Finally Talking

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by Lexicon, Sep 14, 2010.

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  1. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member


    Soo. I don't talk about my past, as a general rule of life and of self-preservation. Bullying left me with scars emotional, physical, and a 7 year eating disorder which is threatening to destroy my family life. I need to talk to somebody who understands what bullying can do to you. I don't actually remember large stretches of my childhood, but my counselling for ED at the moment is uncovering a lot of my nasty experiences over the past several years.

    So. I was never popular in primary school. I remember being victimised by one girl, whose comments about my weight and my family (I was average, my parents both overweight/obese, my sister underweight due to a heart problem) sent me onto the diet that started my bulimia. I left that primary school wanting a fresh start in secondary school, and I was excited and happy about going there.

    I don't remember most of my time in my first secondary school. The things I have uncovered (and I don't dount for a single second that there's more) include being severely beaten over all parts of my body that were covered by school uniform (I hid it, and nobody knew about it), a girl trying to strangle me which left with a residual phobia of anybody touching my neck, verbal abuse, being locked in classrooms, being "blanked" en masse, being blamed for anything that went wrong at all within my year. I was the entire year's scapegoat. I started skipping school, faking illnesses, my grades plummeted from top of the class to average/bottom, and my parents realised and pulled me out. I attempted suicide twice while being bullied in that school.

    My second school was a highly religious Christian school (although not advertised as such), and I am an atheist. I was bullied because of my beliefs in every way. I am bisexual as well, which only made things considerably worse. I was bullied, threatened, in every way conceivable. There was what I can only describe as mental torture - girls surrounding me, chanting again and again that I was going to hell, merging with other more physical violence. Organised religion now scares the bejeesus out of me.

    In the midst of that, I befriended a girl who seemed equally ostracised (this was in my second school). She had experienced much the same as me, but for longer because of the years she had been there. She self-harmed, was emotionally dependent on me. I ended up cleaning up her legs when she sliced them open in the middle of the day with a knife she'd stolen from home, I took her to teachers. I was so, so alone at this point. I stopped trying to talk in school because it antagonised the bullies. I expect there were people among them who were just following the ringleaders and were like me, but had been quiet from the start. Me and my new-found companion seemed perfect.

    She developed anorexia. By this point I had been a highly-functioning bulimic for three years. Apart from sensitive teeth and a bitch of a sore throat, I was fine. My friend was not. She had a complete mental breakdown. I missed hours and hours of schooltime tending to her, trying to calm her down, trying to stop her committing suicide at points. Eventually, she was pulled out of school, dangerously underweight and seriously scarred from her self-harming. Through all of this, I was doing the same in my spare time, only refused to tell or show anyone. I was there for my friend, until the breakdown itself. She had to leave school, and I was then completely on my own for a year.

    I really do mean completely alone. I tried talking tentatively to others in other years, but they just saw me as the reject from another year. I wasn't helped in that it was a small school, everybody knew everybody. And everybody knew that nobody talked to me, it was the unspoken rule. All the teachers would ask me if things were ok, but I was more scared of them doing anything like the beating as far back as my first school, which I honestly believed them capable of. I kept quiet and just tried to disappear. I texted my parents and sister the entire time I was in school, just to have somebody to talk to. I joined websites, I wrote so many infinite numbers of stories (I write in my spare time). I studied. I waited every second to get out of that place and into freedom.

    This story does have a happy ending. I am now in a new college for performing arts. People seem to understand me more there. I came to the school terrified and cowed, under the influence of an eating disorder and a home that was crumbling under the pressure of my disorder, my dad's work, my sister's growing up, my mum starting a degree course. I was welcomed, people accepted me. For the first time in my life, I missed a day because of illness, and someone texted me to see if I was alright. I wasn't able to talk about anything in my past schools for a long time, but now I have a couple of friends who, on a sleepover, managed to help me talk about things and deal with some things. They have looked after me so much.

    I hope this lasts. Friendships still scare the life out of me, and I find it utterly impossible to trust people. Bullying has destroyed my life. It began, confirmed and aggravated my eating disorder, its destroyed perfectly good relationships, memories ended the first and last romantic relationship I've ever had, and I still can't wear necklaces without trembling a little. But I survived. And I'm ok now, at least in terms of bullying.

    Now to sort out everything else.

    Sorry for the long post, but I really, REALLY needed this. :)

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are talking letting out all that pain letting out all that sadness not holding anything in anymore. What a great way to help you heal performing arts will help you open up and find just how strong you are. I hope you continue to make friends to trust others and i hope you continue to heal on your journey. The bullies of yesteryear are all gone now they are the ones that probably have not survived
  3. fallingangie

    fallingangie Well-Known Member

    Im really glad that this story has a happy ending :) See the good people are meant to suffer..but later someway or the other they get rewarded as well.
    Im extremely sorry about you being bullied. My school years werent this bad..but right now things are getting really bad and it is driving me crazy in college..its somewhat related to bullying. I would appreciate it if u pm me or we get into touch someway..i need help...before my life turns upside down.
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