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Finally it will all be over soon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by greginnc, Aug 21, 2011.

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  1. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    No more sleepless nights, no more worrying, and no more nothing. I have been preparing for this and finally it will all be done and I wont hurt anymore nor will I have a sense of failure any longer. Can I go through with it? Can I continue on this path I am continually on for the last for years?

    After breakfast I am heading off to find xxxxx
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2011
  2. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    :( Please don't harm yourself...you are so important and have so much potential, you just don't know it yet.

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Gregg and welcome...can you tell us what is going on for you? I hope you stay around as you will find many of us either feel now or have felt as you do...welcome again...J
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    It was nice seeing you in chat earlier, Greg. :hug: Glad you joined us for a bit. :welcome:
  5. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Peace beyond death is just a theory. Peace in life is a possibility. We know peace and happiness is possible in life, but in death we can only theorize about what awaits us there. Regardless of how bad we have it here, there is no promise that is is better in death. The mere possibility that it can be worse in death causes me to remain here. I know what to expect here. The unknown is the worst. I know what life will be like for me. It will suck, but I can't be sure that death wont be worse or better. I have to go with what I know.
  6. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    It has taken me four years to come to this point and trust me four years ago I was on top of the world and now I have had to endure failure after failure after failure that I simply dont want to keep this up any longer..

    It all started when my wife walked out on me and our oldest son. I had to leave a career of truckdriving and it has been most difficult changing careers. I went back to college and earned my associates degree and am pursuing my Bachelors. But I lost my job been on unemployment for two years and now unemployment has run out and I am losing my house with only 18 more payments on. HOmeless shelters are full and our son has no place to go as at 14 he has no relationshhip with his mother and I am unable to care and provide for him. I am so useless and yes I have submitted thousands of resumes so I am not above working. There is no hope and I can honestly say I hate living I hate myself and I hate knowing that I have to go through this another day and that is why I am going to end it. Finally I wont have to face these facts any longer :)
  7. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    That makes sense but I have such a nasueous hatred for living like this and I am so tired of it.
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Greg, my thoughts are with you. I just wanted you to know that I'm here, listening, during this difficult time... Mr. A
  9. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    When you feel this way think back to some of the happier times. The times where you were alone in your truck listening to the radio and feeling the freedom of the open road. Think about driving through the mountains of Organ in the winter time with snow and ice and think about how alive it made you feel to know that 80,000 lbs was pushing you down the hill. At anytime I 84 could have become the end of you, but the snow didn't win. Gravity even with the aid of ice didnt defeat you. You beat the best of nature. You are a strong survivor who will continue to survive and thrive. As long as you dont give up, you will be the winner you know you deserve to be.
  10. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    Thanks Alex
  11. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    I try to think of those fun times especially when my family was out on the road with me. I remember looking at the homeless in the major cities I drove through. I remember how thankful I was for what I had. I remember the acts of kindness I did to some of them those that would allow me too anyway.

    Finally here I am 41 yrs old and soon to be out on the streets foraging for food, warmth, a shower if I am lucky enough to get into a shelter occasionally to take one. Never in my life did I think this would happen to me. There is no option no hope as I have researched my avenues, any ideas I have gotten from others. I love to work and to learn I and now I cant do anything other than answer harassing phone calls from bill collectors who know that I know I am behind and is going to throw me out on the street anytime.
  12. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    Well I just finished my cup of coffee and it is 2am and if I am going to get this done I better get started now as I want to get this over with.
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Have you thought about moving somewhere else. I know where I live there are trucking jobs and high paying jobs in the oilfields. Also many businesses have lost so many workers to the oilfields that even fast food places are paying double the minimum wage and are still having trouble finding people willing to work. You are in a bad place right now, but you can remember what the good times were like. That means you can carry with you the hope that it can and will be like that again. Relocating sure beats what you are thinking about. There are always other options to explore. Never make a final decision about a choice such as you are considering without exploring those options. You and your son son are worth the time and effort it takes.
  14. imyouroldman

    imyouroldman Well-Known Member

    Greg, I HEAR YOU. Use drive coast to coast back in the 80's and early 90's and I had those same thoughts and fears about being homeless. I've already gone through being homeless once, about 10 years ago. I am faced with same scenario today just like you, again.

    Only thing I can tell you is just take it one day at a time.

    I remember the first time when I was faced with it. The "thing" that saved me, was saying "F**k it, let it all fall down. I'm powerless to control what happens here. So I'll go somewhere else." and it worked. I moved and rebuilt my life. It worked, well for awhile anyway.

    Faced with the same thing all over again RIGHT NOW. I know what the answer is but this time as of this morning, I do not have the cash to leave.

    So YOU hang on, accept that YOU have to live one day at a time right now.

    You come across like you have strength, but that your overwhelmed. Reach inside and tell yourself that it's normal to fall down. It's OK that sometimes your life goes out of control. As long as your ALIVE, you always will have the ability to stand back up.

    I'm not even supposed to be "here" at this date and time. Well that was the plan, but something other then FEAR has kept me here. I don't know what it is, but I think(and Hope) if I take it one day at a time, I may just find the answer.

    If you need to talk, please msg me. Peace...
  15. imyouroldman

    imyouroldman Well-Known Member

    Please make my day and tell me that you are in or near Western ND???

    I know that may seem a little strange, but that was the plan.......and it seems as if I may get a second chance at going West(sorry if this bad "etiquette" for posting here). But I had to ask ya here and now...can't tell you how long I had been looking for somewhere online from that area, that I felt was being honest.

    I gave up awhile back and I am just barely holding on...lol.
    But today has been a good day tho....how strange?
  16. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i know its probably been said a thousand times but hold on to your son! Your son has no one without you and although you probably can't connect to the love you feel for him at the moment hold on to the thought of him having no one. i know exactly how you feel; i am in the same boat but i keep telling myself over and over i am better than no mum at all! even though i dont believe it my kids do! i'm here for you hun if you want a chat, keep safe and one day things will change... they have to!
  17. bsmith5

    bsmith5 New Member

    How do you think your son will remember you if you take your life, having already having his mum walk out on him
  18. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    I cannot believe it that I went eat my last meal and at 3am I met someone I had not seen in several years and I got my mind off of what I intended to do.
    I have taken a couple of days trying to get things together and see if I can turn our lives around and nope.

    No work no groceries house is in foreclosure and on it goes. My oldest is going to have to go live with his mom as I cannot care for him and I know what he is exposed to over there. She left me and our son for a hoodlum man that is on probation drugs and other things. My five yr old goes back and forth and I cannot even descibe his attitude. Every standard everything that I stood for is under attack from this man. My ex allows this behavior around my child. I needed to get a job and seek primary custody and all but no the job never came about. Homeless shelters are full so no room for me and no where to go and I am not going to live on a street under a bridge.

    So no more family no more wife and now I am losing my kids and home and I cannot nor do I want to go on. Honestly I feel that I died the day she cheated and stabbed me in the back and threw me in the ditch for this man. I was a good husband and am an awesome father but it is all unraveled and no way to put it back together.

    This is why I hate myself. I have to face this mess all the time and I am honestly tired of it. :(

    Sorry for my whining and moaning but I just dont know I hear folks tell me to hang on and to what shall I hang on? To hear my children swear and have knowledge of activities that is way to above them for them. This is the tip of the ice berg but it is a good start I must say.

    Oh and she was pregnant with his baby and now there is a child that is not mine and of course that is more legal fees for that as it is not my child but I still have to go through the legal routes and that cost money that I just dont have. It is as bad as it gets and that is a fact.
  19. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    I feel like I am abandoning my youngest if I move. I love my children and no I dont want to hurt myself but I feel like i have no choice. I worked and worked to provide for my family and yes I was good to her. I cannot begin to understand why she left me. I gave her my 100 % and yet she disrespects me to our youngest. She expects me to coparent with her and him. I am tired of that childish mess and the only way to escape is to either end it or go through for the rest of my life.
  20. greginnc

    greginnc Member

    I wish I was in ND however I am in NC. I would love to leave but i cannot leave my youngest behind
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