Finding it hard to care about living

[Kou]

So this is my first post, I joined a while ago but never got around to posting anything.

I keep having recurring suicidal thoughts. It gets worst every few weeks or so, like now where it just really grates on me, but I think about it a lot without it feeling like a big deal in between these "episodes" I guess you could call them.

I'm 20, always performed well in school and got into a good university only to drop out soon after beginning. I just have no motivation whatsoever, like nothing interests me. I've been unemployed for about a year (was working a part time retail job for a while) and I live with my Dad. Whenever he asks me what I'm going to do next it just makes me depressed because I don't have any interest or motivation to do anything. I spend most days playing video games and watching anime, I can hardly make a career out of that.

It doesn't help matters that I can't sleep for shit as I always have extremely realistic and sometimes scary dreams that wake me up. I wake up like 2 or 3 times a night without fail. I'm convinced I've got sleep apnea or something, but when I suggested that to my GP he might as well have laughed right in my face...
Plus I'm pretty obsessed over my skin. I've had bad acne in the past, been on accutane which made it better but didn't get rid of it entirely. So even though it's not that bad anymore I always find myself looking closely at my skin in the mirror trying to find any sign of new acne.

I have no friends. I had a few back in school, though they were fairly meaningless and superficial. So whenever they've tried contacting me on Facebook I just ignore them. I guess sometimes I just wish I had someone that I know is going through the same things I am, but it's not like I can just search google and find someone like that.

I just feel overwhelmed sometimes and don't see the point anymore.

I just don't see the point of putting up with everything anymore. Is life meant to be some kind of test or what? Am I rewarded if I stick it through to the end? No one knows. And I don't believe that there's simply nothing when we die, the universe is too complicated for that to happen - or at least that's what I want to believe.

Man, I was so close to just deleting this whole post and not bothering with it. But fuck it, worth a shot, though I'm doubtful I'm going to get much out of it..

 

[AAA3330]

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering. I feel overwhelmed too. I don't sleep well either and have weird dreams. It's terrible to have to feel suicidal and I'm sorry that you feel that way.

 

[Petal]

Hi and welcome to the forum, just read your post and the sleep apnea part struck out at me, I often wake up screaming and gasping for breath (but i've figured out it only happens when I take certain meds together), the doctor has told me I am most likely suffering with sleep apnea, I do not know why your doctor laughed it off, that was rude and idiotic of him.

Regarding the skin acne, is there anything other than Accutane you could take or something in conjunction?

You seem to be pushing your friends away, perhaps that is just part of the depression you are going through and like your own company? If you need friends who will understand your thoughts and feelings you have certainly stopped by at the right place here.

I'm glad you posted here and did not erase it, I am very sorry you are struggling so much but hey you've got the world of time to try and make things better. Focus on one day at a time not next week, next month or next year. One day.

Best wishes,

petal!!

 

[ja123]

Hey, I would suggest to be more involved with people. whether it's through video games online ( I useto do that) or people to connect with, even go on a dating site and see how it goes. find that sense of community .people you bounce ideas off, have laugh, talk about life with.

And maybe when that starts to happen then you might be more motivated or it can give you that extra edge, if u know what I mean.

Personally during highschool (tough time for me. Home life school life, hard to describe the feelings) I basically use to play computer games. I use to play call of duty, use to be in a clan and talk on the mic, kinda like therapy for me they became pretty close to my heart, so it was those people and I had this good friend ( real life person) that kinda added that extra edge and possibly saved my life.

That's just my spill. U might know what you need. But I'd recommend being involved with people whether it's online, real life, possibly a girlfriend. It might help a lot in being motivated and having that feel of community .