Over the past week I have been all over the place. From writing motivational messages to planning my own suicide, to seeing success to sitting here with a noose around my neck wondering why I am typing things. I know a lot of things... I know that I have to earn my happiness. I know that I will not get everything right away. I know that in the end I am responsible. However, I struggle to find the hope. How long... how long do I have to work at this? My trainer says I am slimming down nicely. I guess I am just blind to it. I do not see it at all. People say I just need to get out and talk to people. Yet I cannot, I am still terrified. I still cannot find a therapist either. I guess what is killing my hope is wondering how many years it will take to build a better me? How long will it take to get over my hurt of Z. How long will it take for me to want to live again? How long will it take to make life worth while? I struggle to get that hope fire burning. Because very time a small bit of hope flares up I smother it with reality. I don't know what to do... I want to keep my hope burning bright. However, it is just so hard. I try to use revenge as a motivator, I fail. I try to use happiness as a motivator, I fail. I try to use surprise as a motivator and I fail. I always seem to kill my own hope. It would take nothing at all to tie the rope to my balcony and jump. I won't... I am too weak... I am trying to keep a promise to myself. I just fear that once that promise is up I will end it all. Can anyone help me learn to not smother the embers of hope I make from time to time?