finding it hard to want a relationship again

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by undercoverlover, Dec 28, 2013.

  1. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    i guess in theory i want a relationship but when i think about it too hard i am afraid of being abused again. i realize how easy it is to meet abusers in daily life and ive even met some and had to cut off contact because they remind me so much of my abuser. the other problem is that i am terrified of rejection and so i actually dont crush easily (mainly to protect myself). i dont know how to stop this because it really ruins being able to find another person. my therapist says another relationship would help with the trauma of abuse because it would help me reshape my ideas of love and relationships but im just having a lot of trouble.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Take your time and try being friends with a potential boyfriend/gf so that you know something about them before committing yourself too much.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Find somone with the same interest as you ok perhaps take a course just for fun art course music whatever you enjoy and meet someone that way and yes like Terry said move slow ok just enjoy each others company in the beginning
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Sound advice so far! I don't know much about abusive relationships, but from the two or three people I've talked to, they sort of fell into that 'caretaker' type role. In other words, they would perhaps subconsciously continue to attract the same kind of madman, based on their need to want to help somebody out: often to a fault. What I mean by that is they overdid the care--not that they're to blame. I'm not sure if that's anything you can relate to, insofar as what you're searching for, but I think your therapist is right, in that it'd be a healthy step if & when you're ready to take it. And if you really think about it, the odds have got to be pretty in your favor even were you to select someone at random (I'd hope to think!), that they not be that way...but I know it's easier said than done. And since I've never done it, I guess if I were in your shoes what I would do (because it's what would work for me) is to play a character, like an actor would. And so my part would basically be all about finding a romantic partner. See if you can find some creative new way to make it fun. Try to relax, and not worry so much about the past. Think more about what could be. It sounds so simple, I almost convinced myself that I can do it.
  5. BeeGee88

    BeeGee88 Member

    I guess there is no right or wrong of what to do about that. I know that feeling. All bad things that happened in the past affect you so negatively that you just want to avoid everything completely, even though deep inside you might desire a good relationship. But there is no guarantee that you won't go through shit again. I guess it is just trial and error and hoping you get someone good :/