Finances and Problems Pushing to the Edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by okan170, Mar 19, 2013.

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  1. okan170

    okan170 New Member

    Feel like I'm near the end of my patience. I've dealt with depression for many years and been seeing a therapist throughout. (A couple actually). Recently though, things have gotten very very bad. After graduating college, I started with small jobs in my field (post production, graphic design, some motion graphics), and have continued to work as much as I can, branching out if I can.

    Unfortunately, its not enough. In an industry where there is zero concept of job security (hired for maybe 3 months, no benefits), with low pay and student loans being held of just, I've had to go on government assistance for food. However, of late, the money I make from work is no longer enough to make ends meet with bills and rent and things like gas to get to work and parking when I'm there (things are somewhat cheaper if the job involves working at home). The last few months have been especially brutal after several jobs took far longer than was expected to pay. I have also had a few on-again off-again times with antidepressants which been hilariously ineffective my whole life, no matter what variations are tried.

    I've also been coming to the end of the coverage on my insurance at age 26, so no more therapy or medication is in the future for me, especially at my income. At the end of the day, I've been living and working with the stress of not knowing where my next paycheck will come from each and every month while being turned down for service jobs lately.

    I've got a loving boyfriend and a father who wants to help but cannot afford to do so. As my opportunities shrink, my savings inch into the double digits, and my options for help are systematically chopped off, its finally pushed me to the edge of planning to take the final step. Financially, my only options have been curtailed by debt from school making it impossible to even move to a different city (or country, in this business) in hopes of finding work.

    I don't really want to die, I enjoy living generally. However I've reached the point where every day is a struggle to get through. My boyfriend is in a similar position, however his outlook on life and parental support makes his situation more tenable. I have a few plans as to what I would do, but these are largely complicated by my wishing to "limit" the emotional damage to those around me. Nonetheless, every day seems to bring more bad news, more things demanding money that I just don't have, and at this point, may never have. As I'm beyond the support of my friends and small family, I feel like I'm ready to finally take the last step and have been viewing death as a long-awaited release.

    I really hope that whatever happens, people around me would view my death as a good thing, something that I wanted that would allow release from my situation. I doubt they will, but I would at least want that to be known.

    Sorry for the wall of text, I needed to get that out. I feel like I'm screaming on the inside all the time with nobody willing to listen.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome. I am sorry you are going through this, but I doubt your loved ones would see your death as a good thing. I have been where you are up until a little while ago. The context of my financial situation is different (which i will not go into as this is your thread), but I had to get beyond finances and see what else I am about...hopefully, you can find creative ways to bring in more money...sounds like you like what you do so is there a way to extend the reach of your work (e.g. health care marketing and advertising, etc.) which is much needed now...please know you are so much more than a financial spread sheet, and valuable to those IRL and people here.
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Start by contacting your student loan servicer. If you have not done so have them consolidated. You have 10 years of deferments to use before really an issue with them and the first couple for financial hardship do not even really take effort. If you qualify for food stamps than you will certainly qualify for deferment. The accumulating interest is of little concern in the present situation.

    While working in the field of choice you may want to consider looking for more stable "any degree" employment until the right opportunity comes along in that field. Ultimately that is up to you when to make the call on continued efforts in that area or looking in another area but it is a consideration.

    For medical apply for medicare when turn too old for parental coverage. It is not great but far preferable to no coverage. You are 26 - there will be many years of paying taxes to make up for any small assistance you may accept now.

    Concerns of credit rating are not of value at the moment - if there is insufficient income then you will not qualify for credit regardless of rating. I am not implying a bad rating - I am saying if bills become an issue and cannot pay - so what? There is not debtors prison, with student loans the worse that happens is you wont get tax refunds unless your income gets plenty high enough to make payments anyway - and by the sounds you do not own a house or anything that is facing foreclosure and losing years of investment -- in other words the financial situation sucks and is not what you might like for having finished college but it is far closer to the norm than the exception.

    It is very rare that a person in any field is well established in anything at 26. I think you are being a little too hard on yourself for the position you are in, as well as allowing a very typical situation effect you in an extremely negative manner. I am sure that it is because you hold yourself to a high standard and have a hard time with not meeting your personal goals because of your pride efforts. These are good things and simply refocusing that effort and pride into making it work will pay off in time - perhaps just not the original timetable you had hoped for.

    You sound like a very strong person that has all of the ingredients to be very successful one day in whatever you pursue. Take the financial and employment solutions available to you now and build them into what you want them to be - you will get there.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  4. okan170

    okan170 New Member

    Thanks. I've consolidated all the loans I have but private/government separation cannot be consolidated. The government is pretty chill with me paying it back when I can or deferring, but my private loans only allow one deferment every year or so and get extremely pushy about it. It also doesn't help that my field is basically imploding at the moment and my skills kind of leave me locked into it for the forseeable future.

    The credit worry is largely because, in FX, its often required that you pick up and move to find where the work is (part of why the field is crashing down right now) and nobodys going to pay you in time to make things like rent or getting a passport work out, so artists often have to place a large amount of money down on credit to get an apartment or other amenities while getting set up. Of course, this assumes that the production will go long enough to pay for it, since you often are hired for a few months and then let go to start the whole job search all over again. The way the industry is, I've been able to support myself with independent production gigs, but the pay is abysmal, with a two month, 16 hour a day schedule paying far less than minimum wage. Of course, trying to find another minimum wage job that pays the bills to cover the month or so downtime has proven to be nearly impossible, though I do keep trying. I'm just so tired of the constant worry and constant stress with a landlord breathing down your neck and your last job's paycheck still worming its way through accounting and no money in my pocket.

    If it ever changes, I'm sure I could make the situation better, but at this point, with the economy and my field in particular falling apart, I don't see it getting better in the forseeable future. On top of that I've got my mother telling me that I should just "find a job and stop being lazy" since she walked into a cushy government job right out of school in the 70s and obviously, a career is the same as any other right?

    I'll check out the medicare option, but I worry that, being an independent contractor (even when I'm hired to work somewhere, its become customary to never hire anyone as an employee, saves the company money on paying your taxes, even if its kind of illegal) I'll get denied again. I've already got a lot of panic-attack inducing interaction with the DHSS over my inability to reliably predict my income month-to-month because of the way a FX career works.
  5. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    I truely empathise with how you are feeling right now being in similar position myself but honestly the way forward is speak to someone who can offer you support, if you have a care-cordinator/socialworker or someone involved in your care then pick up the phone and speak to them or arrange to meet them. Then that way they can help you deal with it better. Remember that suicide, will only make things worse in your situation and it's not the way forward. if you ever feel like ending then please speak to crisis or go to a+e/er. Also consider letting your Gp/MD know you are feeling.
  6. okan170

    okan170 New Member

    Thanks, my social worker could really care less if I lived or died, and I think my case was transferred to an automated call center for future calls (saving them money I guess). I've been fluctuating between emotional states lately, though I have no doctor. Frankly, after the horror stories I've heard about how suicidal patients are treated in America's ER system, I'll be leaving that option until dead last. Some of those stories sound like a fate worse than death, especially if you've got no insurance.
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