.
    I decided that because i had been in remission for about 2 years, by 2011 that i would let her come to get me and i would just leave all my issues BEHIND and go to Israel and start a new life @ 50 yrs old.
    Well, as i had been with the "other" woman, having never married her, i was consumed by regret and guilt at the thought that i had left an older woman alone and without enough money to survive, even tho she has her own house and a Son who could help, but is too busy to care.
    So, for 2 years, this guilt just ruined my relationship with the Isralie, and all i could do was stress out and or send money back to the woman in the USA so that she could survive.

    Well, in March 2011, a strange set of circumstances that i can only tell you was a miracle convinced me that i should come back to the States.
    So, i did, thinking i was doing what i was supposed to do, having left my "wife" in Israel, only to find myself now back in the ROOM, living with the woman.

    And, i cant do anything but feel like im going crazy.
    Im afraid to fly, and because of this, i cant fly back to Israel where my wife has long since decided that this situation is just crazy.
    And she is right.

    So, im stuck.
    Im so stuck that i cant stand to think that im back here nearly 2 years, and my wife in Israel is unwilling to come and bring me back, and i cant fly.
    I cant.....i am terrified of JETS, and the only reason i was able to go there was because someone came to pick me up and take me back.

    so, im just so tired of being so stuck., and my life has just been so crazy.

    This woman i live with, who ive known for 25 years, really cares about me, but, i just cant deal with it.
    So, being here is a mistake and going back to Israel is just one huge guilt trip.

    I dread waking up each day.
    I would rather not.

    I cant live here and i cant go there and stand the guilt.

    I feel like im being smothered by a heavy weight for so long if im being torn in two for a long time.

    Its so that i suffered with my disease for years, and because of this, the suffering led me to a dating site, which led me to all the rest.
    Had i never gotten sick, i would not have the life or the situation that has driven me to the brink of leaving this earth.

    Before i got sick, in '97, i didnt even have a PC.
    and had i not gotten sick, i would have never been online, as i never had any interest in that "world".

    And now, its become my world, and this world led me to a marriage and a misery that has no ANSWER that i can find, that will allow me to stand the outcome, no matter the choice.
    This is a "catch 22" that has me at its mercy, and im so tired of YEARS of this craziness.
  2. Wild Citizen

    Wild Citizen New Member

    I red what you wrote. you have been through a lot of pain and you deserve a happiness like every soul. First please for a minute forget about guilt and think what would Really make you feel better? what would make you happy? Returning to Israel to your wife? we all have to carry the guilt. and in most of situations, like this one as well, you will carry the guilt no matter what will be the choice. Leaving your woman in US or not returning to your wife in Israel. But like i said you deserve at least a bit of joy in your life. Please be clear about your intent and decide what you REALLY want.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Don't think you are alone in suffering. The important thing to help each other in life when we reach a crisis level. Please do not act on your feelings as we all care about you and what your are currently suffering. Forget the past as that will cause you turmoil. You need to look towards the future and just take one day at a time. Keep posting for care and support you need.
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