So this is my first post, I joined a while ago but never got around to posting anything. I keep having recurring suicidal thoughts. It gets worst every few weeks or so, like now where it just really grates on me, but I think about it a lot without it feeling like a big deal in between these "episodes" I guess you could call them. I'm 20, always performed well in school and got into a good university only to drop out soon after beginning. I just have no motivation whatsoever, like nothing interests me. I've been unemployed for about a year (was working a part time retail job for a while) and I live with my Dad. Whenever he asks me what I'm going to do next it just makes me depressed because I don't have any interest or motivation to do anything. I spend most days playing video games and watching anime, I can hardly make a career out of that. It doesn't help matters that I can't sleep for shit as I always have extremely realistic and sometimes scary dreams that wake me up. I wake up like 2 or 3 times a night without fail. I'm convinced I've got sleep apnea or something, but when I suggested that to my GP he might as well have laughed right in my face... Plus I'm pretty obsessed over my skin. I've had bad acne in the past, been on accutane which made it better but didn't get rid of it entirely. So even though it's not that bad anymore I always find myself looking closely at my skin in the mirror trying to find any sign of new acne. I have no friends. I had a few back in school, though they were fairly meaningless and superficial. So whenever they've tried contacting me on Facebook I just ignore them. I guess sometimes I just wish I had someone that I know is going through the same things I am, but it's not like I can just search google and find someone like that. I just feel overwhelmed sometimes and don't see the point anymore. I just don't see the point of putting up with everything anymore. Is life meant to be some kind of test or what? Am I rewarded if I stick it through to the end? No one knows. And I don't believe that there's simply nothing when we die, the universe is too complicated for that to happen - or at least that's what I want to believe. Man, I was so close to just deleting this whole post and not bothering with it. But fuck it, worth a shot, though I'm doubtful I'm going to get much out of it..