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Finally made up my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by magillygutty, Aug 12, 2011.

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  1. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    I'm 20 years old going to community college because I dropped out of high school. I finally realized that because I'm Asian I will never succeed in the united states. I really don't care what my parents think because they really don't give a shit about me. My dad is a delusional maniac and my mom is a desperate middle aged nobody(there divorced by the way). I cant even talk to my mom because she never learned English. Shes basically a stranger to me.

    My mom sent me away to live with my dad in Guam when I was 12 years old. Then after a year of living in a broken down shack we moved to china, so my dad could make his riches there (a delusion). then after 2 years of dealing with his bullshit I moved back to Hawaii, to live with my mom and her white boyfriend. I was chronically depressed for a while now, and after being in another country for so long not learning a thing other than life is terrible. I had to be a freshman when I was suppose to be a sophmore.

    My high school years were VERY awkward because I just couldnt get used to the environment and my home life was also VERY awkward. I had no one to talk too, so my grades started to slipped DRAMATICALLY. In my junior year my moms boyfriend kicked my mom out because she was being a total NUTCASE. He said I could stay cuz im not fucking crazy like my mom, but my mom didnt like that so she started to tell my friends that he was molesting me or something WTF was that??? She just wouldnt stop it until I moved in with her in some shithole apartment. Thats when my grades REALLY hit the floor I had F's in all my classes and decided to drop out.

    Ive been in a twilight ever since. Stagnant...not going anywhere, and academics in ruins. Lacking in every department just nothing going for me all my friends think im a fucking weirdo now. I finally saved up thousands of dollars from working at a restaurant than with my moms ex boyfriend he has his own business.

    Now With no friends, no future, no family, no looks, no anything but my money. Ive finally decided when and how im going to commit suicide.

    I'm going to book a hotel for a couple of days in honolulu before christmas eve, and xxxxxxxxx. Im gonna have a jolly time going to the beach and end it all on christmas eve looking out at the morning sky through the window (looking at the sky just before the sun rises is the most beautiful experience in the world). Oh what a wonderful way to go :biggrin:

    Im posting on this forum because I have no one to talk to really and it would be nice to finally have some ppl to talk too in the final months before I go.
  2. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Crap should never have posted this thread. I cant find the edit button either!!

    I want to delete this THREAD!

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2011
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    You don't have to be afraid to talk to us. You certainly don't have to feel ashamed of what you posted. You have people here who completely understand, and would really like to help. We are not going to be judgemental.

    Just because your asian, doesn't mean that you can't succeed at doing anything in the US. My nephew, neice, & sister in law are philippines. My brother met them while he was in the military and stationed there. My nephew is working in a restaurant which is something he loves doing, and he's made plenty of friends. My neice found her husband here and has two kids now, she put herself through a community college, she's working. My neurologist is foreign, he's one of the best doctors I have ever met. Determined to make me better if it's the last thing he ever does. I do not have one.... not one... american doctor that would do that for me.

    Don't feel like your life has to be shit, it doesn't. I don't know why your friends would turn on you like that, even with what was told, they should have understood your explanation of what was going on. We are not all cruel like that. I guess those kids need to learn maturity. Your mom's ex-boyfriend sounds like a great guy, he'd let you stay there with him, gave you a job. If I was you, that is what I would probably do, and tell anyone else judgemental of that to kiss your hindend. Then I would go to the court house and file a restraining order on your mother, over mental anguish, to make sure she keeps her seperation from you. You might try getting a job somewhere where you don't know any of them, and make sure your mother has no clue where your working, or what your doing. You could make new friends at a new work place. You might think about saving money to get your own apartment, and relocate somewhere else, get a fresh start. You might try seeking help from a councellor, to work on developing some confidence and your low self esteem issues, which is obvious when you say you have no looks. There isn't a thing in the world wrong with looking asian.

    Don't give up on having a future. You can, you just need to have some faith and hope, that it's possible. You could start by taking online courses and get some books, to work on studying to get your GED, having that diploma is important. You can also get your high school diploma online now.
  4. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    I got my GED in 2010 but it doesnt matter I have no confidence anyways. I really have no reason to live anymore. The economy is going to shit and probably even more shit when I do get out of college.

    Plus I look like a sterotypical asian Jet black straight hair, slit eyes, huge overbite, small hands and feet. Nothing about me is forgiving and dont tell me racism doesnt exist cuz it exist alright, even more so than before because of all this media influence. Cant make any new friends cuz as soon as people realize how asian I look they ignore me like im the plague or make fun of how I dont talk to anyone or if I do talk to someone they always comment on how ugly I look...

    Ive tried everything losing weight, being more friendly, setting goals, exercising, hobbies, video games, etc.

    Its like I just lose confidence because my persistent depression always gets in the way. I cant focus on anything for more than 30 mins.

    I was thinking about going to my doctor and getting drugs, but I dont want my depression on records. So its either continue living this bullshit life or end it already.

    But nvm that I want to delete this thread hey MOD can you delete this thread!?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2011
  5. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Yes racism still exists, mostly with black people, but sometimes with foreigners as well. But remember, we aren't all jackasses..

    I cannot agree with you with the asian look. For if I had a choice of looking asian, or looking american, I would pick asian any day. I love dark hair, dark beautiful skin. Slit eyes are so cute.

    I don't know if it would help your confidence, but a dentist could correct your overbite.

    Your medical records are confidential, unless you plan to pursue a career in the military, no one will ever know about your depression but you and your doctor, unless you just decide to tell someone about it.

    I'm sorry if I am bothering you, but it's difficult to not step in and try to help.
  6. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member


    Depression is a challenge many of us here are battling. I've noticed the forum help a lot of people. It helped me. I needed someplace to vent darkly, and this is a place where there are many people that have been or are where you are at.

    Battling self image is really hard. I battle it, and can't give much advice. I'm trying to do things that make me happy and fulfilled. That was hard, making the break from where I was to where I am. Just getting up each day and showing up helped. Eventually I was farther from the bad place and closer to the good place. Now I'm fully in the good place. It just takes time.

    Can you take your saved money and move from HI? Maybe to California? Getting away from your Mom would be a good idea. There is much opportunity in CA for somebody who shows up. Nothing happens overnight, but good things can happen when you show up. Plus, in SoCal there are about 20 million people - everybody has self image problems. Hell, Brad Pitt has self image problems.

    Show up with servicable clothing and good hygiene, and nobody cares if you have an overbite. You can achieve many great things, as you've already demonstrated. Keep going.
  7. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Well actually I did move to california for about 6 months got a job at a restaurant but realized I wasnt making enough money to support myself so I had to move back to hawaii.

    I just cant see myself having a good future. I feel like I've been so out of loop of the social life for so long that I will never re integrate myself back in. I just feel weird wherever I go never fitting in to anything.

    My whole life is just one big embarrassment. I feel Im becoming my parents, feel like im delusional, impulsive, emotional, just anything thats negative. Find myself being desperate all the time, desperate for a way out of this hole, but that seems to push everyone away.

    Im damaged goods....:sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2011
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you talked to your doctor about how you are coping and feeling hun Sometimes therapy can help you find a path that will help you succeed more
    also give you coping skills to help you deal with stresses in life. You can succeed It does not matter what nationality you are not everyone is prejudice Be proud of who you are hun okay hugs
  9. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    I let it slipped when I was talking to my doctor once about how depressed I was but she thought I was going to commit suicide so she just called a therapist on me, and she started to ask me generic questions. Idk it just turned me off from doctors period. They have NO idea how I feel.

    IDK any more, I feel like Im screwed up beyond repair. I feel like crap everyday as soon as I wake up and until I go to sleep. My lower back hurts, my feet feel so cold all the time, i get headaches, i feel so empty.

    I dont mean to whine or anything...:sad:
  10. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    At the end of my darker days, I had a headache that hurt constantly for well over a month. No amount of advil helped. If your pains aren't attributable to anything specific, I imagine they are coming from the stress/depression.

    I also had a bad reaction to talking with a therapist. His questions were leading down a path that would put me on a 72 hour hold and thus only drive me deeper into problems. I'm glad I knew enough not be truthful with him, as bad as that might sound to say - it saved my life.

    You mentioned you were able to save thousands of $$$ - that takes work and determination. You have the ability. Your Mom isn't good for you, if you stay on HI, can you avoid her completely?
  11. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    No theres no way I can live without her and no way she can live without me since she depends on me for federal subsidies and food stamps, and if I were to move to another place the rent would eat up my savings shes also VERY clingy doesnt want me to leave. So Im pretty much screwed....

    I dont think I will ever be able to find another job since SOOOO many people are out of work now.

    The "fresh" start in california wasnt really fresh because I had to live with my brother and share a room. We drove each other nuts, and after a couple of months of searching relentlessly for a job I got real lucky and found a job at a restaurant, but my boss was SOOO demanding I had to do almost everything for minimum wage and he always gave me split shifts every day which just drained me. So I gave him 2 weeks notice that I was going to quit, and those 2 weeks were HELL, but I made it through. When he posted an ad on craigslist he told me about 200 people applied to replace my job in 2 days...

    IDK from personal experience the world has gone to shit, and my hope along with it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 13, 2011
  12. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I never once had my doctor or therapist do something to have me locked up. However in the state of mind I was in, they should have. It is their job to protect you from self harm. They let it slide, they gave me the medication I used to OD on.. Yes, I needed someone to step in and do something. Trying to talk some sense into me was not always effective.

    Earlier in the year, that really hurt me. I'm in so much pain, that I am overdosing on sleeping pills and antidepressants to knock myself out, I ask for help immediately when this started, and I was sent back home with a narcotic that made me puke and made my stomach hurt so bad, that it did no good whatsover. I repeadedly went to my doctor crying over this, he didn't give me anything until I request it from the front office, another narcotic that made me vomit, I give him all that back, and he sends me home with nothing, even though I told him the pain was so bad that I wanted to put a gun in my mouth, even though he knew how I was dealing with it. Why couldn't he do an MRI to see why I was hurting like that, or admit me in the hospital for help. That really hurt me. If you really need help and your in a serious place that could put you in danger, they ought to get off their asses and do something.. I am not trying to be an ass by saying that, but it's true.

    I didn't feel like I had anyone to depend on.. My family was giving me hell for being in that shape, like I could help it. I lost my will to live. Wouldn't even get up out of bed to eat. Eventually snapped out of it, and decided to take my health issues into my own hands, and I solved this problem on my own... But I shouldn't of had to.

    Appreciate it that your doctor was concerned enough to have you talk to a therapist. You may not have liked that one, but you could try another. Both of my therapists I saw were just the most understanding and caring people I could have ever met. To today, I miss them both dearly.. They will always have a place in my heart.
  13. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Right now im not feeling so depressed anymore, maybe this episode is over for now....:yay:
  14. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad, and I hope you keep on feeling better. That's a reason for me to smile today, just knowing that.. :hugtackles:
  15. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Well that makes me feel even better...:mhmm:
  16. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Awwwww. :rolleyes:

    I kind of wish this forum was based on the area that you live in, and not only offer online support, but have support groups where we could meet each other. I have never met a group of people so caring and sweet, and alot of you think you are worthless, or not good enough, but that is so far from the truth. I can see how wonderful you are, I hope someday you are able to see that too.
  17. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Ah you wouldnt want to meet me in person Im a very awkward person in real life. I cant look people in the eyes for more than a second because I feel like they can get a really good look at how ugly I am if I do. Plus I hardly ever talk so my speech isnt coherent.:sigh:

    Starting to get that crushing depression again. Have had no contact with actual people today and the negative voices in my head are starting to take over. Doubt is especially horrible because I just end up a wreck, trying to decide what I believe in.

    God I wish school would just start already so I dont have time to think....:sigh:

    Been thinking how my life is always going to be like this, just battling against my thoughts....what a bullshit life I guess the christmas suicide is still on...:sigh:

    Just realized how disorganized and random my thoughts are, cant even organize my own mind.
  18. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well we have something in common because I don't look people in the eye when I talk to them either, unless it's just a glance. I bet I'm just as awkward, difference being I am not going to hate myself for it. It's okay to be who you are. You can believe it or not but there are people out there that would apprieciate you just the way you are, and there are many people out there going through the exact same thing.

    I also have foreign relatives that I love very much, and my sister-in-law's speech isn't always clear, but I don't mind.

    Personally, I like to play video games myself.. :rolleyes: The atari (might be outdated) but it was my favorite, pacman & donky kong.. I really got hooked on x-box, simpsons game. And PS2 sponge bob.. I also watch the cartoons on tv. Don't tell me that's not weird. LMFAO. I think it's because my daughter listens to this stuff so much, it rubs off, but my taste in music gets even worse. I went to a Hillary Duff concert with her (and don't think I wasn't laughed at over that!).. To make it worse, yes I had fun.. And if I have to pick two people to listen to sing, it's Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber..

    I don't know what would possess you to think you'd have to be perfect to be liked.. I am so far from perfect, it's not even funny. Most people are far from perfect. I would never be judgemental like that. How could I be, I have enough issues of my own..

    I am not sure how to word this, but just because a guy is super gorgeous, or has an outgoing personality, or a shit load of friends, doesn't mean they are any better than you. Been there, did that,, dated that, just so I could be abused at age 17, cheated on, left while I was pregnant, almost raped, actually raped, and abused again. And the guy I ended up marrying, he was most definetly no ashton kutcher :)rolleyes:) but I thought I was getting a nice guy,, (cough, cough) right...

    Well I am judgemental, but only toward people who can't have the fkn decency to treat another human the way they should be treated, can't be nice, people who are uncaring or lack any consideration whatsover toward you, or think they are better than everyone else, OMG, I can't stand people like that..

    So you can guess again if you think I wouldn't like to meet you in real life or that I wouldn't like you just the way you are. Hummm, I already do..

    One thing that makes depression terrible is to have too much time on your hands sitting around thinking about all the negative things in your life. I especially was best at this when I would lay down in bed of the night and attempt to go to sleep. The more you think about it, the worse you feel. And I have always been the kind of person where my thoughts have been obsessive compulsive, so that made my depression that much worse. I don't know if there is an antidepressant that can control your thoughts, but boy would that really kick it's ass a good one.. You really need to keep yourself busy while your feeling this way. That might be the only thing that's going to be helpful..

    I haven't had any contact with anyone today myself. Kind of enjoying the peace and quiet, if you know what I mean. And you see what I'm doing right now, I am online talking to you.. You was doing really good there for a short time, I hope you can start feeling better again. :hugtackles:
  19. magillygutty

    magillygutty Member

    Do you ever think your being tested? Like your confronted by a huge wall and its up to you to decide whether or not your going to find a way over it or just go into a fetal position and cry.

    Like the universe wants you to move on and provides opportunity's to do so but its up to you.
  20. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I don't know really, I guess I believe there is a destiny set forth, I kind of believe your life is planned out for you before it ever happens. I also believe we have chances to either make our life better, or proceed with the thoughts of, it can't get any better. I do believe if a person has enough willpower, they can succeed at whatever they choose. You have to want it bad enough.. When you give up, and don't try, you really don't accomplish anything. You turn into me. (lolll)..
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