When people say that nobody cares or anything of that sort, we're used to sceptically view that. Usually they have at least one person, or usually more, like family and stuff. But in my case, I'm really alone. Mostly because I made those that I could consider friends or relatives hate me. In any case, I've been struggling with suicidal feelings for a long time, and I really, really tried to make my circumstances better. I quitted smoking and drinking. I managed to pass most of my college exams and start looking for a new job after a long period of unemployment. I began drawing again. But now when I reflect upon it, I understand that I've been doing all that for not a lot of reasons. I did it only for myself and no one was near me to actually witness it. And figures, I alone didn't need all those improvements. In late November/beginning of December I went through a heavy and painful spinal surgery, ontop of my drug-resistant tuberculosis. I pulled through it, and now I can even excersise. But no one visited me in the hospital, not even my parents. Sure, I got a few phonecalls, but that's it. I got up back on my feet just out of stubborness, but all in all, it was again, for nothing. I understand that it's how I'll go through life - finding strength to overcome some shit, but never understand for what real reason instead of blind survival instinct and bitterness. I don't want it. I want to kill myself and get over with it. Probably I, like any human, no matter how fucked up he may be, wish for appreciation and encouragement. I'm not ready to humiliate myself in getting it though. And before someone says that you have to work so other people would like you, I did work. I've tried thinking of others before myself, but no matter how I try, or how good I can be, without any second thought - I'm just unlikable. A fifth leg for a dog. I'd give examples, but it's not interesting. In any case, after much time of consideration, I'm going to do it. I'm tired of tolerating it all for myself, because it's not what I wanted. I have a reliable method, and it all should go well. I wish I could have the ability to share it with actual people, but this isn't bad either.