Finally discovered what I've suspected all along...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GameADDict, Sep 12, 2016.

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  1. GameADDict

    GameADDict INFP

    So as the title says, I've discovered what I have suspected for quite some time now. Others said it was just low self-esteem, but I knew otherwise. It was just a feeling in my gut, I guess you could say.

    I made a thread like this sometime ago.

    Anyways, I requested to have a copy of my psycho-educational assessment today. Before I left for home I dropped by my guidance counsellor's office to pick it up. I was anxious, to say the least, to get home and read it. I wanted to know the truth. I wish I would've left this well enough alone. But, maybe it's for the best?

    At the beginning of the document it stated that I was a "reserved and polite" individual. Then it went on to state the struggles I had in elementary school. When I was in primary, I could only recognize four letters. Luckily by the end of the year I was able to fully learn the alphabet. Although I still struggled with reading, writing and mathematics. So I was put into reading recovery in grade one and I apparently successfully passed it.

    I struggled with reading, writing and mathematics all the way through elementary school. I met expectations for reading in grade six, however. Although, I only met some expectations for writing and failed the expectations for math. These problems even persisted throughout juinor-high. Especially the math issue.

    Finally, the document stated that I was in the 37th percentile and I qualified for a learning disability. I'm not above average like the teachers that worked with my psychologist had said. Truth is, I'm dumb. I have an IQ that's around 95. I'm low-average. Which I had found out for myself with the help of the internet.

    I was dumb from the beginning. The teachers only wanted fix my low self-esteem by saying I was smart. I still can't believe my grade three teacher said that my erratic behaviour was a "sign of intelligence." Because it wasn't. I was just too stupid to figure the material out. I doubt I'll be able to even pass college, let alone get a PhD.

    I can't even comprehend this situation. It's seems like I have nothing going for me. Not looks, not talent or even intelligence. My life seems so vague and pointless. I feel like a waste a life and I just want to die.

    I wish I could die...
    OCDNihilism likes this.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Have you tried college. What do you have to lose by trying?
    electricalanomaly and Frances M like this.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    @GameADDict, first don't sound "dumb" to me. At all!

    Next, there are many reasons for whatever a person scores on IQ tests. Some reasons have nothing to do with the person's basic intelligence. Small things can make a big difference: "how" they ask the questions, present the information; being from one culture and tested against the "norms" of another culture; the physical comfort of the person being tested (e.g., ill, too hot, too cold, hungry); distracted by something else in the environment; stress in personal life...Some people just aren't good in testing situations at all. They find themselves really anxious and that anxiety affects how they do on the tests.

    I know someone who had a learning disability. Her school counsellors suggested that she follow the low-end high school program. This person now has her 4-year university degree, a post grad certificate, and a 2-year college diploma. She can't spell very well and isn't great at complicated math. She didn't let it hold her back. She worked to find ways to compensate for the things that challenged her.

    I agree with @Rockclimbinggirl, what do you lose if you give college a try?
    electricalanomaly and GameADDict like this.
  4. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    It could just mean that you need to work harder to achieve your goals?

    It's a very common story I read on the newspapers, I promise but with an unexpectedly wonderful ending.
    GameADDict likes this.
  5. Donthebon

    Donthebon New Member

    Okay, look. You MUST read what I'm going to write.
    First, I am not suicidal and never have been. I simply came to this board cause I was bored and sometimes just randomly search things from the top of my head. I guess I'm curious which I think is a good thing actually.
    I found your post and had to register because I can shed some light on your situation.

    I AM learning disabled. It actually runs in my family. My father failed grades 1 and 2. As an adult became an author and school principal and did an excellent job raising 4 kids in nice home.
    I grew up reserved, shy but had friends. I hated school and had to switch schools because my grades were too low.
    High school, did crap as well. In university, I avoided any course that involved math, science or multi-step procedures. I majored in sociology and have two degrees. I am happily married with two kids and have a very good job that is rewarding. Am I learning disabled? Yes, I forget faces and names all the time. I can't do mental math when it comes to more than one step. My self esteem has suffered because of it so I hate being the centre of attention since I am afraid I'll look like a fool. Probably, this goes back to when I was a kid in school.

    Having a learning disability is NOT the end of the world. You are not dumb. I know I'm not. ....sometimes I feel like an idiot though :) Trust me on that one.

    I focus on what I'm good at. I am good with my hands, I'm very curious and love learning. I can't read sheet music at all but I have taught myself guitar and have played in a band and toured across the country numerous times.

    Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. That's natural. I felt that way too and still do when I say something dumb or reveals my disability. But, I have read so many self help books and read up on coping skills and I'm in a pretty good place now.

    I also went for come counselling which was fine but I realized that when you dwell on your faults, it makes things worse.

    Instead of a Learning Disability, it should be called Learning Differently. Anyway, my son now struggles with it cause I've passed it on which is crap. Oh well, life goes on. Make the most of it, and you'll amaze yourself.

    Reading through all these posts from people with suicidal thoughts I see that from my outside perspective, it's not the situation they are in, it's the attitude they have toward it. Sometimes, I daydream and think, if something crap happened, I mean really crap. I'd sell everything, live in a van, get a job at McDonalds and live a very simple life. It's been done many times. Walmart parking lot becomes home. Or, sell everything, move to Asia, teach English and start life over. Life is about choices. Start over, open a window and let the fresh air in. Yeah, life sucks but get over it. If you need it, go on medication, get into shape, start running, get a haircut. ...just start by waking up, eating breakfast, create a to do list, get a job, ANY job. Slowly, you'll find yourself being too busy to dwell on the bad. I've been there. Believe me.
  6. Donthebon

    Donthebon New Member

    Sorry if I didn't give everyone a hug and show compassion to everyone's suffering. But sometimes the truth hurts. If you are sitting around the house cause you're too depressed. Well, sitting around IS depressing! Come on, common sense. EVERYONE has to keep busy. Did you know that most people who do marathons are escaping their demons? They are doing something. Please don't think I'm looking down on anyone on this board. But saying that it's okay won't help you at all. You're a loser if you want to be. You're ugly if you think you are. Einstein was severely learning disabled and look what he accomplished. Get moving people, go to the doctor, therapy, making friends tomorrow or today. Suicide is not a solution. You live once, don't blow it. ..and if you did? Well, start over. But seriously, I think meds could help many people here. It's not your fault or anyone's fault. It is what it is.
  7. Donthebon

    Donthebon New Member

    Oh yeah, I also have ADHD inattentive type so there! I'm a piece of work and love my life. ....I suck at sports too :)
  8. GameADDict

    GameADDict INFP

    I'm sure my learning disability is dyslexia because of the fact that my mother has it, as well as ADHD. I also have the inattentive type, by the way.

    My self-esteem was effected because of bullying too. Plus the fact I've never got good marks (except for Social Studies, Science and Sociology 12) and a lot of my teachers treated me like I was a dunce.

    Now I'm in an adult learning program taking Academic Math 12, Biology 11, Global Geography 12 and English 12. So far my current math teacher has taught better than any other math teacher I've had. Not to mention the environment is less chaotic and slightly more professional. So I think I'm doing okay. I still feel dumb in math, despite that. But I actually like biology so I think I'm doing good in that. I'm also starting to take a liking for Global Geography because it also teaches about culture.

    I don't know much of my strengths however. I've been called insightful by my Sociology teacher and curious by my Global Geography teacher. But that's it.

    I'm looking to take up piano eventually. I was inspired by the lead singer of the band Evanescence, Amy Lee. Which is my favourite band too. I also tried guitar in a music class but my hands are way too small. Plus, no offense, I find guitar slightly monotonous.

    My Sociology teacher just up and left Canada to teach English to people in Asia. I really liked my Sociology teacher.

    Anyways, thanks for the reply, everyone. I'll try some the things Donthebon suggested and try to do my best in my current courses and then see where things go from there.
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