Finally realizing how stupid I've been for four (almost five) years in this situation

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by #18, Dec 20, 2011.

  1. #18

    #18 Well-Known Member

    I've already told this story on here before but it's finally come to a head. It took me months to come to terms that I'd lost him forever. I had an appointment with my doctor today and she knows the whole story. She told me how toxic it is and that it's killing me. Meeting this guy and falling in love with him was my demise. I may not have been the happiest person before I met him but I went through four, almost five years now of pure hell and it's scarred me for life.

    I've never truly met this guy though. Not in person, it was a long distance relationship, an unhealthy one. He proclaimed he loved me and that he wanted to see me. But it never happened and I know now, it never will.

    Another guy was involved in this situation. (Yes we're all gay, if that offends you please don't reply or flame.)

    I truly loved him even though I'd never met him. My Mom told me I couldn't face reality...and that I was building him up to be this wonderful guy with no flaws. She said if I met him in person my perception of him might change. But he won't see me under any circumstances.

    He's afraid of putting the relationship he has with his off and on again boyfriend in any danger he told me.

    The other guy threatened him that if he ever saw me that he'd leave him.

    So then I realized I was never really worth it to him. He wouldn't take a risk for me.

    Recently, I started to go somewhat crazy and I thought if I changed my attitude and got advice on getting a guy interested in you again that I'd win him back. That plan didn't last very long. Part of the plan was that I told him I was okay with his decision to end it and that I was fine. However, I recently told him I was pretending so he didn't have to feel bad about me anymore and could move on. But I basically lied to him so he might hate me when he reads that letter.

    It doesn't matter anyway though, I'm not going back. Sure I'll get urges to check my mail and see if he wrote but I can't do it anymore. He distanced himself from me towards the end too. He claimed I was his good friend still but he became so emotionally detached from me.

    So now, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and I'm going to move forward slowly.

    My word of advice out there to people in long distance relationships...make sure they're not too "buddy buddy" with their ex still, it will lead to your demise, leave while you can or you'll end up like I did.

    I just wanted to vent this...thanks to anyone who reads it.

  2. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Re: Finally realizing how stupid I've been for four (almost five) years in this situa

    I'm so sorry you're hurting, ((Zachary))... You're among friends here. As a very out lesbian, I can confidently say that you don't need to worry about hate in SF (knock wood). I am dealing with my own serious depression right now, so I won't pretend to have all of the answers. But I can tell you that I've been in love with someone who I knew could never fully have, and know how painful it can be.

    If you'll indulge me for a moment, maybe my story will help you at least feel that you're in good company. If not... just ignore me! As any of my good SF friends here will tell you, I tend to ramble! More than 20 years ago as I was in the process of coming to terms with my own sexuality, I fell head over heels in love with my best friend. Her fiance had enlisted in the Marines and was stationed halfway across the country. We were inseperable, and eventually developed an intimate relationship. What to her was simply a way to quell her lonliness in her fiance's absence was much, much more serious to me. One day, he came home on leave and she called me at work and said "(Fiance) and I are eloping in 2 hours! Leave work so you can be our witness!". So I put on my game face and watched as the love of my life (or so I thought at the time) married the true love of her life. A couple of months later, she left to live with him on the Marine base, 15 hours away. At the time, I knew with every fiber of my being that I couldn't survive the pain. But I made it through that first day, then a week, then a month, etc. We remained close friends, but it took me the longest time to come to terms with my broken heart. She's still happily married and has 4 wonderful sons. And even though I've since found the true love of MY life (we've been together 12 years, and finally legally married last June...yay progress!), it still stings a little bit.

    My point is, it SUCKS to have your heart broken (to say the least), especially when you realize you've given your whole heart to someone who had no intention of reciprocating. But you WILL come out on the other side of this, and you will find love again, with someone who is able to love you back. Meanwhile, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and move forward. Allow yourself to grieve, but also allow yourself lots of the little, healthy things that give you pleasure. Go out... be young... try to have fun even if you have to fake it in the beginning. If you need a friend, you'll find many here, and I hope you'll count me among them! Message me any time.

    Sending friendship and hugs...T :console:
  3. #18

    #18 Well-Known Member

    Re: Finally realizing how stupid I've been for four (almost five) years in this situa

    Thank you, Tam. I appreciate your kind words and concern. I might end up having to delete my page to stay away from him forever. It's on MySpace, he wrote me today after seeing what I'd wrote and he didn't say I bothered him or bored him. Also that he wasn't that happy being back with him again. I can't see that as any hope though...I have to move on. Even if he decided he wanted me the other guy would threaten him again and he doesn't want to lose their friendship...

    Your story is so heartbreaking...I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you =( I can't believe she asked you to be a witness to them were very strong in doing that! I don't know if I would have been able to. I'm happy for you that you found new love.

    I do need a friend =( I used to have a couple real friends and people to talk to online but I've since lost them all over time. I've been pretty lonely lately.

    Thanks for reading Tam, have a great holiday.
  4. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Re: Finally realizing how stupid I've been for four (almost five) years in this situa

    You too, Sweetie. :) Pain is pain... and it always seems impossible to cope with in the moment. I tend to agree that for your own sake, it's probably best to not let him string you along any longer (but you have to do what you think is right for you). Ultimately, it comes down to chosing yourself over his ever changing whims. It sounds like he's been selfish for the duration of your relationship... maybe it's time for you to be selfish. As for my very old heartbreak: Above all we were friends, and because I never said, "Leave with me." (she was and is straight... I knew that to her, we were just "playing"), she didn't think anything of it. Now that I've been a rainbow flag waving Queery McQueer for so many years, I'm sure she probably has some inkling how hard it must have been for me, but we haven't talked about any of it since she married 20+ years ago. Had she "chosen me", it would have ended badly... she loves men, and I wouldn't have been enough (and that's OK!). Hang in there, Brother... it may feel like it, but this pain won't last forever. :console: