Hi everyone, I would like to give you a little of my background to give you some perspective on my feelings. To say I had a rough childhood is an understatement. By the time I was 18 I was terrified of everything. I was very intelligent and got a full scholarship to university to study pre med. I was too scared of the other students and being away from home that after a while I quit going. I worked in a small fast food restaurant for awhile and ended up having a psychotic break over a man. I tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized. I came home, fought him some more obsessed some more and tried to kill myself again. This time I refused to even go to the hospital. I was living with my mother at this time and she came home one day and said I am getting married and my new husband doesn't want you here so you have to leave. I found an old trailer I could rent. I started having frequent disagreements with my friends about imagined slights. Anyway I became homeless, friendless, and jobless. Somehow with the help of my sister we found a place that would allow us to buy on land contract. I have tried to kill myself once since living here. I cannot remember one happy day in my life. Recently things have gotten so bad. My dog, my meaning for living hurt her knee and was put on painkillers and scheduled for an operation. Her kidneys shut down from the painkillers and I had to have her euthanized. PLEASE don't say get another dog. It would be like telling someone to get another child. I have no support system. I recently became very sick with pneumonia (MRSA) and was in ICU for 16 days. The pulmonologist said my lungs will never function normally again. My car broke down a few days ago and I have no way to get it fixed. I need my meds picked up and no way to get them. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 12th and no way to get there. It goes on and on and on. I am starting to get those paranoid feelings that no one likes me and would be happier if I was gone. I am in so much mental pain it is really hard to take. I have wanted to kill myself since I was 9 but I fought and fought because I thought I could change and things would be okay. I am now 46 and things are worse than ever. I am under treatment and have been for25 years, So many drugs have been tried on me it is ridiculous. I am tired, hopeless scare and just want out. I cannot sleep and I sit here and tremble or cry. There is so much more to this story but I don't want to overwhelm. I'm having a hard time finding the strength this time.