Finally Reaching Out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notthatguy, Dec 12, 2012.

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  1. notthatguy

    notthatguy New Member

    I hope this doesn't end up too long. I suppose I just need a place to get this all out.

    I'm a 23 year old male college student who is merely a few months away from finally graduating. I do well in school, but my major is so incredibly stressful and I absolutely hate college at this point.

    I guess that's a good place to start. Within the past year I've begun to think really dark things when I get stressed. At first if I ever thought about killing myself that little subconscious voice in my head would say "no no no don't be dumb" and that was that. The thought was gone before it even came to be.

    But since the middle of summer until now, I've had really low points in which I consistently think about ending everything just to ease the stress and mental pain I feel. I'm not totally sure where the pain comes from. I could probably write for hours in trying to identify all the reasons.

    I guess stress is the main thing that gets to me. My college work load is so intense and I have to work to support myself in the mean time. I have no time to enjoy life. Life seems pointless. I get myself so stressed that I see suicide as the easiest way to satisfy my tasks. I lie an insane amount to my professors because I can never finish work on time. Recently I've started taking Adderall to help focus a little better on my studies, but I don't think it effects my dark thoughts since I had them before I was prescribed the drug. The only thing I don't like about Adderall is that I regularly pull all-nighters to do work, sometimes not sleeping for days - much like right now. This is the second night in a row I haven't gone to sleep.

    I dunno. I used to be a star athlete in high school and my early years of college. I wasn't a big party guy at any point, though I do smoke pot pretty frequently. I actually think my pot smoking habit coincides with these dark thoughts, but who knows. I dunno. Everyone always tells me I have so much going for me, but I can never seem to give myself the same credit they do. I always think I can be doing better and I'm so quick to point out my flaws. I'm out of shape, I don't take care of myself like I used to, and I've developed awful habits like chewing over 1 can of tobacco a day and smoking pot 3-4 times a week.

    Today was a really bad day. I don't even live with my parents, but we had it out for no good reason like usual. I've been trying so hard to find a girl to settle down with no luck. I just want somebody to save me. I need something to grab onto and believe in. I guess I've been searching for love to satisfy this desire, but all I can seem to do is have one night stands or mess around with single girls.

    As I drove home today I thought about whether or not it would hurt to slam my car into oncoming traffic. I don't have the courage to do it, but these thoughts have been in my mind regularly. I've reached out to a few friends, but they all sound like broken records. I dunno, I have a hard time believing I'd ever kill myself, but I think about it so much that it scares the hell out of me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    STress is a hard one hun Is there a way you can decrease your work load at school so you are not under so much pressure. YOU hun you have to pull yourself out of the depression you are in by reaching out to the supports around you Talk to school advisor councelor talk to your doctor and be honest about what your thoughts ok. POT is not a good mix hun it is called an inhibitor as it decreases the ability to do anything If your thoughts are getting that scary hun it is time now to reach out ok while your thought process is still somewhat clear ok Get some help now hun no need to stay where you are at hugs
  3. Kat1211

    Kat1211 New Member

    I have a son almost your age and he was the happiest kid until he went away to college. The whole environment can be stressful and he found himself wanting to run away, not knowing where he belonged and just kind of hating life in general. You've probably heard this before, but can you take some time for yourself? Everyone tells me that too and sometimes (most times) it's impossible especially with your schedule or work AND school. That would stress out anyone! Getting back into some kind of exercise would at least get your endorphins moving and might help a little. Please, please quit the "chew" that stuff is nasty all around. And you will have your degree one day so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Hope this helps, it actually made me feel better...I'm here because my life sucks too........Kat
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