and I pushed away my last friend and am now actually alone. She was there when I first started my spiral and really she was the only reason I even made it this long. I've been getting worse every year since then and I was seeing how I made someone who was a positive spirit and happy with their life, become frustrated and angry with me. So I made her leave. Now she's gone. Haven't heard from her in a month, seen her twice in 2 months (only because we're on the same volleyball team). Guess it's probably for the best. I had to get used to it sometime since she's done University in mid-April and I'll never see her again. I just think I fell in love (as far as I can think of what love is) with her and I really have no reason to stick around other than to be strong for her. And that's gone. FUCK!!!! The balance of why to wait and why to just get it over with is constantly shifting. The stupid side of me says wait and see. Give it at least a month to see if something that could change everything could happen. But the realistic side says that your life has been shit for the last 12 years, so what makes you think that in a month it will be any different. Why was I so stupid? At least now when I leave I won't hurt the one person I care about in this shit hole of a world.