i have had a long history with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self harming tendencies since i was 15. i'm now 20. the last time i relapsed was exactly a year ago in november. i like to believe that i've gotten better, but i guess the reality is that i've been repressing and ignoring my struggles and traumas to prevent them from disturbing what i really need to focus on: my studies. in the end of last year, i discovered that i'm suffering from a type of (non-life threatening) autoimmune disease called the grave's. it's basically hyperthyroidism, and i've been having it since the middle of 2017. the disease made my eyes look like they're being pushed out of their sockets (the condition is called ophthalmopathy). for some reasons, my fanatically religious parents believed that i' was targeted by evil spirits (don't even start asking where the logic is) and refused to take me to see an ophthalmologist when i asked them to back in 2017, i wear glasses so i thought it was simply because my myopia worsened. my parents finally relented to take me see a doctor in dec 2019, around 2.5 years after i've started to develop this disease. i've been taking meds for almost a year now and it hasn't really gotten better. my eyes still look basically the same. they really distort my appearance, and i've been struggling real hard to accept how i look (fun fact: i hate myself more each passing day).
so. yeah, that was some introduction. thyroid production is heavily affected by stress, so the most probable cause as to why i got this illness is probably because of me hitting my lowest point in life in 2017. the timeline aligned. the doc advised me to manage my stress well and that i need to prevent myself from being too exhausted. well here's the catch: as an uni student, how the hell can you avoid being stressed? i'm an international relations student, and it's a stressing major. i've been pushing myself far my limits non-stop for months. i'm not one of those privileged kids whose parents have it easy to pay off their tuition. i had to submit a request letter to the dean to lower my tuition when the term started in september. i have to submit another next term because it's still not low enough by my family's financial standard. i have to work harder because i know how hard it was to send me off to uni.
i haven't taken a goddamn break for months. one because i can't afford to lag behind, and two because i could feel my past demons coming back to chase me. they've caught up to me now. i'm barely holding my shit together. every single thing keeps falling apart, and i couldn't take it anymore. so i quietly slipped into the kitchen and took out the kitchen scissors, then sliced my thigh four times in less than twenty seconds. pulled my legging down then acted like i was just back from drinking water. i just ruined my one year achievement of being free from self harm but i'm just really, really tired. no one is able to listen to me because they're too busy. my illness just won't get better. my eyes won't fucking go back to normal. heck, even being ignored by my groupmates for an upcoming important presentation (that still hasn't been worked on two days before the d-day) is pushing me over the edge. i'm really ready to stop fighting against the currents and just let myself be dragged down deep under over again.
the cuts sting and they burn. and i love it because they keep me grounded.
what the fuck do i do?
so. yeah, that was some introduction. thyroid production is heavily affected by stress, so the most probable cause as to why i got this illness is probably because of me hitting my lowest point in life in 2017. the timeline aligned. the doc advised me to manage my stress well and that i need to prevent myself from being too exhausted. well here's the catch: as an uni student, how the hell can you avoid being stressed? i'm an international relations student, and it's a stressing major. i've been pushing myself far my limits non-stop for months. i'm not one of those privileged kids whose parents have it easy to pay off their tuition. i had to submit a request letter to the dean to lower my tuition when the term started in september. i have to submit another next term because it's still not low enough by my family's financial standard. i have to work harder because i know how hard it was to send me off to uni.
i haven't taken a goddamn break for months. one because i can't afford to lag behind, and two because i could feel my past demons coming back to chase me. they've caught up to me now. i'm barely holding my shit together. every single thing keeps falling apart, and i couldn't take it anymore. so i quietly slipped into the kitchen and took out the kitchen scissors, then sliced my thigh four times in less than twenty seconds. pulled my legging down then acted like i was just back from drinking water. i just ruined my one year achievement of being free from self harm but i'm just really, really tired. no one is able to listen to me because they're too busy. my illness just won't get better. my eyes won't fucking go back to normal. heck, even being ignored by my groupmates for an upcoming important presentation (that still hasn't been worked on two days before the d-day) is pushing me over the edge. i'm really ready to stop fighting against the currents and just let myself be dragged down deep under over again.
the cuts sting and they burn. and i love it because they keep me grounded.
what the fuck do i do?
