And from where I've been, I guess that's pretty good : My birthday was already hard without Alesia, but then found out a friend had died, by choice. My mind and emotions remained overwhelmed, and on that particular day, after months free, went back to my preferred form of SI. I don't know what triggered it, or whether it's mine to hold - but it's such a simple use of a cliche' that I don't know why it took so long : Absolutely, without a doubt, my wife would give her life for me. And be glad to do it, she had that much, we had that much love. She would literally, take a b****t for me. And though there was no choice or selection involved, through time, it was inevitable that we would be separated by death. And although I wish that we had another 20 years together, if it had to happen now, I'll take the pain, or let the pain choose me, let the anguish be my burden, let her be free of her burdens.I'll be the one who has to survive the loss. I'm not sure how well that works, or if I'll feel that way again, but it got me through the day - I took the b****t for my wife, and was glad to.