Final Triumph

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by victimofpromise, Mar 25, 2013.

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  1. victimofpromise

    victimofpromise New Member

    I'm 17 years old. Please don't tell me I have so much to live for, that youth is a beautiful thing. Don't tell me everything I'll miss. I've heard it all too many times. I want to die. I think I need it. I'm wasting away. I feel robotic. I move through the day on auto-pilot. Sometimes I feel as if I am watching myself from outside my body. And a part of me is convinced this needs to happen - not only because I want it, but to balance the universe.

    At the age of 5, I drowned. I became trapped underneath a canoe in the shallows at a summer camp. My heart stopped. I was gone. But they brought me back. I coughed up, my heart started again. My parents took me home, and never spoke of it again. But that didn't change what had happened. It was unnatural. I was gone. As some religions would say - perhaps it was God's will. But they brought me back, and disrupted the balance.

    A little over 10 years ago, I was involved in a violent home invasion. I listened to the men beat my uncle unconscious, shoot him, the crack of his skull. I listened to them drag his body, listened to them drag my screaming aunt to another room, her please through her tears. I listened to them try and break the door down, telling us children everything they would do. I survived. I shouldn't have. There was another precious opportunity for it all to end.

    At some point, between the home invasion and what would come next - I was sexually abused. I dont know by who. I don't even know what really happened. All I have are journals in my own 8-year old hand, descriptions of things I shouldn't have understood, and memories of games with dolls that should never have been created.

    Since then, I've been attacked twice more - once nearly taken from a bus stop, another time from my home. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, OCD and depression. And now, nearing my 18th birthday, I finally understand. I upset the balance. I need to die. I can't keep fighting. Yet the thing keeping me from ending it all, from blessedly swaying from the rafters, has been my family - the guilt. I know what it would do to them, especially to my father. It would destroy them, ruin four lives. I know they love me, I know I am loved and valued and precious. But I can't do it.

    But last night, during a particularly hard depression day, my dad spoke to me. He said "I've seen you fight every day. But it seems today you're letting it win." I could see his disappointment, his anger that I wouldn't fight - that for a single day I gave in. And in that moment, my last tether snapped. The guilt went away. He can't understand what he has done - I want it to win. I never want to fight again. I know what I will do. I've always known. But I finally think I can do it, I can rest. And this, at long last, will be my final triumph.

    Yet something still holds me. And I dont know what it is. I can't speak or breathe a word. And I'm hoping, perhaps, someone can tell me what to do.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I had people tell me for years as I was a teenager "these are the best days of your life -" and "you do not know how good you have it". They were wrong on both counts- I think teen years are by far the most difficult. Add to that a difficult situation and multiple episodes of horrible things and is not surprising you want to give up.
    The part of you that does not is the part that is seeing it for what it is - too unfair to have done all that and experienced the pain without benefit of joy that you are also entitled to. You say you are ready to quit - and I can certainly understand the reasons- but you have not experienced enough of the prize to know what the stakes are to make a decision that it is not worth playing anymore.
    You do not have to make a decision I will continue forever - that is too much for most of us. But you can make a decision that for right now you will keep on and so long as you are going to be here right now look to benefit from it in some way.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. victimofpromise

    victimofpromise New Member


    Is the joy enough to balance the pain? Each time I think it is - its sucked away. In some ways, I've even begun to think in terms of survival of the fittest. In a herd, the weakest, the sick, are weeded out by predators. Yet as a top race, we have no predators. Perhaps this is our way of weeding out. We are our own hunters, and the prey. In the game of survival, I am not meant to win. What point is there to fighting? But you say you are - or once were - a teenager. Can you tell me then, did it get better? And what was the price of survival?

  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I cannot say for anybody else - I can say for certain that there are times of happiness I am very very glad I have had, as well as other struggles I wish I could have avoided.
    I am in mid 40's now and have 3 daughters - one 21 and other 2 in teens still so I have some small clue of have been a teen myself and see the struggle of teen girls as well. It does get better - for some days and weeks or even years-- and then there will be other setbacks. With experience we do get better at extending the good times and make th estruggles shorter as we have done it more times- you will too I expect.
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