Finally Decided - *Triggering?*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cie, Apr 7, 2012.

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  1. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Hi,

    I've come to the realization that no matter what I do, achieve, or have in my life I can not be happy. This is because of my illness, which is incurable and lifelong, and not treatable to a point that lets me have a chance in life. And that is also why I will not be able to do anything worthwhile, achieve anything, or have anything worth having in my life.

    If I live I will be empty and my nights filled with depression and terror; I will not hold a job, I will not be able to study again, I can only live off social welfare struggling to make ends meet which isn't something I can handle on top of my mental health problems.

    I care that my family will hurt. Or anyone who'd still call myself their friend, if there is anyone left. But no matter their pain, the reality is that I can not do this to myself - I lived a life that had so much potential and was robbed of my sanity and all hope of a good future by the people at my home who abused me, by the people at my school who abused me; I lived my entire life with nowhere to be safe. I go to school terrified, and then I go home terrified. I never studied and was intelligent regardless, I could of gotten somewhere in life, but the people who bullied me and even assaulted me at school in a daily, even hourly basis, meant I couldn't study. I was more concerned with finding concealable weapons to defend myself with when I was TWELVE years old in a first world country that almost no one even has a gun in. Then going home and being verbally abused until I was asleep. I was never allowed to have a future.

    But there is one thing I have: A way out, and I've decided to take it. I will not live an empty life, I've been there, and I'm not going back.

    People always say that suicide is painful, well it isn't as painful as not doing it, and the pain goes away when you go away, unlike living. They always say that death is final and that any hope you may have had will be gone - and I say good, I want it to be final, I don't want to have a way back into life in case I was ever stupid enough to take it. As for hope - that left when I was traumatized for over 18 years into developing full blown psychosis.
     
  2. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    Is your illness Asperger's Syndrome?
     
  3. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Psychosis
     
  4. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that.
     
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