Finally Completely Alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Jun 17, 2014.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So a couple months back I moved away from my home state. Far far away, I think the overall trip was like 1300 miles away, working from home I can do that. Now I am in a new city, with no social connections what so ever. I am completely alone, and for once I am not thinking about dying or how much I suck so much. Yeah I have put on a lot of weight over the past couple of months, I am really heavy now, but that is besides the point. Here I do not have to worry about anything. I can do what I want. I have even worked out my workout schedule so that I am going to the gym on the weekdays so I can shut myself in my apartment on the weekends. It is so very nice and quiet.

    I actually did that a few weeks back, I shut myself in my apartment until my food ran out. I got 4 days, you know about 100 hours without leaving my apartment. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can just rot away here. I can just be alone and do this all the time. Maybe I will have to get another cat when mine dies, but you know... it is weird. No one bothers me, and the closest to bothering me they can get is to call me.

    Sure there are things that are agitating about my situation. I mistakenly choose an apartment that overlooks the pool. So every weekend, now that it is summer, there are a bunch of ass holes who throw some kind of party down there and it gets really loud, because the windows are single paned. So it is not quiet, but as long as I make sure the volume on my video games or anime is loud enough am not that annoyed. I also do not have a laundry machine in my apartment, but I can live without that.

    Even better I can feel the facade fading away from my soul. That facade that gave out vague answers to questions the family would ask about my personal life. Though I am dreading going to my sister's wedding in the future... nothing more annoying than being around a bunch of people who are going to pretend that we were once good friends. Plus now I do not have to maintain social connections because guess what I live in another state. If I do not talk to my family or the two friends I ahve for an extended period of time we are just far apart. It is not that I don't really give a crap about people. After all, as the biggest loser in the family/social circle. It falls to me to take care of maintaining the circle.

    It is so nice to finally be isolated from the rest of the world with no one to bother me. A few more years of this and I might actually want to not die.
  2. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I can definitely understand the point of view you have. When struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts, isolation can sometimes be a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. I would just advise moderation when it comes to time spent alone, but I am only speaking from personal experience. In college, I would go days without seeing or interacting with other people, and when I finally got into a situation where I absolutely had to be social, it was sometimes hard for me to reintegrate.

    Hope your new living situation works out well for you, though!
  3. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Noisemakers are certainly annoying. Eventually, enough to make a real bad mood. I have a pizza parlor open til 2 am with guitar players & stuff setting up outdoors, 60 feet from my window. I use those shooter's earplugs to get to sleep.

    Best wishes.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well unlucky for me I go to a small gym where everyone fancies themselves buddies so I have to socially interact whether I like it or not.
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