Finally made my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kombatx, Jan 20, 2010.

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  1. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    When people say that nobody cares or anything of that sort, we're used to sceptically view that. Usually they have at least one person, or usually more, like family and stuff.

    But in my case, I'm really alone. Mostly because I made those that I could consider friends or relatives hate me.
    In any case, I've been struggling with suicidal feelings for a long time, and I really, really tried to make my circumstances better.

    I quitted smoking and drinking. I managed to pass most of my college exams and start looking for a new job after a long period of unemployment. I began drawing again.

    But now when I reflect upon it, I understand that I've been doing all that for not a lot of reasons. I did it only for myself and no one was near me to actually witness it. And figures, I alone didn't need all those improvements.

    In late November/beginning of December I went through a heavy and painful spinal surgery, ontop of my drug-resistant tuberculosis. I pulled through it, and now I can even excersise. But no one visited me in the hospital, not even my parents. Sure, I got a few phonecalls, but that's it. I got up back on my feet just out of stubborness, but all in all, it was again, for nothing.

    I understand that it's how I'll go through life - finding strength to overcome some shit, but never understand for what real reason instead of blind survival instinct and bitterness. I don't want it. I want to kill myself and get over with it.
    Probably I, like any human, no matter how fucked up he may be, wish for appreciation and encouragement. I'm not ready to humiliate myself in getting it though.

    And before someone says that you have to work so other people would like you, I did work. I've tried thinking of others before myself, but no matter how I try, or how good I can be, without any second thought - I'm just unlikable. A fifth leg for a dog. I'd give examples, but it's not interesting.

    In any case, after much time of consideration, I'm going to do it. I'm tired of tolerating it all for myself, because it's not what I wanted. I have a reliable method, and it all should go well. I wish I could have the ability to share it with actual people, but this isn't bad either.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I hope you'll reconsider and not go through with it.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    alot of ppl say they are unlikeable. i used to think the same way.

    what i have come to realise is, in order for things to start changing YOU have to start changing. it doesnt just come with being nice here and there. its a complete attitude make over. that is simple as your attitude comes from the way you think. when i moved to another state last april, i made an effort to change the way i thought.

    for years, MOST ppl that i worked with couldnt stand me .. so i thought. now, i changed the way i think and i have more ppl that i associate with then i ever have. before i didnt want anything to do with most ppl.

    i proved to myself that .... if you want things to change .. you have to change first. sometimes its a matter of digging deep and eating some crow and some humble pie.
    sure, i still have my bad days, today was one of them. i cant just allow my thoughts to ruin my day. i cant allow my thoughts to run my life ... not when they are negative.

    alot of ppl arnt willing to make the effort needed to change the way they think. if your not, quit complaining that everyone doesnt like you and sit in your room, in the dark and let the world move on.
    kinda harsh i know. but i used to be one of the biggest negative thinking ppl around. PPL TOLD ME THAT.
    if i can change, so can you.
    course you have to be willing to.
    its your choice. everyone is slowly dying. its up to you as to what you do with your life. sitting and complaining ... well ... you do the math.
  4. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    You have done a lot better than me already. Don't give up when your winning.

    I still can't quit smoking or drinking and will die soon as a result wether I wish it or not.
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