finally told family the truth about how they played a role in my poor mental health.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Feb 16, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    So my mom calls me and tells me not to take anxiety medication. "When you panic a few times and deal without it", she says, "you'll soon realize you don't need it". Yes, marvelous assumption there. The only problem is that I'll never realize that I don't need it because when I panic, I can't control myself without it. So then she goes on to say how my brother, who is 12 years older than me (I'm 21), listens to her all the time and now has a career because of that and I'm only halfway done my associate's degree at 21. Again, there are several problems with her theory. One, my brother is 12 years older, which makes him 33. My mother is 57. He is closer to her in age than I am, and much more likely than me to accept certain values and ideals of her generation. Two, my brother and I were both born in Ukraine - except I spent 6 years of my life there and moved to the US and he spent 18. He finished school there and learned all there is to learn about 70s-90s Ukrainian culture. I learned 90s-10s American culture, American values, etc. Quite a difference there isn't it? Especially with mental health. I don't even think they knew what it was back in ukraine at that time, let alone how to treat it. And yet my mother is trying to convince me that she knows everything and I know nothing. And when I argue this, she tells me "don't you realize you're hurting me when you say some of the stuff you say?" What am I hurting you with? Pray tell. Because I'm telling you that you're from a different generation and don't know everything you think you know? "Well your brother respects me because he listens to me, blah blah". That doesn't mean he respects you, it just means he agrees with you. Are you saying that the only people who respect you are those who agree with what you say? Yeah, I don't think so.



    Then I mentioned how this same brother used to call me fat every day when I was younger and make fun of me for having acne. Every time my mom would bring me dinner, he'd say "how are you giving her so much to eat? She's fat enough as it is." I pretended like it didn't phase me at the time, but it stuck in my head. And my grandmother would call me fat every chance she got too, and then buy like 10 frozen pizzas when she went shopping to make sure I stayed that way. I told her this, and then the excuses came. "Oh they were just trying to help", "They were just joking.", "It was such a long time ago, you should forget about it. You're not fat anymore so it's irrelevant". Just trying to help? Help what? Help make me hate myself enough that it drives me to suicide? And as for "joking", these so-called jokes are part of the reason I now need anxiety medication and have a bunch of disorders that stop me from finishing school (and functioning) properly. She claims how she's never said anything mean to me only tried to help me. Except she let my brother say those hurtful things to me without any sort of punishment or acknowledgement for how they might make me feel. She let my grandmother say shit about me. And yes, she wanted me to join dance class to lose weight and I said no. How is that helping exactly? I already had social anxiety at that point and not to mention I'd be the only fat one there which would only give people more of an opportunity to make fun of me. Of course I fucking said no. I just wanted to be left alone at that point because of what I'd already endured. As for forgetting it because "I'm not fat anymore", NEWSFLASH! I still feel fat every day of my life because of what used to be said about me. I despise myself now. And yes, you all may have forgotten what you used to do, but I remember. I will always remember. It'll never just be gone to me no matter what. "Well your grandmother used to say a lot worse shit about me when I was growing up and I dealt with it". It's like wait a minute, shouldn't that make you REFRAIN from having the same thing happen to YOUR children, knowing how much it hurts? It shouldn't make you follow her stupid example. "Well if you think I was such a bad mother then whatever". I never said you were a bad mother. Yes, you've made some mistakes that ended up hurting me, but I don't think that makes you a bad mother. You did the best you could. If that, to you, equates to being a bad mother, then that's something you have to deal with on your own...but I never said that. All I want is recognition that you and the others were wrong for what you did and an understanding of why I have to take anxiety medication.

    She's my mother. I'll always love her and forgive her. And she did plenty helpful and good things for me too. But what my family did to me when I was young was straight up verbal abuse, and she let it happen. I just want her to realize that and say sorry and it'll be good enough for me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: finally told family the truth about how they played a role in my poor mental heal

    I am glad you got that courage and you spoke to them abt the effects they had on you now they know and hopefully will back off a bit You take your meds like the doctor has prescribed them okay don't let your mother tell you what is best for you Only you know that .. You are so strong in doing what you have done i hope it brings some peace and healing inside you now hugs
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: finally told family the truth about how they played a role in my poor mental heal

    I'd go one further and don't tell mum anything. what she don't know about she can't comment on....then u can get on with whats best for you without her interferring or getting upset about it.
     
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Re: finally told family the truth about how they played a role in my poor mental heal

    I can't just not tell her anything about my life. She's my mother and has a right to know, and sometimes I need her to know because I need her help. Plus, I shouldn't have to hide anything.

    Now that I've calmed down, I think I'll write her a letter to help say what I want to say...make sure I emphasize the fact that I don't think she's a bad mother, but that those things hurt me. And that my purpose in telling her them wasn't to blame anybody, just to help her understand part of the reason why I ended up like this, and why I need the medicine. I'm choosing to do this in a letter because it's hard for me to explain face to face. I'm not such a good talker; I just get emotional.

    I really don't want to fight with her though, and not talk over this. She's still my mother and I love her to death...and I just want to make sure she knows that. I've made plenty of my own mistakes. Nobody's perfect. You just have to be able to admit to them and say you're sorry and/or fix them (or at the very least just acknowledge them). All I wish for is to be understood, and for her support NOW. The past already happened, and you can't change it. I may not have made it clear enough that I don't hold a grudge against her, that she's a good mother who did her best, and that those things were only part of the reason I am the way I am. There are other things that played a much bigger role, like school for the most part. And what was said was my brother's doing for the most part anyway. The only thing I want her to acknowledge was that she could have said something, could have realized it was hurtful. I'm just afraid I may have made her think that I blame her for everything and I don't. On the contrary, I don't blame her for anything at all. Like I said, people make mistakes. I know she did her best at the time and always loved me.

    All I want is for those things to be acknowledged. I want her to tell me: "I shouldn't have let your brother say those things. I'm sorry that I may not have been compassionate enough sometimes as well. And I'm sorry it affected you this way. I didn't know it would." And I'd say, "I know you didn't. That's why I don't blame you. I love you, mom."
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2011
  5. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Re: finally told family the truth about how they played a role in my poor mental heal

    I want to comment but I'm not totally sure what to say (brain not working) but I admire your courage. I went through almost exactly the same thing growing up, with my brother calling me fat and even had my father stand by and tell us to "sort it out" when a play fight got a lot more than just a play fight while I cried and screamed. Part of me wishes I could tell my parents how much them standing hurt me. So I think you're very brave, and I think a letter is a good idea (I'm a big letter writer as I can't express myself verbally - I lose all courage and just end up nodding along while THEY end up talking).

    Big hugs.

    xx
     
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