Finally, my break in the faucet.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dubstepper, Dec 6, 2011.

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  1. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    I delayed writing this as long as I could. I understand you all are here for me til the end. But there are just some things that I thought I could handle on my own. This is one of them.. and it's at the point where I needed someone to talk with. Otherwise... well... there is worse.

    I got the phone call from China (my ex... everything) when I was at Taco Bell enjoying the evening after getting off work with Swift and our friend. China has been going on this bout with hearing voices speaking negatively of me. Everything from (and what I'm going to write, I have sworn on my LIFE and my first-born's life, never to do) cheating on her, hiding an affair, seeing other people, and the most important one... sleeping with her younger sister, who is now pregnant for the 2nd time. She has told me weeks ago (back since October after my visit back home to see if spending time with her would patch this gap that's been forming. I thought it went well, but apparently not) that she wanted a break from being engaged... she was hearing too many false informations about me, and wanted to see if it stopped. Plus she is hearing voices that make her believe that someone in her life is going around telling all of our business. And who, besides her, KNOWS our business? Me.
    They apparently didn't stop, and I have been telling her to get mental help. She wants to become a lawyer, so she thinks that law schools have access to mental health files. I really highly doubt this. She told me on this Taco Bell call that she is done entirely with talking to me. Deleting my number, removing me from her wall of photos... basically everything as if I have never existed to her. My family can get everything I have ever given her, and to keep whatever of her's I still have. I'm not allowed to call or contact her to arrange a date for this. My brother or my mom need to. (Her request)
    This is something I can not get over.... 7 YEARS with this woman.. I have been through her cheating on me... not once... or twice... or just 3 times. YES I'M A FUCKING IDIOT FOR THAT. I get it. I have been there for her when she needed money for personal medical reasons. She kept me from my 3rd suicide attempt. She was the reason that I have been almost 2 years SI free. I was engaged and planning a FUCKING wedding. I moved up here and it's been the best (financial) move of my life. I became Christian for this woman, and am ready to tell God to go shove a pinecone up His ass.
    I love women.. and yes, I have to admit I'm trying to mingle with other women to get past her.. but when you have Borderline Personality, and you CLING to what someone thinks of you.. then to have them dump you like a bag of trash... what is left? I should just sit here like that trash reference and just marinate until I'm hauled away. I'm trying to avoid that. I'm forcing myself out into the world. My sales have slumped.. my body has expanded (not working out like I used to) and I haven't had inspiration for new projects in my business. I want to just sit inside, play Xbox, make terrible songs, and fight not cutting. The first thing to be scarred would be her name on my chest. (I have her name tattoo'd from years ago) Please don't say anything about that tattoo... I realize now that it was a stupid idea.

  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Mikel :hug:

    We've chatted a bit, but I wanted to let you know someone has seen your thread. It is hard situation you are in, and I am so so sorry.
    I think things will improve for you, its just a helluva thing to get past.
    I know you can do it.
    I am always around, you know how to contact me.
    I can listen if you need to vent/scream/cry, or make jokes, whatever you need.
    Love you little brother.
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